akbar703 wrote:
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akbar703 wrote:
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abu mohammed wrote:
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Dear Western Muslims,
Congratulations! 🎉 You have been selected for our exciting new “Progressive Muslim™ — Western Edition” program.
Please follow the guidelines below carefully. Remember: Islam is perfectly acceptable—as long as nobody can see you practicing it.
1. Leave Islam publicly…
Then spend the rest of your life questioning everything about Islam publicly. This is, apparently, the safest and most fashionable option.
We may still need your services as an “insider” from time to time, so until your official exit interview is complete:
- Do NOT practice Islam publicly.
- Absolutely do NOT discuss Islam publicly.
- But please feel free to enjoy Sufi music, Sufi poetry, and Sufi movies—apparently Islam becomes culturally acceptable once the theology has been replaced by background music and spinning.
2. Rebrand Your family
Your daughter Aisha is now Olivia.
And whatever you do, don't let her think marriage could possibly be anything other than patriarchal bondage™.
Tradition is dangerous. Unless, of course, it is aesthetically pleasing, historically distant, and available on Netflix.
3. Please don't read the sources
Under NO circumstances should you independently open the Qur’an, Hadith, classical texts, or anything written before the invention of social media.
Why risk developing an informed opinion?
Our appointed scholars™ will continue providing carefully curated guidance from the pulpit whenever necessary.
They will tell you:
- what to believe,
- how to believe it,
- when to believe it,
- and, most importantly, when to keep donating.
Independent research is strongly discouraged.
Monthly donations, however, remain highly encouraged.
4. Vacation? Absolutely not.
Why spend two weeks somewhere relaxing when you can perform Hajj and Umrah repeatedly, preferably in a supervised group led by appointed scholars™
Remember our inspirational slogan:
“Fly to Makkah, See the World!”
Spiritual journey, tourism package, group supervision, and fundraising opportunity—all conveniently bundled together.
5. Don't worry about citizenship
Your Western passport and citizenship are completely secure and guaranteed.
Just as Indian citizenship and the Indian passport have always been completely secure and guaranteed for Indian Muslims.
No historical irony whatsoever.
Please proceed confidently.
This groundbreaking guidance has been developed and refined in:
- Al-Andalus
- India
- Tajikistan
- Uzbekistan
- The Balkans
- The Philippines
- China
- And various other places where history has generously provided us with case studies.
🥇 GOLDEN ADVICE
If someone has the audacity to question your logic, DO NOT answer the question.
Instead:
- Invoke the Sahaba (RA).
- Announce that the question is actually an attack on Aqeedah.
- Mention the sanctity of “early Islam.”
- Avoid the original question completely.
- Add several kilograms of Bollywood Emotional Masala™.
- Become visibly offended.
- Declare victory.
Bonus points if you can transform a simple historical or theological question into a five-hour debate about someone's character, intentions, iman, upbringing, and whether they secretly hate Islam.
KEEP DONATING 💰
The Committee for the Management of Your Independent Thought™
lived as a minority in Makkah and challenged the majority of Mushrikeen! It reached a point where majority of Mushrikeen offered to comprise i.e. you do your thing and we do our thing, just live happily in the same society and Allah Ta'ala said:
