Marriage - Issues

I reverted to Islam in March and very shortly after met my boyfriend (I know it is forbidden to date but I fell in love with this man and we plan to get married soon). He asked me about my past and I only told him half of my past, I altered numbers but told him enough to know what I did because I felt ashamed and didn’t want my past to weigh me down. I lied out of fear of judgement. I felt guilty lying and started revealing more about my past. He made it very clear how important it was to him and the more I revealed the more he shamed me for my past. Over the past few months he has blamed me for the failing of our relationship and treated me differently. I took accountability and have tried earning his trust back but out of guilt I’ve eventually told him everything and he said he couldn’t forgive me. He has called me a hoe, liar, evil person, and made out as though I am the only one who has committed this lie. A week ago I remembered something else from my past (I genuinely had forgotten and told him instantly because he has consistently asked me for the smallest of details regarding my past). He said he couldn’t forgive me, no matter how much I begged and pleaded. This morning he told me he had lied about how many people he had sex with (something which I hadn’t lied about) and the amount really hurt me. He said he lied out of shame and guilt and now wants to get back with me. I don’t understand, I feel really hurt and as though he has enjoyed making me suffer for the past few months regarding my past. We fell in love and then all of this started to happen. I feel he has been so unfair to me because he has treated me the way he has when all along he lied too and much worse. I felt guilty for not telling him after he kept digging deeper, he felt no guilt at all no matter how many times I asked. In his defence he also asked me many times and I chose to reveal my past slowly bit by bit because I couldn’t take the judgment and shame it brought me. He forgave me everytime but now I wonder if it was just because he was hiding much more. I don’t know what to do, I love him and understand what I did was wrong. I thought I could conceal my past sins and only tell him enough to have a broad idea. I am hurt at how he has used my past against me and I wouldn’t have done the same to him if I knew his past. I am hurt that he has made me feel as though I am the only liar. I understand he felt shame from his past because that’s what I’ve felt and I understand why he didn’t want to tell me. I really don’t know what to do. Please help me. Despite this he has been loving, protective and respectful. We have met each others families and everything is perfect except for this. I fixate on my past now and all details and worry incase I’ve missed even the smallest detail to him. He said he didn’t see himself marrying me because of my past but now after telling me his he wants a future with me again. He’s been a very big hypocrite and I feel lost

Three Talaqs in one sitting – A Detailed Account
Husband gave Talaq, Talaq, Talaq in anger. And then said if you stay, you can stay in haram or go to your brother's house.
[A little context];
Before saying the three Talaqs, he took his wife's phone off her and threw it on the floor three times and broke it because she was not listening to his important instructions, the wife was on the phone to their daughter. The husband told his wife to say something to their daughter (something really important), and the wife said she was going to convey the message, but the husband couldn't wait, (he explained that the wife said “ok I will say it.” In a condescending way, but the wife said she said it to him how she normally says it).
He repeated Talaq to his wife three times, and he was extremely angry…Thereafter he said to her, “If you want to stay, you can stay in haram, or go to your brother’s house.”
The wife got her Abaya etc. and went outside the house because of what her husband said. Later the husband said he thought she went to the living room and sat down, he didn’t think she will go out of the house.
About 5 hours later, the husband speaking to his son confirmed he knew what he said, stating phrases such as ''It's finished.'' However, in a conversation 72hrs hours (after the talaq was given), he said he didn't know what he was saying; he said he didn't have control of what he said at the time.
A couple of days later, the husband spoke to some of his children and repeated a few times that he knew what he said, and he said it with his mouth but it was not in his heart, he said it out of anger. He said (to his children) 'Your mum knows I didn't mean it'.
Approximately a week later the husband has gone to his wife, and asked her to go back home with him, but the wife did not want to go. The wife told the husband “You are aware of the ruling go and get some answers and come back.”
The husband since has gone a couple of times back to the wife to tell her to go back home with him but she wishes not to, (she has been living in her relatives house).
Another week later the husband is saying that his anger had calmed down in the last 20 years, and at the time of uttering the talaq, something came over him, he said Iblis took over him, and he does not remember what he said, he was insane and berserk. He emphasised only he knows what he meant, and no one understands him except a few.

Any help will be appreciated…

I dreamt I asked my husband for talaaq and gave him a pen and page . He wrote the word talaaq on the paper?What is the meaning of this dream ?

