| Source: | http://qa.muftisays.com/?7277 |
| Question ID: | #7277 |
| Question: Confusion in nikah or divorce | |
| My wife confessed to committing zina and was guilty. I am worried that there were instances (in sequential order) as given below that make me think that I divorced her
1. On the day I came to know about her affair, I phoned my father and told him, “I don't want to live with her anymore. We have no topics to talk, our communication is poor and I cannot compromise with my deen” The reason for this is that I had thoughts that my nikah was not valid which spoiled our communication. So, since our nikah I had thoughts of either remarrying her or divorcing her. I did not know that saying such things might be considered divorce. 2. At home, I told my father that the chances of me keeping her is 40% and that of me leaving her is 60%. Are these words of divorce? 3. It was after this that I had intercourse with her to relieve myself of the stress. I still was confused whether to keep her or separate from her. 4. I told her that I had forgiven her, but still needed time to decide whether to keep her or let her go. 5. All this time my wife and I were staying together with my parents. I taunted her for her actions and even told her to take her passport and roam with the person who she had zina with. Are these words of divorce? 6. While my wife and I stayed at my place, she told me how I would feel after she left me (she probably meant leaving for her home for a few days). I had a thought that she is leaving me forever, and said I will enjoy being alone and live life with peace (but I said it in a lighter tone). Are these words of divorce? 7. I was in a very confused state whether to remarry her or to divorce her. My father asked me whether I wanted to divorce her. I said "Yes”. My father then asked me whether I could just forgive her. I used to tell my wife that I wanted to live with her. But, I was always confused whether to continue nikah or remarry her. 8. Once she also said she wanted to leave(she probably meant going home for a few days) and asked me about it. I wanted to ask for how many days, but didn’t ask. I had thoughts that she was leaving me forever and said "okay go". I think that I said her to go while I was thinking that she is leaving me forever/divorcing me. Is this considered as divorce? 9. Under deep hurt, I also once told my wife, “Leave me if you cannot change yourself (regarding me telling her to develop herself in deen, not talking to males unnecessarily and doing things that lead her to zina)”. She asked “Am I not changing myself?” I replied, “Yes”. She was really trying to change herself by cutting off relation with the person she did zina with,, reading islamic books, but she talked to some of male friends freely. Are these words of divorce and is kaffarah to be done? 10. We also had sex during this period, but I sometimes couldn’t feel the pleasure in it. 11. It is to be noted that I had accepted her but still was confused whether to keep her or let her go. She once all of a sudden told the story of the woman who complained to the Prophet (S.A.W) that her husband told her that her back looked like that of her mother’s. Could this be sign from Allah that divorce has taken place between us? 12. I did not like seeing her talk freely to male relatives. So I criticized her and we argued angrily. I even told her that I have thoughts that if she met with the guy whom she did zina with, she would do it again. She became shocked and said that I doubt her and was trying to control her. I became furious and told that her that she doesn’t understand me and said to her, “Leave from here”. Are these words of divorce? 13. Once her father came and took her away from my home as she was very disturbed. It was then that I realised I had said words of separation from her to my father on phone (mentioned in point no.1). I tried to keep her with me till her iddah in case I divorced her, but she insisted on going. I finally told her that I had taken her back so as to be sure that I had taken her back within the iddah period (03 menstrual cycles), considering my first statement of separation which I told my father on phone call (mentioned in point no.1). My parents were also hurt by some of her actions and while leaving she said words that hurt me. 14. After she left with her father, I did not talk anything to her on phone as I was hurt. She was irritated by my actions and I kept repeatedly saying words of accepting her, and said that I had to care for her after I had accepted her so that our nikah is intact if it was valid. 15. Just 02-03 days before her third menstrual cycle started (from the point of my first statement of separation which I told my father on phone call - mentioned in point no.1), I had a an argument with her regarding how she disrespected me while leaving, how she hurt my parents and she said to me, ”This is how you have accepted me?”. I ignored her since then and called her very rarely. I now had thoughts of either remarrying her or divorcing her. 16. When I called her a few days later, I again told her that I had accepted her, but she had completed her ghusl after her third menstrual cycle ended (considering the point of my first statement of separation which I told my father on phone call - mentioned in point no.1) 17. I am in serious doubts now. As mentioned above, there were several instances where i issued statements of divorce or seemed to have issued and then had sex with her/said i wanted to live with her/said I accepted her. Did the iddah period end after I accepted her or did it continue till the end of three menstrual cycles? Did I divorce her and accepted her back more than twice, thus making my divorce irrevocable till she marries and divorces another man. I am scared that during her ending of iddah, we had arguments and i was in confusion whether to remarry her or divorce her. 18. Since our nikah i always felt i was attracted to deen only when i was away from her or didn't talk to her and felt my imaan drop whenever i talked to her. Sometimes, when I phoned her, she didn't answer, I don't know for what reason and when she phoned me, I didn't hear the ringing and therefore I couldn’t answer. I have also done istikhara in asking Allah to guide me in continuing marriage or remarrying her. I even once asked her and she agreed for remarriage. Once she herself told me for remarriage. Could this be a sign from Allah that I have to remarry her. I get thoughts that maybe Allah exposed her sin of zina so that either i remarry her or separate from her. I really don't know what to do. 19. After her iddah ended (considering the point of my first statement of separation which I told my father on phone call - mentioned in point no.1), we again had argument in car when I got irritated and told her “leave from here” twice. After the first saying, I had thought it could mean divorce, but I said it the second time also. Could this mean that we are completely divorced or do I have a chance to accept her again? 20. I feel that I would be sinning if I get intimate with her. 21. I told her jokingly that I would drop her to some location. I completed the sentence even when I thought this could mean divorce. I can say that I was very careful in choosing my words and whenever she asked me if I wanted to stay with her, I used to say "Yes" and said that I couldn't live without her. I suffer from waswasa and am confused regarding this and in need of a proper solution so that my life is better in this world as well in the hereafter. |
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| Answered by: | Ulamaa ID 04 (London) |
| Date: | 22/08/2022 00:11am |
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
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| Mufti Qamruzzaman London, UK |
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