Domestic Violence and kids

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#31 [Permalink] Posted on 5th December 2014 23:22

What happens when family or friends try to help a woman leave?

Women may reach out to friends or family for help. When they do so, they can experience a variety of responses, ranging from the helpful to the utterly dangerous. However well-intended their help, friends or family may simply not know how to deal with the situation and may not be aware of the professional support and the legislative rights available.

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?secti...

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#32 [Permalink] Posted on 5th December 2014 23:28

A to Z of domestic violence fora

Women's Aid is very pleased to be able to publish our Directory of Multi-Agency Fora. The overall aim of this project is to support the development and sharing of good practice on violence against women initiatives, by encouraging networking and information sharing across England and Wales.

There are now over 150 multi-agency fora in England and Wales, in which police, social services, housing services, probation, health services, legal professionals, a range of voluntary agencies and, of course, Women's Aid, work together in local communities to tackle domestic violence.

please follow link below...
www.womensaid.org.uk/azfora.asp?section=000100010009&item...

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#33 [Permalink] Posted on 6th December 2014 00:12

My friend is experiencing domestic violence – what should I do?

If your friend is being open with you and acknowledging the violence, this is a positive sign. Try to keep the lines of communication open so that she doesn’t become more isolated. This is often a danger in an abusive situation. However, the decision to leave the relationship has to ultimately come from her and sometimes it can take women several attempts before they leave the relationship for good.

She may be feeling ashamed of what’s happening and feel as if she’s to blame for the violence. An abusive person will often tell the person they are hurting that it is their fault. Domestic violence is always the responsibility of the abuser. There’s nothing that your friend could do that would make it ok for him to abuse her.

Her self-esteem will probably be very low as a result of what has been happening. This can make her feel as if she wouldn’t be able to cope on her own. However, in reality she could probably cope a lot better than she thinks. If she wasn’t being abused she would be able to gradually build up her self-confidence and she would start to feel better about herself.

She may still love him and believe that he may change. This is often why women stay in abusive relationships for a long time. Unfortunately, unless he acknowledges that he has a problem and seeks professional help the abuse is likely to continue. It usually gets worse over time.

Talk to her about all of these things and try not to be judgemental if she isn’t ready to do anything yet. One of the best things that you can do is point her in the direction of some help. Of course it’s fantastic if you can be there to support her but it will also help both her and you if she contacts an organisation for practical and emotional support.

If she wants to leave she could think about accessing some emergency accommodation. There may be legal options she could pursue such as an injunction against him, or involving the police. She could also get in touch with a local domestic violence service for support, whether she wants to leave or to stay in the relationship.

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?secti...

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#34 [Permalink] Posted on 7th December 2014 11:42

I found this Q/A quite informative. InhsaAllah it is of help to someone. Some important points to consider before making a decision....Also some points to boost confidence and morale. Allah ta'ala help all those in such heart breaking and even dangerous situations.

Question
My husband slaps me so hard that he bruises me if he perceives my tone of voice as rude or sarcastic or if I make a small mistake. He also keeps threatening me and telling me that he will divorce me and turn me out of the house every time he gets angry. (Although I don?t think that I am sarcastic or rude , I think he perceives it that way to justify his bad behavior). Also he uses a harsh tone of voice to talk to me and he is ill mannered and unkind to me on a daily basis. He also says things like you are of bad character and that you have a boyfriend and tries to apply “bhautan” on me and uses abusive words like “haramzadi.”. I pray and I am a woman of good character, I clean, cook and do all the housework. He Is a hypocrite and he appears to be very religious in front of others and tries to quote hadiths to appear very knowledgeable and gets respect from people outside this way .He is very kind and good to other people out side the house but he is cruel and abusive towards me. What Does the Quran and Sunnah say about such behaviors. I want to know if I am justified in thinking that I should leave a man like this and take Khula? .

Answer
It most certainly hurts seeing another sister going through the pain of physical and verbal abuse and unhappiness. You sound as if your confidence and self-esteem is broken. From what you say is inflicted on you, is most certainly unacceptable in Islaam. In fact when Zulm (oppression) is inflicted on a person, your duas reach Allah Ta'ala above the heavens and your duas are surely answered even if not immediately.

However from the ayaats recited in the Nikah khutba (from the Quraan), strong warning is given to the believers to fear Allah and not to do things that would displease Him. Furthermore one of the ayaats instructs men “to treat the women with kindness” (exemplary character/good conduct).

However despite the instructions and warnings in the Quraan and Hadith, it is sad that man persists in disobedience to his Creator and harms the creation. May Allah forgive him and guide him.