Dear respected Mufti, Assalam-u-alaikum

I would like to seek some advice with regards financial settlement in the event of divorce.
I have been married for almost 30 years and we have 3 children who are now adults, all working and financially indepenedent. One daughter is married and I have a son and daughter who are both unmarried living at home.
Unfortunately, our relationship has broken down and no longer at the stage of being reconciled.
My question is with regards the financial settlement and share of the assets.
Both my wife and I are working. Our first home was in joint names. My wife helped with the deposit to purchase the house of around £1,500 in 1995. The house was bought on a mortgage which I was fully paying off. The total cost of the house would have been around £35,000 when the mortgage was paid off which I fully paid for minus the deposit amount. I pad all the bills and expenses of the house and covered the large majority of household expenses including groceries and children’s costs. Though my wife did contribute towards washing machine and other costs infrequently.
Up until 2003 my wife wasn’t in employment apart from a brief spell of a few months before she became pregnant with the first child.
After my wife started working I continued to pay the majority of the household expenses.
In 2010 we purchased another larger house for which I used savings that I Had, we took out an Amanah HSBC mortgage and family loans. The cost of the house was £185,000. There was approximately £15,000 spent on furnishings and other costs to move into totally £200,000. My wife contributed £30,000 at this point and all the remaining costs and repayments of the family loan as well as the mortgage payments were made by me. I continued to pay all the utility bills and my wife started covering the large bulk of the grocery expenses – though I did on occasions buy stuff.
I worked hard to pay off the family loan and mortgage and Alhumdulillah by around 2021 we paid of the all the debts. My wife contributed £17,000 on the final settlement of the mortgage. The cost of this house would have been around £225,000 after all the repayments were made – my wife paid £47,000 of that which is 21%.
Our old house involved need full refurbishment of around £13,000 which I paid for and then we rented the house out. I used the income from the rent to help settle the loans on the new house.
Although I paid for the bulk of both houses, ownership of both was in joint names.
During these last few years when I was paying off the loan for the second house I encountered some financial challenges but continued paying off the obligations. During this time my wife had built up large savings but this money wasn’t made available to help pay off the loans. My wife also took overseas holidays (3 times in one year) and spent money on meals out, clothing etc. My focus was on paying off loan and I wasn’t able to spend money on myself in the same manner. This included a period of 6 months in 2018 where I didn’t have a job. My wife gave £600 towards household expenses and my oldest daughter gave £400. – my monthly commitments were around £800 a month. But I kept up all the repayments and bills.
Our relationship has particularly deteriorated the last 5 years. Many times my wife has asked me to leave and put emotional pressure on me with threats to kick me out, and that this was her house other threats. I lived with the worry of being kicked out and as all my income was going towards paying off the loans and bills, I hadn’t built up savings an didn’t have the financial stability that my wife maintained. I always thought that divorce was a last resort and for the sake of our relationship, our children, our families and our reputations to try and stay together and make it work. Unfortunately these couldn’t improve and I was living through this emotional stress and pain, not financially being in a position to move out.
This last year I have been getting more pressure from my wife to divorce her and to leave. At this point I came to the realisation that it was over and I needed to leave.
Last year we sold the first house for £150,000 and the lawyer transferred the money 50/50 into each of our accounts. I got valuations of the current home last year and was quoted £300,000.
I had been looking for places to rent or buy and due to my personal mental health and limited availability/suitability of houses on the market I wasn’t able to secure anything.
Pressure has continued and my mental and physical health also has deteriorated. My wife in January proposed that she wanted to end things amicably all that she wanted was 50/50 split on the current house and that she wouldn’t ask for anything else.
Although I feel I have invested a lot more in both houses and household expenses, for the sake of a peaceful closure I agreed and asked her to give me £150,000. She agreed to this and getting me the money within a week and insisted she wanted a timeline when I wpould be out and that I should make sure I take all my belongings. I told her I couldn’t give her a fixed date but it would take me a three or four months to secure a place.
A few days later she changed her mind and said she wanted to try and work things out and didn’t want to throw 30 years of life together away. The toil the last few years has been too great for me to continue and I said I couldn’t continue like this. My wife had money tied up in a fixed term savings account and needed 120 days to release it. I asked her to give notice which she agreed to do.
I have been searching more actively and have recently found a place. Ive recently told her that I need the money to help with the purchase and we could sign a separation agreement that would tie up our financial commitments to each other as splitting the value of the current house (she wanted to stay in the house) and that we would both forgo any financial claims on each other (even though I feel I have more of a claim). Once moved out we could assess during the time away we could reflect and assess whether there could be any reconciliation and if not we would proceed to divorce.
My wife recently discussed with her father and said the maximum that she can give me is

