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10th November 2010
I have had enough of handling fools (strange but un-intentional foolishness) lately, so now I want to move over to the light side of things. Taken from Shaykh Ahmed Ali's book of fools.

I will be posting these on the forum, but a little at a time. This version is specialy for my subscribers Enjoy, You can also take a look at the Forum from here. There are many more newer jokes added to the forum.

Although funny, we pray to Allah that he gives us the ability to read these stories and realise from them, the value of intellect and appreciate and thank Allah for his great blessing.

Once someone stole the door of Abu Salim's house. He in turn stole the door of the Masjid. "What are you doing?" the people asked. He replied "The owner of this door knows who stole my door."

Yazid bin Thar Waan was a fool of his time. he feared that he may lose himself and would therefore wear a neclace made of bones around his neck so he could recognise himself. One night some how, this necklace of his ended up around the neck of his brother. When he noticed the necklace around his brothers neck, he said, "If you are me, then who am I?"

Muhammad bin Ala relates that once Hamza bin Beed asked his slave, "When did we read Jumma in Rasafah?" He thought for a while and then replied "Tuesday".

A man named Hija, buried some money in the jungle and took a cloud as a sign to remember the secret place.

When Hija's father died, he was told to go a purchase a kaffan. He replied "If I go I fear I may miss the Jannazah"

A man asked Hija "can you add on your fingers?" He replied in the affirmative. The man asked him to calculate the following, "You have 2 kilos of wheat". Hija responded by closing his small finger and the finger next to it. The man then said, "you have 2 kilos of barley". So Hija closed his thumb and the one finger next to it. The curious man asked, "Why have kept your middle finger standing?" Hija replied "So that the barley doesnt mix with the wheat".

Ever heard of return to Sender?
Ali bin Muaaz relates that I wrote a letter to Abu Muhammad. He replied to this address "This letter is to the one who wrote to me".

Once some people came to him regarding a wall and asked him, "for how long have you known this wall?" He replied, "I have known it since it was this small and belonged to so and so".

Abu Zaid relates that Mazeed was informed about the death of a grave digger. Mazeed commented, "The one who digs a hole for somebody else, will eventually fall in it himself".

A man relates that I saw a Muazzin who immediately ran away after performing the Adhan. Out of curiosity, I asked him "where are you going ?" He replied, "I want to find out how far the sound of my Adhaan reaches."

Muhammad bin Kahalaf relates that a groupf people complained to a Muazzin as they could not hear his voice, and simply instructed him to amplify it somewhat louder. He replied, "I dont hear my voice from a mile".

Shuraih bin Yazeed relates that Saeed bin Sinan was a pious old man and the Muazzin of the Central Mosque of Himz. When he woke the People for Sheri during Ramadhan, he would announce, "O People prepare your pots and quickly eat your food before I give the Adhan and Allah turns your face black and you burn".

Asmaee relates a bedouin went for Hajj and entered Makkah before the people. Holding onto the cloth of the Ka'ba, he said "O Allah! Quickly forgive me before there is a rush".

An Imam was reciting Surah Nuh in Salaah. He recited the verse tha translates, We have sent Nuh to his people. He forgot what came next, so he kept reciting the same words. A frustrated bedouin from behind exclaimed, "If Nuh is not going then send someone else. Why have you put us in difficulty?"

Once a fools donkey was sick and he vowed that if it gets better, he would fast for ten days. The donkey became well so he fasted for ten days. The day he had completed the 10th fast, the donkey died. This did indeed anger the fool and led him to say the following, "Oh Allah, you have played a joke with me, wait until Ramadhan arrives and i'll show you".

This one is taken from my blog post on Fabricated Hadith:

Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal and Yahya ibn Ma'in (may Allah be pleased with them) once went into a certain Masjid to offer their Salah. After the Salah, a preacher began narrating hadiths attributed to these two Imams during his lecture. At the termination of his lecture, Yahya ibn Ma'in signalled the preacher with his hand to come over to them. Under the false impression that he was being summoned to be rewarded, he came over to them. Yahya asked, “Who narrated these hadiths to you?” Once again, he mentioned their names. This ignorant fool did not even know who he was talking to. Since these two personalities were very famous in the world of hadith, he had simply made use of their good names.
Yahya said, “I am Yahya ibn Ma'in and this is Ahmad ibn Hanbal. We did not narrate these hadiths to you nor have we ourselves heard them (from someone else). The preacher then asked, “So you are Yahya ibn Ma’in?”
“Surely that is me,” replied Yahya. Upon this, he commented, “I always heard that Yahya ibn Ma'in is a stupid fool but today this hearsay has been confirmed.”
“How is this confirmation possible?” asked Yahya. The preacher replied,
“How can you be under the impression that the names ‘Yahya ibn Ma'in and ‘Ahmad ibn Hanbal’ refer only to you two? I have heard hadiths from seventeen people by the names Yahya ibn Ma'in and Ahmad ibn Hanbal.” While this was taking place, Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal covered his face out of grief while the lecturer brushed the whole incident off as a joke and vanished.

