Jame
1
I want to say firstly i suffer from Religious OCD and have done for over 6 and have spent most part of that time ruminating over thoughts of whether i said something blasphemous, or asked Allah to punish me. I get strong thoughts like this 100 times daily
The ocd I suffer from makes it difficult to discern when I have said something or it was just a thought because many times I try to correct the negative thought verbally to convince myself but just end up repeating the thought by mistake.
It has been many years I have not seen my grandma as ashamed of my issues. A few months ago, I said to myself Even if these issues exist I am going to see my grandma in the next year because Allah might punish me then thoughts started coming in like If Allah punishes then Allah can Then I thoughts to myself saying that I meant If Allah punishes me then Allah Can - Can meaning Allah has the power to do so. Then These thoughts started coming in that I said if I don't still go see my grandma by new year and if Allah swt punishes me then Allah Can - like it will be Allahs choice and It's out my hand. Have I asked god to punish me? I don't know if this second version of Allah Can means yeah go ahead, Like CAN in English in this context is sometimes used to give permission. Like if my brother says, I am going to break your car if you don't ring me in the morning, and I say if i don't ring you then you can break it - I don't want him to break it, I'm saying that's your choice. Is this a bad dua and if it is can i cancel it, I am very socially anxious at the moment and cant leave my house and find it too burderning. On top of that in the last 5 years i have gone from 60kh to 95kd due to stress and I dont want people seeing me like this. I have a huge loss of confidence, I am hoping to fix up and see my grandma in a couple of months. pls help