‘In terms of the money, we discussed this at length and due to both Mehmuda and my dad committing alot of their savings to appa for the purchase of their property my final offer to you is £120,000. I absolutely cannot offer you anymore.
I have a house to run, which needs decorating throughout. A garden front and back including shed that needs sorting.
Front door, car and new mobile expenses which I need to account and plan for.
I have 2 children who may want to get married and will require financial assistance.

I will have bills to pay.
Taking on all of this I have to ensure my financial stability and will not look at taking on any form of loan. The money I borrow from my dad will need to be paid back.’

As well as the £75,000 from the sale of the first house, my wife had built up considerable savings over the years along with inheritance money. She also has a property registered in her name which is her fathers.
Please could I ask what the shariah position is for us on a financial settlement and what our obligations and rights are on each other.
Im sorry that my letter is quite long but I wanted to capture everything. If you need any further clarification, please do not hesitate in contacting me.

Thanking you in advance for taking the time to address my question and I look forward t0 hear from you soon Insha Allah.

Wassalam,

Husband gave Talaq, Talaq, Talaq in anger. And then said if you stay, you can stay in haram or go to your brother's house.

[A little context];
Before saying the Talaqs, he took his wife's phone off her and threw it on the floor three times and broke it because she was not listening to his instructions, the wife was on the phone to their daughter. The husband told his wife to say something to their daughter, and the wife said she was going to convey the message anyway, but the husband couldn't wait and was rushing her, he repeated to his wife three times, and he was angered...

About 5 hours later, the husband confirmed to his son he knew what he said, stating phrases such as ''it's finished'' By now he was cool and calm, had cooked a dish, and was eating, indicating he confirmed the talaq in a calm and collected rapport. however, upon being questioned 72hrs hours (after the talaq was given), he said he didn't know what he was saying, he said he didn't have control of what he said at the time...

[Further information];
the marriage has been toxic for many years and the wife is being abused verbally and physically all day every day. For the last 6-7 months, this abuse has intensified due to other family issues which the wife is being blamed for because the husband feels she is not having the same opinion or level of concern as him.
He said (to his children) 'Your mum knows I didn't mean it'.
Also, he is always saying that he hates her and can't stand people like her and she's not my type of woman.

Assalamualaikum wrwb.

I have a long situation with multiple questions so please bear with me. Moreover, noone has yet answered me and I'm in a difficult question.

I am from Pakistan. I came to know about a girl. Her family is Shia (with beliefs of shirk, asking from Hazrat Ali and Hazrat Fatima, slandering the sahaba, accusing Hazrat Ayesha of Zina Naudubillah etc) but she doesn't believe in any of it and has become Sunni. She has publicly announced it infront of her friends too. And also doesn't take part in any Shia activities. We shared how we intend to live our life and liked her and wanted to marry. My parents agree to it but we approached her parents, even my parents went to her parents but they refused. Moreover, they are extremely oppressive, they abused and said bad things about her infront of us as well etc. And said they will onlyarry in Syed family.

So, we have decided to do court marriage with wali and witnesses as some righteous islamic persons. My questions are :

1. Due to the aqeedah of her family, they can't be wali or witnesses right? So i can do court marriage as she doesn't have a wali or witness. As per Hanfi fiqh as well, she can marry without wali anyways. What do you say about it.

