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A family member wishes to marry a girl but there are many redflags what to do?

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#1 [Permalink] Posted on 20th November 2023 09:06

AssalamuAlaikum,

Firstly I would like to apologise as I am new to this website so forgive me if I am posting this in the wrong section. I tried to ask on Islamic Reddit pages but it was removed and I was guided here.

My brother (24yo) met an a girl on Islamic dating app. We live in London and she is from Turkey. He quickly became enamoured with her. At first we had good expectations for him as there was nothing off about it, and open to the idea. And within a few months he purchased a £££ engagement ring and went to meet her.
The first time he booked his trip to turkey, a week or two before he was due to leave the girl "suddenly" fell ill and advised him
not to come. It was unfortunate because now he lost out on the money he paid for the flights.
They continued their online relationship.
The girl often sent selfies of herself in the hijab and without hijab. But when my brother finally went to Turkey to meet her
in person she wore full burqa and niqab. Saying she can't reveal her face whilst alone with a man. My brother also
took this trip without informing the family and only told us when he returned that he had met her.

We were very upset with him, but as my mother can tend to be very overbearing he didn't want to deal with that when he was serious about this girl.
The girl was described to us as Jewish Revert to Islam and very religious so
we understood. She seemed even more religious and observant of rules than our own family so we immediately thought well of her and knowing she was a revert.
So we accepted she didn't feel comfortable showing her face. But ofcourse its questionable why sharing filtered pictured was okay?

It was only later that we discovered that this girl also does not speak english. And my brother communicates with her
completely through Google Translate, even in person.
When we try to tell him how wierd it is he says its not as wierd as some people think. For example plenty of
people marry people from back home who they can't fully communicate with and there's a language barrier.
Furthermore, on top of the ring he bought her we have suspicions he has been gifting her jewellery and money for
the duration of their online year relationship. She has also sent
him highly photoshopped/face-tuned pictures of herself and basically
catfished him. Although the images range from slightly filtered to incredibly filtered. And her hair is visible in these pictures despite being a hijabi...?

My mother has asked to face time this girl several times and she has always made an excuse e.g she is unwell.
One excuse was her brother's wife had just given birth so she couldn't. Although we failed to see how that could be
an issue?
The girl has never expressed interest in meeting or chatting with any of the family
either. My mother has been the one to ask but my brother has always waved it off when the girl has not been keen. She apparently works 7 days a week and is also poor so she doesnt have much time or money.

My mother asked my brother if she can come with him to Turkey on his next trip and he declined! (Although I assure you my brother doesn't do anything haram with this girl)
When he went to Turkey most recently he stayed for 4 days but the girl only
visited him for 2hours in those 4 days! citing her busy work schedule as an excuse.

When she came to visit him, she now did
not wear the hijab or burqa. When I pointed this out to my brother its almost as if it hadn't occurred to him. But later
he said its fine because they're engaged so he's allowed to see by her logic?
Although I'm fairly certain that isn't how it works in Islam.
One needs to actually be married to remove the hijab in front of a man.
We have ofcourse, in our opinion witnessed so many redflags at this point but my brother is insistent.

We tried to have a family intervention
and my brother refused. Saying he intends to marry her by
Spring 2024 and he does not wish to delay it any longer. And even worse he plans to live in the family home with her. WHEN NONE OF US HAVE EVEN MET OR APPROVED OF HER?

He isn't even financially stable enough to rent his own flat if he wants to commit to this redflag despite everyones concerns.

I would just like to know what the outside perspective on this relationship would be? Because it seems to not go through to his head that it is odd. It seems to me like, it is highly possible this girl is not as Islamic as she's posing and is recieving money and gifts from.my brother (when he in truth isnt even financially stable) and has hopes of recieving a VISA to come to London.

Any outside perspectives will help me talk some sense into him as none of our protests has worked... these are all surely signs of not a healthy foundation to a relationship and can only lead to trouble.

Jazak Allah Khairun.
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#2 [Permalink] Posted on 20th November 2023 09:57
WasSalaam sister.

As far as I know, there is no such thing as an Islamic dating app. Most, if not all such apps are not permitted.

Online relationships is the start of fitnah.

Firstly, your brother went online to find someone and then built a relationship on that. That's where he went wrong and for anyone to tell him now, it's a bit too late. Nevertheless, he needs to be constantly reminded that what he is doing is not permitted, cover your backs.

Secondly, this is a scam. You can find countless scams like this, almost identical and show them to him. People get lured in, there is a 2 way relationship, gifts shared and meetings setup after a lot of emotional trash has been exchanged. Once things start to look good, the end goal of the person abroad is to get a visa and residency to stay abroad. Then eventually take over everything, kick them out and call other family members over.

You can find multiple examples of this online.

Since the brother is blinded, it's not going to be easy unless he sees something with his own eyes, for example, he sees that the girl is also in a relationship with another person for the same reasons. But that would mean setting up a fake account and trying to trap someone based on an assumption :( or gather further stories of the same sort and show him that this is fake and he's falling for it.
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#3 [Permalink] Posted on 20th November 2023 11:46
Halo777 wrote:
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It is called a " Online Romance Scam". Catfishing was not even a term when this scam got invented.
Has been around for over 20 years.
Almost since the begining of the internet.

Like alot of online Scams the Nigerians were the first innovators.And they are still active.

Going all the way back to the 1990's, they would target women who were middle aged, unattractive, lonely, with a good income, send them photos, of attractive young men. Develop an online interaction then they would find out what type of personality the person they were scamming was looking for. And they would create a online persona to fit the criteria of the person they were scamming. Making themselves the perfect match.

Once that trust was established then
they would, start asking for money "mother was ill needed an operation" "need help with college fees" "need help to repay a loan otherwise they will be harmed". They would deplete these women of their bank accounts. And then seize all contact.

And prior to the internet , "Romance Scams" were done through classified adverts in Newspapers, and magazines. Those targetted were usually lonely men, there were even agencies that helped men find wives as far a field as Philipines and Russia. The term used was "Mail Order Brides".

ALLAH knows best if your brother is ineracting with one individual or a group working as a team.

If he just gets robbed of his wages, he will be fortunate. And if it is a "Visa Scam" then he will be in a far worse situation.

Your brother has been Psychologically manipulated, and it is hard to reason with people in that situation. Some people have to learn the hardway, he might have been interacting with more then one woman, the Burqa clad woman he met might be different to the woman he met without the Burqa.

If you google search "Romance Scam" you will find loads of articles on the subject.

Here is a fairly recent one from "Irish times".
www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/people/romance-scams-th...

As to how to convince your brother he is being scammed.
There is quote by American Author Mark Twain who said; " It is easier to fool a person, then to convince them they have been fooled".

Reason with him as best you can, and your mother needs to put her foot down. If he wants to marry this woman he needs to find his own place to live, under no circumstances allow her to move into your home.



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#4 [Permalink] Posted on 20th November 2023 11:48
I only read half of your post and this is a classic case of catfishing. Your brother need to think with his head and not with his Richard.
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#5 [Permalink] Posted on 20th November 2023 15:31
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