I am a unmarried man in his 30"s and an addict to pornography / masturbation of 15/20 years. I have tried numerous of times to quit this evil deed, unfortunately my nafs and shaytaan has not allowed me to. But one day very soon I will, In-Sha-Allah.
One day whilst browsing this evil addiction of mine, I found myself stumbling across blasphemous video content, in that moment I found myself strangely aroused by it, until I ejaculated and all of the guilt came rushing to me. I promised myself I wouldn't ever consume this type ever again. But shaytaan had other plans, and every once in a while I would take a sneak peak or be aroused by the idea / thought of it. I resolved myself once more and made touba and I never consumed it again, I then went umrah and tried to make a positive change in my life, I went 2 months without pornography etc started to pray and not miss salah and I was happy, until I relapsed. And the cycle started again. (I never consumed blasphemous content after the relapse, only the regular evil)
Recently, I have started to doubt my belief, thoughts such as "how can such a disgusting person like you even be Muslim when you have such evil perverted thoughts involving religion, how can you expect Allah to forgive you when you insulted him and his deen, this is why your touba and umrah and duas wasnt accepted" this guilty thinking and self loathing has stopped me from praying, lowered my imaan so much that sometimes I don't even think I'm Muslim anymore. I am genuinely lost and misguided. Can Allah even forgive such a grave sinner as myself? Is there hope? What do I do to help myself get out of this hole?
Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Al Jawaab Billahit-Tawfeeq
There are no limits to Allah's mercy. One of Allah's attributes that's said more than any by every Muslim is Rahman and Raheem. At the end of Basmalah, in Surah Fatihah and generally as Nidaa (Ya Rahman, Ya Raheem).
Think about a mother's mercy to her child whether in human or animal. A Hadeeth of Muslim in the book of Tawbah it is narrated from Abu Hurayrah (r.a.) that the Prophet (saw) said: “Allah has one hundred parts of mercy, of which He sent down one between the jinn, mankind, animals and insects, by means of which they are compassionate and merciful to one another, and by means of which wild animals are kind to their offspring. And Allah has kept back ninety-nine parts of mercy with which to be merciful to His slaves of the Day of Resurrection.
Another Hadeeth states the beloved prophet (saw) said, "Allah is more merciful to His slaves than this woman is to her child" referring to the slave mother who lost her child and embraced the child upon finding the child. The prophet asked the companions, "Would she thrown the child into a fire?" They replied, "No, by Allah, not if she is able not to".
If there's no Tawbah and no regret on sinful actions then the Mu'min is lost. That is the point that leads to eternal darkness. Regret and Tawbah can also be insufficient if there's no intent to stop. If there's genuine intent to stop, regret, remorse and you seek forgiveness from the creator then Allah can forgive infinite times.
Ulamaa have prescribed many ways to give up sins:
1) To increase good deeds. This automatically overpowers sins and distances you from it.
2) Fasting and being in the state of Wudhu.
3) Indulging in new hobbies (Halaal)
4) Cleaning the Masjid including the toilets. This is a method to humble oneself.
5) Reading Ta'awwudh regularly (A'uzhu billahi minash-Shaytaanir Rajeem)
6) Recite and listen to Qur'aan. The Qur'aan itself is known as a mercy to mankind. If we are to seek mercy, we should recite the words of Allah.
With these methods and efforts, it has been experienced by many that they did not have to make any effort to give up sins, the sins left them instead.
May we all attain absolute forgiveness and the pleasure of Allah (swt) as we are all sinful.