2. My reason for marrying her is that she's righteous and shares same intentions to spend married life as per Shariah and learning and teaching deen. But also because if I don't marry her, her parents will forcibly marry her to some Shia person or some non righteous Syed Sunni just to marry her off and she will have to do it under pressure. Her family is dangerous to the point of beating or even harming. If they come to know about our marriage they can harm her even if she's with me. She's going outside to Beligum to do masters so she can get out of the house and she will come back during holidays and we will get married in presence of my family. But she will still try to convince them to agree else she will marry by her own in an attempt that they agree (and yes. All tries to convince them lovingly and with hikmah seems to have failed)
a. If i marry her, but suppose if her parents agree later on to marry her off. Then, I know we can do nikkah again(Tajdeed e Nikah) infront of them. But since they can't be wali and witnesses, this re-nikkah will not be valid. But is it allowed in this situation as a Maslahah to do/show a nikkah just to show them with them as wali/witnesses which will not hold any Sharayi value as in normal conditions this nikkah will not be valid but since we have done nikkah already, this will be just to show them so that his family doesn't harm her or us in the future snd we can spend our married life at ease.
b. if they still don't agree, what do you think should i do.. because i have decided firmly that we will marry still because of the situation i told you.

Hope you understand my questions. and answer me at priority.

Jazakumullahu Khairan Kaseera Sheikh.

My question slightly varies, in terms of reasons of our separation and a new proposal in the picture.
We separated 6 yrs ago, to give him time to improve his financial circumstances, no intimacy for 6 yrs and my love and respect for him gone down the drain because no progress at his end whatsoever in these 6 yrs. Meanwhile I have received a marriage proposal from someone who seems willing to take on the family's responsibility with a true heart, mother's istikhara was positive. So was that proposal haram because of the timing as I am in a nikah although separated with no hope of reunion at all. Personally I was of the opinion that I would not apply for a khula until a suitable new proposal is in place and ok to go ahead. This was purely to give my husband the time he keeps asking for. Seems I was wrong in thinking that.

Simply put my question is "is it wrong to send a marriage proposal to a married woman based on the condition her marriage has irretrievably broken down ?" If so how would women living in such difficult circumstances of separation or husbands disappearing for long periods of time ever come out of it?

Hello, I am in a panic situation.
I am married, and from the USA. My husband is Palestinian, and lived in Jordan when we first got married. I wrongly allowed friends and family members to convince me that he only married me to come to the USA, and as a result, I was a very rude and disrespectful wife for the early years of our marriage.
Once he gained US Citizenship, and then he didn’t immediately leave me, I realized my family and friends were wrong about him, and that he did enter the marriage in good faith, and is a very good man. And so I began the work of correcting my behavior and changing my views about him by focusing on the good parts of him, and there are many. Soon, I began to love him and respect him the way I always should have done, and to strive to be the wife that Allah S.W.T. would want me to be. I am not perfect, but I begin every day with that intention, and work the whole day to be better and let all my actions show my love and respect.
The problem, now, he cannot forgive me and he does not trust me that I will not revert back to my old ways when I thought he was only using me to get here. And he wants to leave me. More recently, he told me that he has not found another woman yet, but is looking for a new wife to marry once he leaves and divorces me. I was very enraged by this, and I spat in his face. He now says that is unforgivable, and that he was 60% leaning toward giving our marriage another chance, until I did that. Now he will definitely leave next month and wants to divorce me at that time.
I ask, is there any way for me to redeem myself. Do I even have a right to ask him to continue the marriage with me, or should I accept that I have ruined it, and stop striving toward repairing the marriage. Please advise me, I am completely distraught and ashamed of my actions, and I love my husband, very much.

My father in law went bankrupt and he disappeared without informing his family. My husband and family was dependent on him and they were living on a rental property at that time, they didn’t have any saving as well except for the security they paid for the rental house, so it was like the whole world collapsed at once as they didn’t know what to do where to go and how will they manage all this. Meanwhile, I was pregnant and was living with my parents due to my health issues, when I got to know about the situation I asked my husband to move with us to another city and I’ll pay the transportation as well since I was running a business. I asked my in laws to calm down and we should all earn in order to survive. I have 2 unmarried sister in laws and a mother in law, my brother in law got separated because my MIL and SILs throw his wife out of the house. Anyhow, my husband and I started to work, he invested the rental security into a business from which he is not able to earn till now rather I’m paying the expenses of that business as well. Its been a year, my inlaws are very disrespectful towards me. They don’t miss a chance to humiliate me. This is very depressing for me, I got multiple health issues and they just don’t care about that rather they just want me to run the house and do all of their house chores as well because apparently they are all sick. My SIL has a major role in this, she said its my duty to look after everyone as I’m the daughter in law. Now they are also abusing me, I never in my dreams think that this day will come. What should I do, this environment is getting too toxic for me, I even get suicidal thoughts. I just don’t know what to do. I even got an opportunity to move to Australia for work but I always thought what would happen to my inlaws if we move out, but they don’t have regard for anything. My husband is very supportive and I love my child alot, only these two are the reason that I haven’t done anything yet. Please guide me.