Nevertheless, there are possible solutions.

Firstly assess your situation. Have you thought of possible options to stop the abuse? Say no? Protect your self? All with the intention of firmly stopping? not fighting back neither submitting and allowing out of fear? Try but ensure that you are near on exit to allow easy escape and inform some reliable neighbour, friend or family. Alternately seek intervention of a sound balanced just family member from your side to speak to someone on his side to jointly put a stop to the abuse and to build love, care and family bonding between you both. Seek intervention of a caring, rightly guided Aalim.

At the same time build your confidence by pondering on your beauty and positive qualities Allah Ta?ala has bestowed you with. Beautify yourself, indulge and spoil yourself to uplift your moods eg. Be it a new look (within something that you wanted pleasing to you etc.).

Become strong and believe you are good, smart and beautiful. Insha-Allah your husband would take interest in this new positive attitude and outlook.

Should all attempts fail perhaps seek temporary separation – not divorce with the intention of some elderly family member or Aalim. Try resolving and discussing with your husband possible options and solutions during this separation, to resolving your disputes with commitment.

However if you still consider divorce, look at long-term outcomes and feasibility. Would you manage? What is the need to separate? Would you manage financially? How would you manage? What about effects of divorce on the children? Was there ever a time that your husband was good to you and never beat you up? Is there then a possibility that he could change? Is he having an affair? Does he suffer from an inferiority complex? Or has he had a disturbing past or unfortunate experience? Was he beaten up as a child or learnt this habit from his father or other family members? Is there a financial problem?

After assessing all this perhaps with more information, further guidelines can be given.

And Allah knows best.

May Allah Ta'ala resolve your difficulties, grant you the great reward of Sabr that you have made and are making and grant you lifelong happiness in this world and the next.

You most certainly may contact us again. Jazakallah for your confidence in us.
and Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
2SOCIAL DEPT.
CHECKED AND APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai

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#35 [Permalink] Posted on 7th December 2014 14:24

Seems we are all for this in keystrokes but when it comes to reality, too many of us shy away. Rightly so too since nobody wants to put their own akhirah in jeopardy and most of us don't know what is and is not permissible to do when helping fellow Muslims out. And, perhaps more than a few of us are guilty of committing some form of zulm on others and we are acutely aware of this.

One thing hasn't gone unnoticed though: young boys and men - we're eager to help and to do so quickly; married women - we're eager to help and to do so by being there with a support network ready when the woman is ready to take the step; the elderly - we are eager to help; but young women or girls under the care of their fathers or other male mehrams (even if the girls are in their 20s and 30s) we are not so eager to step in and help, all voices (including keystrokes) go silent, people disappear.

Another thing that hasn't gone unnoticed: we are willing to provide advice and support so long as we are close enough (physically) to assist. Not everyone lives in areas with dense Muslim populations and not every densely populated Muslim area is willing to provide support. What then? If one of the functions of an online community is to draw the ummah closer to one another, then why the boundaries?

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#36 [Permalink] Posted on 7th December 2014 15:15

ummi taalib wrote:

I do believe you brothers are judging and generalising due to your clouded judgements which is a result of your "hazrat" hatred

Sister, if I wanted, I could name name's and would put thousands if not millions into shock. I ain't saying that these hazrats are guilty, so it ain't hazrat hatred at all.

Such men who use their molvi friends to help them out are two faced...... The sad thing is that I've heard of scenes where not only hazrat has been taken into, but also other top molvi's and mufti's who are popular have unfortunately listened to one side the story and make their conclusions because hazrat has also sided with him.

I just hope we actually get a member/guest who can give us the other side of the story, first hand! The absolute truth and show the reality of the responses from such hazrats.

By the way, your Q n A was good and even tried and tested. But unfortunately the man tends to get his pleasure from the changes and reverts back to his behaviour. It just goes round in a non stop 360 degrees. There's no starting point not any end point.

Men like these deserve capital punishment for breaking the laws of Islam, ruining the lives of women amd their children.

If it was up to me, I'd get them ....... again, to teach them a lesson.

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#37 [Permalink] Posted on 7th December 2014 16:05

We need to be educated on the proper adaab of offering assistance and for this we MUST turn to our scholars. There are instances of domestic abuse recorded in our history (particularly from non-Muslim family towards their Muslim family members) - how was it dealt with?

How was domestic abuse dealt with under non-Muslim governance? That is, how did Muslims deal with instances of abuse under non-Muslim rule; and, how did Muslims deal with Muslims who were subject to domestic abuse from their non-Muslim family members.

