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I lied to my boyfriend about my past and was earning his trust back but found out all along he lied

Last updated: 19th July 2023
Question ID: #8874
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I reverted to Islam in March and very shortly after met my boyfriend (I know it is forbidden to date but I fell in love with this man and we plan to get married soon). He asked me about my past and I only told him half of my past, I altered numbers but told him enough to know what I did because I felt ashamed and didn’t want my past to weigh me down. I lied out of fear of judgement. I felt guilty lying and started revealing more about my past. He made it very clear how important it was to him and the more I revealed the more he shamed me for my past. Over the past few months he has blamed me for the failing of our relationship and treated me differently. I took accountability and have tried earning his trust back but out of guilt I’ve eventually told him everything and he said he couldn’t forgive me. He has called me a hoe, liar, evil person, and made out as though I am the only one who has committed this lie. A week ago I remembered something else from my past (I genuinely had forgotten and told him instantly because he has consistently asked me for the smallest of details regarding my past). He said he couldn’t forgive me, no matter how much I begged and pleaded. This morning he told me he had lied about how many people he had sex with (something which I hadn’t lied about) and the amount really hurt me. He said he lied out of shame and guilt and now wants to get back with me. I don’t understand, I feel really hurt and as though he has enjoyed making me suffer for the past few months regarding my past. We fell in love and then all of this started to happen. I feel he has been so unfair to me because he has treated me the way he has when all along he lied too and much worse. I felt guilty for not telling him after he kept digging deeper, he felt no guilt at all no matter how many times I asked. In his defence he also asked me many times and I chose to reveal my past slowly bit by bit because I couldn’t take the judgment and shame it brought me. He forgave me everytime but now I wonder if it was just because he was hiding much more. I don’t know what to do, I love him and understand what I did was wrong. I thought I could conceal my past sins and only tell him enough to have a broad idea. I am hurt at how he has used my past against me and I wouldn’t have done the same to him if I knew his past. I am hurt that he has made me feel as though I am the only liar. I understand he felt shame from his past because that’s what I’ve felt and I understand why he didn’t want to tell me. I really don’t know what to do. Please help me. Despite this he has been loving, protective and respectful. We have met each others families and everything is perfect except for this. I fixate on my past now and all details and worry incase I’ve missed even the smallest detail to him. He said he didn’t see himself marrying me because of my past but now after telling me his he wants a future with me again. He’s been a very big hypocrite and I feel lost

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

الجواب حامداومصليا

It is Haram to be in this relationship. You must repent (Tawbah) to Allah.

The condition of Tawbah is to stop the sin, be remorseful and ashamed of the sin and make resolve that you will not return to the sin. This is sincere Tawbah.

It is better to pray two Rakah of Salah Al Tawbah.

يَـٰٓأَيُّہَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ تُوبُوٓاْ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ تَوۡبَةً۬ نَّصُوحًا

O you who believe, turn to Allah with a faithful repentance. (66:8)

You must reconnect yourself to your creator. Allah will guide you and show you away if you believe in Him and trust in Him.

وَمَن يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَل لَّهُ مَخْرَجًا

وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ ۚ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بَالِغُ أَمْرِهِ ۚ قَدْ جَعَلَ اللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدْرًا

....."And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out, And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent." (Surah Talaq 65:3)

And Allah knows best

06 Muharram 1445/ 24 July 2023

Answer last updated on:
25th July 2023
Answered by:
Ulamaa ID 04
Location: London