AAnonymous
1
Asalaamualaykum Warahmatullaahi Wabarakaatuh.
Alhamdulillah, with the will and power of Allah SWT I am a Hafidh of the Noble and Gorious Qur'aan of Allah SWT. This has given me a status where in the masjid I am asked to lead when there is no imam present.
I have been leading Taraweeh since my early teen years.
I have also led salaah in the masjid.
I fear that many of the salaah that I have led are not accepted.
How can I ever compensate for this?
How would a person compensate for leading nullified salaah where it is impossible to go to the muqtadees and tell them to repeat it.
The thing is, before twenty I was heedless of this problem.
I really noticed it when I read the below mentioned book. That was also the time when I began covering for an imam in my local masjid for salaahs he could not make it to.
It was only when I was around twenty years old, when I was reading the book -
'Negligence With Urine - A Major Sin' by Mufti Muhammad Farouq
when I learnt about Istibraa.
I remember being young, maybe in my early teens or my pre teen years of always thinking that some urine has leaked out. I used to always check. Sometimes I was right and sometimes I was wrong (in there being urine leakage).
But, after reading this book, I began to do istibraa.
But now I fear that many or all of my previous prayers that I have led and prayed as a muqtadee or by myself are not valid.
On top of this, although I have always strived to be punctual in removing hairs from my private parts since I became of the mature age. However, It wasn't until around when I was twenty when I started shaving around the anus. I have always strived to clean myself as best as I could whilst doing istinjaa, but my underwear would sometimes have light stains on it - even though I tried to wash myself thoroughly.
I told myself to ignore it.
Was my underwear impure? I always used to think it wasn't because i used to wash myself thoroughly.
What should I do to compensate for the leading of salaah that may not have been accepted?
At present I am always asked to lead the prayers at my local masjid.
The thing is, I am slightly overweight where there is fat around my bladder/belly button area. And I believe that this is the reason my bladder does not fully empty straight away. So I take a long time to completely empty it. Also due to me being overweight I fear that I suffer from stress incontinence where during the day I feel tiny drops leaking out. Sometimes when I check there is nothing there and sometimes there is. And sometimes there is a drop of thick white liquid at the base of my private or dried up on my underwear.
Therefore, If I am at the masjid and I feel I am not fit to lead I would refuse. But I fear that I may have led at times when I may not have noticed or felt any najaasat come out but it did.
When I am appointed to lead, before I arrive at the masjid I strive to make sure I have emptied my bladder fully and cleaned myself fully. And I don't want to say no to leading prayer but I am very scared that I have been putting myself in positions that i am not suited / fit for.
This is because I fear that there is always some urine left in my bladder that may leak out.
The thing is I read about being a ma'zur. And that you are only Ma'zur as long as you are in the condition of whatever is making you a ma'zur. As soon as that thing stops (e.g. bleeding) you are no longer classified as a ma'zur.
Every time I would lead I would wear clean boxers and most of the time if I feel something may have leaked out or could leak out I would go to the toilet first. If I am leading I would always strive to be clean and ready. However, there is always doubt in my mind if I should lead. I would never even want to lead one person in salaah if I am not fit to.
I fear that I have led many nullified salaah.
At present, I lead some salaah in the masjid.
Most of the time I would go to the toilet before and clean myself but still I am very doubtful if I should lead because I fear that some drops can still come out.
I have also been in positions when I have been leading, and I feel as ifI have passed wind - although I did not smell or hear anything. And I don't want to break salaah in case I am wrong and no wind has come out so I have continued to pray.
In summary, what can I do to receive pardon and forgiveness from ALLAH SWT?
I feel like a hypocrite! I feel like the filthiest person! I feel like a tyrant!
Should I lead salaah?