A bedouin called Mujrim (criminal/sinner) came and stood in the first saf behind the Imam who was reciting Surah Mursalaat in Salah. When The Imam recited the verse"Did we not destroy the first" the bedouin went into the last saf. The Imam then recited "Then we shall destroy later ones". The bedouin then moved on and ojined the middle saf. Finaly the Imam recited "This is how we deal with the Mijrims(sinners/criminals)". The bedouin left the Salah thinking that the Imam was after him.

A bedouin joined the Imam for Fajar Salah. He had an appointment after the prayer but the Imam decided to recite Surah Baqarah (The Cow). As a result of the length of this Surah, the bedouin was delayed and missed his appointment. The naxt dayhe arrived early and joined the Imam again, who this time began to recite Surah Feel (The Elephant). Completely angry, the bedouin broke his Salah and left the moqsue, shouting "Yesterday you read The Cow and finished the whole Surah and today you are reciting The Elephant, you will probably finish at midnight".

A bedouin began to perform his Salah so that the people would recognize his devotion and praise him for his actions. On one occasion, whilst in Salah, he broke his Salah and boasted "I am also Fasting today".

A few people once discussing the night prayer (Tahajjud). Amongst these people was present a bedouin. They asked him do you get up at night (meaning do you read Tahajjud). He said Yes, so they asked him "What do you do?", he replied "I get up and urinate and go back to sleep."

Muhammad bin Qasim relates that a fool came to Basrah to visit a man who was at the point of his death. Instead of telling him to recite the Kalimah in an ordinary manner, he stragely said "You can read it with a zabar, zayr, and pesh. bothth ways are correct according to Imam Seeb Wai". Muhammad bin Qasim explaining this lucrative act, asked "Have you ever seen a fool teaching a man who is on the point of his death, different opinions of the Imams of the Nahw?" (nahw is the science that deals with the last letter of an Arabic word should have on it).

Ibn Khalf relates that there was a story teller in Madinah, and that used to tell every one that when Abu Huraira saw his daughter wearing a ring of gold told her to take it off informing her that it was fire. Explaining this, he took his hand out of his pocket and we realized that he has a gold ring on his finger. The people asked, "You are stopping us yet you are wearing it your self?" He replied "I am not the daughter of Abu Huraira".

Abdur Rahman bin Hanafee relates that the story teller Abu Ka'b related the name of the wolf, which ate Prophet Yasuf (AS), was so and so. The people, astonished by such a statement argued the the wolf didnt eat him. He replied "Then it must be the name of the wolf that didn't eat him".

Muhammed bin Khalf relates that he passed by a door of a governor on which he saw a teacher had positioned himself behind a curtain and was barking like a dog. Meanwhile, a boy came form behind another curtain and the teacher firmly grabbed him. I asked what was going on. He replied "This child does not like to read and when he goes home he never returns. The reason for this absence and truancy is that he has a dog with which he spends a vast majority of his time. I was impersonating his dog so that when he mistakes me for his dog and approaches, I can then take hold of him".

Jahiz relates that once I asked a teacher "Why do you hit the kids without reason?" He replid, "I hit them for a very good reason and that is they pray for that I go for Hajj. When I go for Hajj they will elave and and go to another mosque. Do you think I'm a fool who would go to Hajj and lose my students?"

A teacher hit his student withouth any reason. When he was questioned why he had done that, he replied, "I hit him advance before he made a mistake, so that way he does not make a mistake".

Jahiz writes that a woman told a teacher of her disobediant son and demanded that her son was disciplined by lessons of fear. The teacher had a very long beard. He placed the beard in his mouth, shook his head and began to scream loudly. This extremely scared the mother. Frightened, she remarked, "I told you to scare my child not me". He replied, "You fool, when the punishment of Allah comes, then the good and bad are all destroyed".

Jahiz relates, 2 students came to a teacher firmly holding one another. One of the students made and accusation "He bit my ear". The other one answered, "He bit it himself". The teacher intervened, Oh you, do you think he is a camel that he'd bit his own ear".

