Indian Helpdesk...

HSBC:

Muadh Khan: Yes I have an Islamic Mortgage called AMANAH and I cannot find their number online, can you give me their telephone Number.

Help Desk: Sure, Mr Khan, give me 5 minutes.

Help Desk: 10 minutes later, Which bank do you have a mortgage with?

Muadh Khan: Can I ask you something?

Help Desk: Sure.

Muadh Khan: If I had a Mortgage with Barclays why would I call you at HSBC???

ASDA:

Muadh Khan: Hi, I ordered a Mouthwash and ASDA delivered “Mint flavoured Toothpaste”. I returned it but my Account has not been credited. Can you check please.

Help Desk: Sorry about that Mr Khan, let me check.

Help Desk: 5 minutes later, Yes, our policy is to provide a suitable substitute for a product which runs of stock.

Muadh Khan: So in your opinion is a “Mint Flavoured Toothpaste” is a suitable substitute for “Alcohol Free Mouthwash”?

Help Desk: I am just telling you Mr Khan that our policy...

Muadh Khan: I heard your policy I am just asking in your opinion is a “Mint Flavoured Toothpaste” is a suitable substitute for “Alcohol Free Mouthwash”?

Muadh Khan: Can I get my money back, please?

Help Desk: Let me check with my Supervisor Mr Khan!

Muadh Khan: I won't hold while you investigate this issue so investigate and call me back.

Help Desk: Ok Mr Khan I will call you back.

Help Desk: Hi Mr Khan I am calling you back after speaking to my supervisor

Muadh Khan: Thanks for ringing...

Help Desk: As I was saying our policy is...

Muadh Khan: Look I know your policy. If I ordered a toy car which you send a tank? Are they related in your view?

Help Desk: I was just stating our policy..

Muadh Khan:  I don't have time for this so I would like your supervisor to ring me back!

Ireland: Good Afternoon Mr Khan, I am calling you from ASDA

Muadh Khan: Afternoon, Thanks for ringing me back, have you looked into the issue.

Ireland: I have Mr Khan and I am refunding the money and would also like to offer you a Voucher for £5.00 off your next shopping.

Muadh Khan: (Giggling) You are laughing aren't you? I can hear it, its funny this story isn't it?

Ireland: No Mr Khan (smiling), we made a mistake and I apologise

Muadh Khan: No problems mate...Enjoy your day I don't know why it took 2-3 calls to India to resolve this issue. “Mint Flavoured Toothpaste”  for “Alcohol Free Mouthwash”? What next? American Guinness for Irish ???

Ireland: No Mr Khan (laughing), That's not a suitable substitue at all.

Muadh Khan: I know, tell the Indians that.

Ireland: No worries Mr Khan (laughing), I will...

Muadh Khan: Thanks for your help

3:

Muadh Khan: Hi, I wanted my number transferred from Orage to 3 and now both phones are active?

Help Desk: Sorry about that Mr Khan, let me check.

Help Desk: I can see that the system has made all the changes and you should now be on 3.

Muadh Khan: I have 2 phones here and they are both active on the same number!

Help Desk: Mr Khan, I have checked the system thoroughly and the activation has gone through.

Muadh Khan: I am telling you I have 2 phones, both active!

Help Desk: Mr Khan, can you hangup and dial from 3.

Muadh Khan: I am calling you from that phone!

Help Desk: Mr Khan, the system...

Muadh Khan: Forget the system, I have 2 phones on the same number...

Help Desk: Sir, let me do anotehr line check. Sir, the line check is successfull and the system says...

Muadh Khan: FORGET THE SYSTEM! Tell you what. I am calling you on the phone and is the number coming up on the screen?

Help Desk: Yes it is, Mr Khan

Muadh Khan: Stay connected and dial the same number from a second line.

Help Desk: But how will it work you are on the phone?

Muadh Khan: DO IT!

Help Desk: Ok..let me put you on hold and dial the same number.

Muadh Khan: (Phone rings), Yes this is me on the same number on a different phone on a different network!

Help Desk: I don't understand this Mr Khan, the system

Muadh Khan: FORGET THE SYSTEM! Can you see that we are on the same number on 2 phones on 2 networks?

Help Desk: I can escalate the call to our Technical support and they will ring you back.

Muadh Khan: P-L-E-A-S-E do that...

Scotland: Mr Khan, I am calling you from 3. I have ran a trace on your line and the final switch on your number may not have happened although the system says that it has clicked over.

Muadh Khan: OK. So what will you do?

Scotland:I will ask for a reset and please test in 48 hours and ring us back if you have any further problem. Actually I will ring you in 48 hours to check.

Muadh Khan: Thanks.

Orange Broadband:

Figured out the problem while holding on the line and being transferred from person to person.

Muadh Khan: Hi, My broadband is disconnecting intermittently and I have narrowed it down to the Microfilter.

Help Desk: Sorry about that Mr Khan, can I run through the diagnostics

Muadh Khan: Sure.

Help Desk: Sir you need to type in...

Muadh Khan: Do you want me to FTP into the Router?

Help Desk: Yes

Muadh Khan: Already done.

Help Desk: Sir, please look at the 3rd line...

Muadh Khan: Do you want the Authentication settings?

Help Desk: Yes

Muadh Khan: Blah Blah...

Help Desk: That seems to be ok.

Muadh Khan: Nothing wrong with that at all. I have also reset it

Help Desk: That's what we will do next, Sir. Can you go to the next scren and...

Muadh Khan: Do you want me to reset it?

Help Desk: Yes Sir.

Muadh Khan: Done it will take 3 minutes for it to reboot. What do you think about Rohit Sharma's 264 today?

Help Desk: Fantastic innings Sir but I don't know how it will help India in Australia.

Muadh Khan: I didn't see the game but how was the boundary sizes?

Help Desk: Smaller I think that's why it was easier (I think).

Muadh Khan: Reset done...

Help Desk: Can you dial on the homeline?

Muadh Khan: Broadband will get disconnected!

Help Desk: No we won't sir because...

Muadh Khan: The problem is with the Microfilter so it will get disconnected

Help Desk: I can assure you Sir that we won't.

Muadh Khan: (Sigh) OK..Dials and the the problem is still there...

Help Desk: I don't understand but I will escalate and someone will ring you back.

Eastern Europe: Mr Khan, I am calling you about your Broadband...

Muadh Khan: Yes, the issue is with the Microfilter.

Eastern Europe: How do you know that, Mr Khan?

Muadh Khan: I wasn't sure first but during calling Orange I realised it and tested and it is the Microfilter. If I had thought properly I wouldn't have called your helpdesk.

Eastern Europe: I am sending you a new Microfilter, Mr Khan

Muadh Khan: Cool. Thanks