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Treating Parents

Last updated: 14th April 2020
Question ID: #4542
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Dear Mufti, Assalamu alaikum I have a query relating how to treat my father who is very partial with me. I live in Abu Dhabi - UAE, My father, and stepmother stays in India, My father is very unfair and partial to me always, He never helps me in any way, though by Allah's grace I have placed him our own house, provided him (vehicle) an auto-rickshaw to earn for daily sustenance for himself. Now whenever I visit him, he doesn't give me preference, neither he cares me and my children's, he always loves my elder brother and his family, he always has problems with my wife do's and don'ts, When I help him financially, from that he helps my elder brother. Because of this behavior and attitude, there is lot of tensions and fight between me and my wife. Now I am not calling him much, I visit him hardly once a year and help him sometimes only. What I am doing is it right? How do I balance my rights between my father and wife in this situation, please guide me Thanks, Regards

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

الجواب حامداومصليا

The rights of the parents and spouse have been clearly mentioned by Shariah. Allah states in the Quran:

وَقَضٰى رَبُّكَ اَلَّا تَعۡبُدُوۡۤا اِلَّاۤ اِيَّاهُ وَبِالۡوَالِدَيۡنِ اِحۡسَانًا​ؕ اِمَّا يَـبۡلُغَنَّ عِنۡدَكَ الۡكِبَرَ اَحَدُهُمَاۤ اَوۡ كِلٰهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَّهُمَاۤ اُفٍّ وَّلَا تَنۡهَرۡهُمَا وَقُلْ لَّهُمَا قَوۡلًا كَرِيۡمًا

“Your Lord has decreed to you that: You shall worship none but Him, and you shall be kind to your parents; if one or both of them live to their old age in your lifetime, you shall not say to them any word of contempt nor repel them and you shall address them in kind words.” (Surah Isra 17:23)

In another Ayah Allah states:

وَوَصَّيۡنَا الۡاِنۡسٰنَ بِوَالِدَيۡهِ​ۚ حَمَلَتۡهُ اُمُّهٗ وَهۡنًا عَلٰى وَهۡنٍ وَّفِصٰلُهٗ فِىۡ عَامَيۡنِ اَنِ اشۡكُرۡ لِىۡ وَلِـوَالِدَيۡكَؕ اِلَىَّ الۡمَصِيۡرُ‏

“We have enjoined man concerning his parents – his mother carries him in her womb while suffering weakness upon weakness and then weans him for two years – That’s why We commanded him: “Give thanks to Me and to your parents, and keep in mind that, to Me is your final goal.” (Surah Luqman 31: 14)

The above and similar Ayahs of the Quran clearly instruct a believer to be obedient and dutiful to ones’ parents. Disrespecting ones’ parents and being disobedient is considered to be a major sin.

On the other hand a wife and husband both have rights upon each other. Allah states:

اَلرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُوۡنَ عَلَى النِّسَآءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللّٰهُ بَعۡضَهُمۡ عَلٰى بَعۡضٍ وَّبِمَاۤ اَنۡفَقُوۡا مِنۡ اَمۡوَالِهِمۡ​ ؕ فَالصّٰلِحٰتُ قٰنِتٰتٌ حٰفِظٰتٌ لِّلۡغَيۡبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللّٰهُ​ ؕ وَالّٰتِىۡ تَخَافُوۡنَ نُشُوۡزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوۡهُنَّ وَاهۡجُرُوۡهُنَّ فِى الۡمَضَاجِعِ وَاضۡرِبُوۡهُنَّ​ ۚ فَاِنۡ اَطَعۡنَكُمۡ فَلَا تَبۡغُوۡا عَلَيۡهِنَّ سَبِيۡلًا​ ؕاِنَّ اللّٰهَ كَانَ عَلِيًّا كَبِيۡرًا‏

“Men have charge of women because Allah has preferred the one above the other and because they spend their wealth on them. Right-acting women are obedient, safeguarding their husbands’ interests in his absence as Allah has guarded them.” (Surah Nisa 4: 34)

In conclusion the father as well as the wife have rights which need to be observed and fulfilled without infringing the right of the other. You will need to use your wisdom and gentle manner to keep both your wife and parents happy and to make sure that by keeping one happy the right of the other party is not violated. The best way is to exercise Sabr (patience) in these matters.

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ مَعَ الصَّابِرِينَ

"O you who believe, seek help through patience and prayer. Surely, Allah is with those who are patient." (Surah Baqarah 2:153)

Allah Knows Best.

01 ٍRamadhan 1441/ 24 April 2020

Answer last updated on:
25th April 2020
Answered by:
Ulamaa ID 04
Location: London