Need more clarification with regards to this:
https://www.muftisays.com/qa/marriage-issues/8552-only-saying-divor/

Even if the incomplete word "divo"/"divor" was rapidly uttered several times, with intention, no divorce would happen?

JazakAllah for your guidance.

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

Mufti sahb,
I’ll go straight to the point as I can understand your busy life.

I was married,

Because of some problems my wife stopped eating for three days because she wanted me to give her talaq.. that was becoming a serious situation and threat, so I had to do it! Does it count as a talaq?

I’m asking this because I gave other two talaqs willingly and I’m considering to go back to her because of my children and I may only get back if the forced one didn’t count..

I hope to get an answer soon because I’m at a very critical condition. Jazakallah

Regards
Muhammad Ibrahim

A husband, while alone, only says "divo" or "divor" (i.e. not the full word "divorce"), and he's thinking of his wife at the same time.

Does this cause a divorce to happen?

Assalamu Alaikum
I have a question in regards to obtaining faskh Nikah.
I am separated from My husband for over 5years-and he refuses to give Talaq or Khula or even civil divorce and I was advised to go through Shariah Council for Faskh as he is not co operating.
However I am being told different opinions some say Faskh Nikah obtained through Council will not be valid as they are many operating providing services of Faskh and taking a large amount if money and it is just a money making scheme and only if husband signs the papers then the nikah is terminated.
Please can I have any reference to this and whether it is permissible to obtain Faskh through reputable council and the validity of it as this is the only option I have after trying to mediate through family.
Jazakallah Khair

Hi I had an arranged marriage when I was 21 to my cousin
& as l do not have anything in common with her or love her

For the past 13 years I have put and shut up for the kids

However I hace commited Zina on several occasions
The family knows and my wife knows
However when I ask for separation
They manipulate me to stay for the kids & tell me I’m not welcome to stay with them
This is emotional abuse and making me feeling trapped
My wife would also like separation as she doesn’t feel respected or valued which I understand
But she also feels trapped

So what can I do to get past this constant emotional turnmoil I am
Being unhappy and trapped in a marriage for the kids ?

My spouse as abandoned the obligation of the islamic faith - salah etc, as a result I'm not attracted to him anymore, and I fear facing the punishment of Allah 'SWT'. Please advise.

Asalaamu’alaykum,

I have been married for just under 1-year alhamdulliah. Before marrying my husband, I was born and raised in London but he had a job opportunity, so I moved for him once we married. Before meeting my husband, I lived alone with my two children in a council flat. During the engagement period to my husband he was paying for my rent and supporting myself and two children alhamdulliah.

Once we officially married I moved to my husband and I left my house in London empty, my husband continued paying towards my house while also providing for us while living with him. I have been saving and planning to buy this council flat in a halal manner for over 3 years so until I’m able to buy out right I must make monthly payments towards rent of £550. My husband was fine with this because I visit London every month to visit family so whenever I go, I stay at my house in London.

5 months ago my father came to me and told me he is homeless and has nowhere else to go, he is remarried and he needed somewhere to stay with his wife. He asked me to stay at my house in London since its empty until he can find somewhere permanent. My husband was ok with this as my dad is quite old and doesn’t have savings/investments and it’s a horrible situation to be in. My husband continued to pay the rent in my house as even though my father is staying there with his wife I still visit every month and stay there also.

My husband has now told me that he cannot pay towards my rent and that I should asked my father to as he is working and should contribute towards the rent. He even suggested that my other siblings should pay towards the rent, and the burden shouldn’t just fall onto my husband. I tried to explain to him that he is my father and he hasn’t asked me for financial support but he asked to stay in an empty house. I tried to explain that my father is a guest in my home and he’s going through other things and it would be wrong of me to stress him further and make him uncomfortable. In the end the tenancy is under my name the responsibility falls on me therefore my husband was providing while it was empty, I don’t understand how now I’m helping a parent it’s an issue today. My husband concluded the situation with if I don’t want to ask my dad to pay then I should ask my siblings and I said I cannot do that so he concluded with I should get a job and make the payments myself. My husband isn’t happy with this conclusion, but I feel like he’s given me no choice in the matter.