A man passed by a teacher who was being beaten and his beard pulled by his students. The man wanted to help him but he refused and ordered him to allow the students to do as they please. He said "I had challenged them, if I come first to the mosque, then I will beat them, and if they come first they will beat me. Unfortunatley, today I over slept and was late. Tomorrow, I will come here from midnight and watch how I treat them". One of the studentssresponded, "I am going to stay here tonight and watch the way I beat you when you come at midnight"

A man went out buy a donkey from the market. He met his friend on the way who asked him, "Where are you going?" He replied "To buy a donkey". His friend told him to say InshaAllah. So the man replied, "This is no place to say InshaAllah, my money is in my pocket and the donkey is available at the market". When he reached the market, a thief took off with his money and thus the man returned with a miserable look on his face. His friend asked "What is the matter?" He replied "My money has been stolen InshaAllah." His friend remarked, "This is not the place to say InshaAllah."

A man married a woman who was short in size. The people questioned, "what have you done?2 So he replied "A woman is evil, the less the evil the better"

Abu Nawas asked the Khatib (writer) who used to write in the shop af Abu Dawud, "Are you bigger or is your brother?" He replied "When Ramadhan arrives we become equal". Once some of his Dirhams were stolen, it was said to him, "They will be in your balance (meaning in the day of judgement)". He replied, "It was from the balance they were stolen (refering to the balance of the shop)."

Abu Hussain expalins, that a man went to visit a sick man and began to offer hi condolences to his relations who were at the Scene. They argued, "He's not dead yet". He replied, "InshaAllah he will die."

Tahir Zohiree relates, that a man would remain silent in the gatherings of Abu Yusuf. "Do you not speak?" Imam Abu Yusuf asked. He replied in the affirmative and then asked, "When does one open the fast?" Imam Abu Yusuf replied, "As soon as the sun sets". The man asked "But what if the sun does not set until midnight, what should be done?" Imam Abu Yusuf smiledand commented "you were right to remain Silent."

An old man from Rai came to Imam Hatib and asked "Are you the one that relates that the Prophet (SAW) has ordered the recitation of Surah Fatiha behind the Imam." Imam Hatib replied, "Yes there is a Hadith with reference to this matter". The old man argued "You are a liar, because Sura Fatiha was not revealed at the time of the Prophet (SAW), it was revealed at the time of Umar (RA)."

Usman bin Umar relates, that a man was in his final moments. His wife was instructed to go and sit next to him and talk to him. She replied, "If I sit next to him, I fear the angel of Death may recognize me."

Dharani relates that Talikhani was questioned "What do you say regarding a dead mouse if it walks over something. Will that thing become impue." He replied "No."

Rabeeah bin Akeel came to Hadhrat Muawiyyah and said, "Oh Leader of the Muslims, I would like to rebuild my house". He asked him "Where is your house?," Rabeeah replied "It is in Basrah on a few miles of land". Hadhrat Muawiyyah asked "Is your house in Basrah or is Basrah in your House?"

A man, no observing his reflectio in a well, raised the alarm and informed his mother, "There is thief in the well". His mother had a look and confirmed, you are right and there is also a bad woman with him"

A fool was asked about his date of birth. He replied "first moon of the 15th of Ramadhan, three days after Eid. Now work it out yourself".

A fool on noticing the minaret of the central mosque wondered, who was the long man that made this minaret. Another fool replied, "Shut up you ignorant man, have you ever seen somebody as tall as a minaret in reality. This minaret was made on the floor and then raised"

A man with a long beard was riding an unsteady donkey. The donkey angered the man so he cruelly started beating it. When some one told him to take it easy, he argued and said "If it cant walk, why did it become a donkey?"

A fool returned from some journey. A man asked him "when did you return". He replied "Tomorrow". The man said "If you had come today, I would have asked you regarding somebody". Then he asked him "when are you going to return?" He replied "Yesterda". The man remarked, "If only I had met you yesterday, I would have sent a letter with you".

Abdullah bin Muhammad relates "I asked a man that how many days are remaining in this month?" He replied "By Allah, I am not from this city."

A fool consoling a man on his brothers's death said "May Allah give you a big reward and have mercy on your brother and save him from the questions of Gog and Magog". All those present noticed his mistake and began to laugh at him and asked "Is it Gog and Magog that will question?" He replied "May Allah curse the devil, my tongue slipped. I wanted to say Harooth and Marooth".

I hope you have enjoyed these little foolish incidents. I have not typed out the whole book, I have only selected the ones that I liked the most. For the fuller version, you will need to buy the book called "Only fools and fools" by Shaykh Ahmed Ali. (and if you find a pdf version of the whole book please do let me know, it saves a lot of time typing, Jazakallah)
posted by abu mohammed on 10th November 2010 - 0 comments


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