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Major marriage problems - need advice asap

Last updated: 20th May 2006
Question ID: #1876
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Assalmu-alaikum Respected Ulema,
my husband and I have have been married for over 12 years and up until about over a year ago we have had a good relationship, generally.
However, we seem to be arguing more and more lately and i dont see us getting anywhere as we arent resolving the issues that cause the arguments.
My spouse is higly educated and alhamdolillah he does pray all his salah (but at home), and keeps a sunnah beard. I married him because I was led to believe he was pious. Alhamdolillah, I have learnt alot from him but now he seems to be so driven by his work and is hardly at home. As i have 3 boys and they are getting older i feel they need a father's discipline but when he is at home he watches t.v. most of the time or is reading books (not islamic ones, though).
This is where the arguing starts. I have tried to be patient ( i a dmit i am not very patient), but it really gets to me as i feel he should be a better role model for our 4 children, instead of one who just puts them in front of the shaytan box.
I myslef have become involved in learning the deen and keeping pious, righteous friends, and mashallah am benefitting immensley from the knowledge I am gaining.
I try my best to teach my children but i feel my husband is not helping by not taking the kids to the masjid/lectures or encouraging them to do hifz which is my dream for my boys.
This last week he has not been speaking to me after yelling at me over a matter. Sadly, we also do not have a personal relationship anymore. I feel he is not fulfilling my rights in that area, either and it is very frustrating for me.
What do you advise we do?
I want us to work things out, and usually i am the 1st to apologize and i have this time too, to keep the peace. But somehow it dosnet seem the same this time - feels worse than ever b4 as if things are not going to get sorted. Allah u ahlem.
What do you advise we do?
Your duaas will be appreciated also. Please reply soon. Things are getting worse.
Jazakallah khairun,
wassalam


Bismihi Subhanahu Wa-ta'ala
Assalamooalaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
Respected Sister


Jazakallahu Khayran for your question. We hope the following advice proves useful. Masha-Allah, your concern for your children and especially your wish for them to become Hafiiz is indeed laudable . Allah make your children all from the 'Ulamaa Rabbaniyyeen.

After reading your question, I feel the solution to your problem lies in re-building a viable relationship with your husband. Priority must be given to this bond more than even the excellent aspirations you have for your children. Insha-Allah Ta'ala, concentrating on this point will ensure that everything falls into place. My understanding of the situation at hand is this, your relationship has been going well until you have had exposure to good, pious company and literature as a result of which you have progressed in your Deen whilst your husband has not. Marriage relations have become strained because of your fervour and concern for your husband to become more Deeni inclined.

Masha-Allah, you have been benefiting from good company but you must realise that your husband has not. There is a maxim in Urdu: Dil Loh, fir Deen Doh. Win the heart, and then apply the Deen. Quite simply, winning the heart opens the door to their heart hence explaining the Deen becomes ever so easy. With 12 years of marriage to your husband, it should be easy to know what makes him "tick" and use this to ease him onto the road of Deen.

The Blessing of Sabr and Shukr

Sabr and Shukr Story - There was an ugly husband and beautiful wife. One day, while they were sitting together, the wife smiled. The husband asked why she was smiling. She said, we are both Jannati. He said What on Earth makes you say that? Well, she continued, I am very beautiful and gorgeous and undoubtedly you are most grateful to Allah for this? He submitted that he was most grateful and praised Allah often for this Blessing. She said, and I make Sabr of your ugly looks, so does this not make us both Jannati? Ultimately Sabr, Shukr, Tawakkul, Saadghee (a simple life) and the like , connection with Allah are treasures which cannever be surpassed by the worldly treasures. If you remember this story eve you feel impatient, then you will realise that patience of your husband is a great treasure and is your Jannah also make Shukr that Allah has granted you a husband that prays and has some Deen in him. In this world, everyone is tested by Allah (so Allah can award one with higher stages in Jannah which perhaps they were unable to attain through good actions), consider this your test in this world.

Start Ta'leem in the Home

One of the first things you should introduce in your home is the Ta'leem. We suggest that you start off with making Ta'leem in the house for at least 10 minutes from Fadhail-e-A'amaal and Fadhail-e-Sadaaqat by Shaykhul Hadith Maulana Muhammad Zakariyya Rahmatullahi Alaih. Endeavour to read half a page, a page or a couple of pages from all the Kitaabs namely: Stories of Sahabah, Virtues of Qur'an, Virtues of Dhikr, Virtues of Salaah, Virtues of Tabligh and Muslim Degeneration and its only remedy and Fadhail-e-Sadaaqat. By listening to the virtues of good deeds and the promises of punishments of misdeeds, this will Insha-Allah Ta'ala affect the listeners' heart gradually. Please bear in mind, that you must not compel your husband to sit in Ta'leem nor make him feel guilty for not sitting. Simply request your children and your husband (softly) to join the Ta'leem in the room even if he does not participate, still carry on, for the Ta'leem is for oneself. Insha-Allah Ta'ala he will join you soon, but do not be surprised if this takes days or months. When making effort on someone, the fruits are not usually immediate but what is necessary is that one should be steadfast with good actions and sincere du'aa. Once he starts sitting with you Insha-Allah Ta'ala, a change will take place in him. Steadfastness and patience is the key to Hidayaat (Guidance).

The Ta?leem?s effects have been experienced by many and the changes have been magnificent. Of course, guidance is not a pill which takes effect over night but is a gradual process.

Perhaps the following points may be helpful in diffusing arguments:

Endeavour to please your husband with the types of dress, perfume or his favourite cuisines etc. Many times it happens that over the years, spouses lose interest in each other and lacklustre sets in. Courting is an important part of marriage to keep the marriage alive and kicking. Don't lose sight of this. A gift now and then. A surprise here and there keeps love buoyant.
Allah Most High says: ?And among his signs is this, that He created for you partners from among your selves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He put love and mercy between you.? [Qur?an, al-Rum: 21]

Don?t retaliate with a show of anger, annoyances, botheration towards your Husband during arguments. Just stay silent. When his anger has subsided, then take the initiative to diffuse the argument by discussing the situation.

You say that you have a learnt a lot from your husband in previous years. Ponder on how you benefited and why you took the advice readily. Make an intention to also benefit him in his Deen and make this your goal and aspiration.

Choose an appropriate time to sit down with your husband and have a frank but polite (non-confrontational) dialog with him. Explain that you do not want your marriage to fall into an abyss and your concerns with the way the relationship is going. Also be open and ask him what is bothering him. Explain your feelings and concerns for him. I am sure he will react favourably to your frank dialog.

Please use methods which include advising him with wisdom and beautiful preaching. If you feel it has gone totally out of hand and you have lost control then seek the mediation of family and a local, reliable scholar.

Some of the points in the article below may be helpful also.

Tips for a Happy and Successful Marriage by Dr Aisha Hamdan
http://tinyurl.com/lvd6f

If anything is not clear, please let me know.
Jazaakumullah and request for Du'aas
and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best
Mufti
Answer last updated on:
3rd June 2006
Answered by:
Ulamaa ID 03
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Location: UK
(Mufti) Abdullah Patel
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