I do want to mention my husband alhamdulliah he is financially stable and makes good money. He also supports his family (mother/father/siblings) when in need and he has two children from a previous marriage that he supports. Yes, in our household together he provides everything myself and my children need alhamdulliah. What is my right in this situation?

We are a Muslim family of 5 living in Canada.

My mom has gone through a-lot with my dad during her past 25 years with him. She finally was able to find a place at cooperative home that would accommodate us and her.

My dad agreed on the basis that she agrees to sell the home that we used to live in. She agrees but asks for half of the net sale of the house goes to her. Considering that this is what she is legally entitled to.

They have been living separately for over a year now. My mom wants to make everything official between them in terms of separation.

My dad says he is willing to go and sign the documents to legally divorce her but he is not going to be giving her alimony support considering that the money she has got from the sale of the house is claimed to be like a support and alimony to her (~ $50K).

Is what my dad proposing justified from an Islamic point of view?

Aoa. Question on someone’s behalf. Couple has been married for 22 years with 2 kids. First few years were fine but then problem started to arise.there was a big difference in family background.wife was abusive and fought over small matters and rude to in-laws as well. With time husband started to become rude and abusive as well. Now it has come to the point where they fight every day and to make it worse couple of years ago husband married again. It made matters even worse . Wife is always badmouthing husband picking fight all the time and husband is getting abusive as well fighting back. It’s like they are on revenge spree and want to hurt each other as much as possible. Not thinking about kids at all what are they going through. Abusive and very toxic household.unable to divorce the wife as there is no family support for kids. All family members abroad . What should be done in this case?
Thanks you

Last year I gave my marriage with your daughter another chance when she
agreed she would listen to me & do as I told her. She has failed to
do those things and told me herself that she only agreed so that she would be
able to come back and change my mind over time and that if she has to do what
we agreed to she doesn’t want to be in this marriage. After everything that
has happened I know there is no rehashing that can be done in this marriage
to come to a different conclusion besides ending it. The wound is to big to
be patched so the only way to fix it is to sever It’s best for both of us
to move on and go our separate ways so we don’t waste each others time and
cause each other more pain. I can have her things delivered to her or one of
your son in-laws can come pick it up.

Salam

I have a close friend who sent this message with the intention of divorcing
his wife. If they are to get back together do they need to do Nikkah?


Jazakallah

As-Salaam-Alaikum, I am writing to you to ask for advice in a personal matter. I have been married for 1 year and live in a shared accommodation with my mother, step-father, and sister.

My wife is not happy with the living arrangement due to multiple reasons. We live in an apartment however since there are only 2 washrooms she has to share it with my sister, and the washroom is inconveniently located outside the bedroom. My parents have always had certain rules regarding my sister and they try to apply the same to my wife i.e. not going out alone, coming home early e.t.c. It also affects our intimacy since the rooms are very close. She is not happy with their interference in our life.

On the other hand, I have tried to have a conversation with my parents regarding me moving out and everytime it has turned out to be really bad as they both take it very emotionally and get sick. They have told me that if I leave the house for a separate accommodation with my wife they will essentially end their relationship with me and I would not be allowed to see them again. They say that we have invested all our life in you and now it's your time to give back. I've tried to convey to them multiple times that I will still keep all my responsibilities as a son even if I move out but they don't seem to agree on this. When I quote Islam and scholars, they tell me that I shouldn't pick and choose between what I want to follow from religion and what not.

I am really stuck in a very difficult situation as on one side my wife is really not happy with the living arrangement, and on the other side I fear Allah that if I leave without my parents blessings it would not be good for us. My mother has made a lot of sacrifices for me, countless, so is it selfish of me to be thinking of my wife? When I last talked to my mother about moving out, she got really sick, and she didn’t eat, and she kept crying for a long time. She told me a mother doesn’t wish bad for her children but her tears are not good if the child is the cause of that. I need your advice regarding what to do in this situation, I.e. how to deal with it such that I can balance both ends.