Nearly 20 years or so ago I heard a lecture, by Shaykh Hamza Yusuf he mentioned on how there is deep emphasis payed on the rights of the parents in our communities, but very little on the rights of Children and the importance of being Loving and Kind towards children is something that is alot of the times neglected or never mentioned, often times Parents completely oblivious to the fact that children also have rights.
Fast forward a generation later I came across an article posted by muslim blogger Wael Abdel Gawad on learning to deal with harsh and abusive parents,( I have posted the article and link below). I was left really stunned by the reaction the article generated in the comments section. There was shocking intensity of anger, rage and animosity from the youth who have been treated extremely harshly by their parents.
Parents who think that their stern methods of parenting devoid of any form of Love, Kindness and compassion is going to benefit their children. I have also seen such parents being abandoned in their old age...as they say you reap what you sow.
Many of these youngsters turn away from the Deen completely because of how they were treated.
If You Have an Abusive Parent, Learn to Value Yourself
By Wael Abdelgawad | IslamicSunrays.com
It would be nice if we all had loving and supportive parents. Some do, Alhamdulillah. To have kind, caring parents is a great gift.
But some have parents who are critical, demeaning and harsh. Do you have an abusive parent who tells you that you are worthless, stupid and good for nothing? If so, you can’t spend your life waiting and hoping for that parent to love you and be proud of you. It’s not going to happen, my friend. Most likely your parent was raised harshly himself/herself and doesn’t know how to act any other way. Accept that reality and learn to value yourself, no matter what anyone says.
You will have to be strong and independent in spirit. You will have to find validation of your worth within yourself. You do have worth, after all. You are as unique and beautiful as the sun and the moon, the sea and the stars. You are special and gifted and you will need to realize that on your own, even in the face of external abuse.
Seek your support from Allah.
“And We have certainly honored the children of Adam and carried them on the land and sea and provided for them of the good things and preferred them over much of what We have created…†– Quran, 17:70.
Allah has honored you. Dignity is your birthright. It’s okay if you’re not perfect. No one is. You can still love yourself, with all your special gifts and funny habits, and whatever is lacking, well, you can work on it. That’s what all of us do.
“I Know Who I Amâ€
It can be very hard to resist the negative labels that parents put on us. Nothing wounds like an insult from a parent. Their words have a way of worming into our brains even when we know better.
We must be patient with them without buying into their negativity.
This is not to say that parental abuse is acceptable. Not at all. Respect goes both ways. Parents have a duty to raise their children with kindness and love. If your parents are physically abusing you, then that’s a situation that you should try to get out of. Separate yourself from them if possible. Be safe, and know that they too will face God one day in judgment, and will be called to account for their deeds.
This article is focused more on the issue of verbal abuse. The truth is that even if you are accomplished, well behaved, and devoted, some parents will continue to abuse you verbally. Even if you have moved out, married and have children of your own, and only see your parents occasionally, they might continue to find fault with everything you do, and generally devalue you. I’m not saying it’s okay. I’m saying it’s an unfortunate reality with some parents, and you cannot allow it to define you.
Write some positive affirmations about yourself. Affirmations are true statements that express your best qualities, and also express what kind of person you strive to be. They represent the ideal you.
I personally have a list of 29 affirmations, and here’s number 12 on my list:
“12. I am a good son to my parents. I am patient and loving with them. When speaking to them I maintain a positive, independent and calm spirit, knowing who I am and confident in my choices.â€
Read your affirmations every day. Even if you don’t quite believe your own affirmations at times, even if you feel inwardly skeptical, keep reading them. When you speak to your parents, breathe deeply and slowly. Don’t let anything they say make you anxious or excited. Tell yourself silently, “I know who I am.â€
Allah loves you and has a plan for you. Believe this and move forward, and when you have children, shut down the cycle of negativity and do better than your parents did. It’s okay to be better than your parents. Any good parent wants their children to surpass them.
Show your own children patience, gentleness and endless love.
May Allah bless you and fill your heart with self-knowledge, self-dignity, and hope for the future.
Nothing is a better cure than Allah's dhikr. Create strong connection with masjid. Recite quran daily even if two pages. Tazkiyah of Nafs and intensive dhikr of Allah are the best medicine. Be strong.
To the Parents who are Reading this
When I was 13, I once thought if Islam doesn't have Children rights then I will leave Islam. Fortunately, Allah instilled this thought in me that Islam is a complete deen and there is something wrong with those who are not talking about children rights. Later on as my knowledge increased, my faith became strong by the grace of Allah.
Be warned! You will make your children atheists with your harsh and stupid treatment.
One tablighi scholar said, Indian system at 18 years gives voting rights. But in our society, parents treat him as child.
At 14, he is baalig, he is no more a child, he must be given power to offer his views on mashwarah related to family, his views must be honoured.
But, I am witness to parents openly slapping their son even after he is father of Two.
So, let us stop this here, let our future generations live with honour.
This cannot be undone and I am sure it will be greatly appreciated.
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