Znynor
1
Assalaamu alaikum.
I'm a 23 year old girl living in a non Islamic country and who was pursuing a management degree at a local university (which is mixed with men and women and with nearly 95% of Non-Muslims). I've completed my first year of the degree, most of the part I've learnt from home and went to the exam only. There are so many haram activities. I started to feel like deviating from the way of Allah. Even when staying with non Muslim girls at hostel like listening to music, so reduced staying at hostel.
But the more I connected with the Quran and my Rabb, I realised that I'm doing something wrong. I couldn't pray on time, the degree was a distraction to my prayer and the connection with the quran. When I had to memorise the theoretical subjects, I felt the connection with the quran was affected. The more I came close to my Rabb, the more I realised that the course isn't suitable for me.I hate very much travelling by bus (the only way I could travel) which is full of men, always crowded, and probably with music on. I have a brother but it's impossible to take leaves and take me to the university. Even if he is able, he wouldn't. And my father is recovering from oral cancer.
Already I'm a victim of childhood trauma. The emotional neglect continues till now. There was always verbal violence in my home since my childhood. I always feel like I'm in deprivation of mother's love and care. The trauma affects me in my social life as well. I decided I shouldn't be like my mother to my child thus it's also a reason to drop the degree, because if not, it would be hard to me to heal myself and to learn how to be a good mother and to become a sincere servant of Allah.
Through quran I was continuously receiving warnings and to leave what I was doing. So I dropped my degree and informed my parents. I was happy regarding that decision but my family wasn't.
While these situations, the verbal abuse has increased much more. Now it's been 6 months since I've informed the decision. And yet the psychological torture isn't stopping. They (mother father brother) force me to do work. Everyday, they point out that I deserve to work. I can't even pray or recite quran freely. These people are not only against my decision but they hinder Allah, prophet and Deen as well. So continuously there is a clash between me and them.
I feel my health is going weak. This week I've had a 'hypertension crisis'. I'm experiencing brain fog and so on. If I continue to live here I may face a huge health issue.
I hope to spend my creativity in Allah's way, but I couldn't even think normally under these circumstances. From even before, so many times I've planned to do hijrah. But I don't know where to go. All of my relatives are similar to these people. Some Others seems like munafiqs to me. Because they reject the decision of dropping the degree just because of prayer and sunnah. Some close friends even can't understand my situation because I never complained before about the verbal violence or about emotional neglect to anyone. I don't know how to express exactly what I experience.
I hope you can help me by suggesting escaping ways from these situations as soon as possible.
Jazakallaahu khayr in advance.