Many of us live in secular countries. We are to abide by the laws of the land but does this contradict with any Islamic obligations?

How was domestic abuse dealt with under Muslim governance? Can we utilize any of these methods while living under secular governments? If so, what is the best method of doing so?

Where children are taken away from such families, some countries try (at least they say they try) to find foster homes with similar religious, cultural and linguistic backgrounds... how many of us have registered to provide such care when needed?

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#38 [Permalink] Posted on 7th December 2014 16:05

Quote:

.I would say firstly, maybe 1% of these men would have a shaykh to begin with and secondly, as sister Taalibah says they would "suffer from self delusion, denial and split personality, and mental health issues" so i reckon they would be all sweet and nice and appear respectable to their families, friends, at work etc. and not just in front of their shaykh (if they have one)

true sister, I'm glad you accept that there is the possibility of such people. It's just a shame that even these minority people do exist and spoil it for the real men of Islam.

Fact is that such people DO have a shaykh and and they are like mice in front of them but at home they are the king of the jungle.

Question is, what to do now that you know they exist? What can be done?
do we deny that such people exist and exploit hazrats rep? Or do we accept and expose? Or remain silent because hazrat might get tarnished?

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#39 [Permalink] Posted on 7th December 2014 17:23

Brother ali: You know what? when you bros discuss things calmly, there is much to learn and many would benefit. Unfortunately in almost every topic for some time now there is a rant against ulama/mashaikh in one way or another. it benefits no one, creates animosity and bad feelings between members and gives sweeping, generalised statements about ALL Ulama/mashaikh and most probably puts off many silent readers from having any contact with them.

why should hazrats get tarnished since they are not at fault? How are they supposed to know the men are lying through their teeth? anyway why make it open on public forums? what good would that do? When anything needs to be pointed out to anyone in such cases i believe the correct way is to make then aware privately.

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#40 [Permalink] Posted on 7th December 2014 17:26

I quite like the points guest has made...and ive begun to think that we are in need of some guidelines put together by experts in this field who are Muslims as well on how we as ordinary people should to deal with situations where there is a victim of domestic violence. Some good points have already been made here and inshaAllah we could build on this

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#41 [Permalink] Posted on 7th December 2014 17:46

This isn't a Muslim or a non Muslim issue. This is not a religious issue. If it's necessary that the advise has to come from a Muslim than solace and nour can provide this to you through their services. Otherwise their training and understanding comes from non Muslim profession, which has nothing to do with religion. In fact even non Muslims are aware that Muslim men use religion, customs, traditions, etc to control and mental, verbally, physically abuse their families. This is nothing new to either the Muslim or non Muslim profession in this field.

Unfortunately they have been dealing with such issues for years. It's only recently that Alhumdulillah our communities are taking an interest and are becoming more aware.

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#42 [Permalink] Posted on 7th December 2014 17:59

Quote:

Brother ali: You know what? when you bros discuss things calmly, there is much to learn and many would benefit.[/quote]
When and where was I or others not calm?

Why is it that as soon as a weakness is pointed out, others get all defensive without even having the slightest idea of the reality.

Quote:

Unfortunately in almost every topic for some time now there is a rant against ulama/mashaikh in one way or another.

I think you are having problems understanding things. It's not mashaykh at fault. It's the followers! and unfortunately sister you are making yourself look like a sympathizer for these dweebs.

[quote]anyway why make it open on public forums? what good would that do?

How else will the truth come out?
It raises concerns!

People like yourself and many others like myself too need to be made aware of the reality of life and not just great lessons of the olden days. Things have changed BIG time.

Time for a reality check sister.

We're living in the 21st century regardless of country. Shariah was for the past, present and future so why can't we use it and why are we allowing others to exploit it?

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#43 [Permalink] Posted on 7th December 2014 18:58

Taalibah wrote:

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I realise its not a religious issue Taalibah. What i mean is that guidelines can be built from both religious and non religious experts. The training of these Muslim personnel comes from the experience and know how of non religious sources however they would surely keep the Islamic teachings in mind similar to Muslim and non Muslim counsellors.

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#44 [Permalink] Posted on 7th December 2014 19:30

Aapa, when someone visits a doctor, dentist, or a neurologist, is it necessary for the consultant or advisor (Muslim or non-Muslim) to have the necessary deeni knowledge in Islam to to able to provide the necessary support or advice required?

Without a doubt any specialist who is in contact with the public are fully aware of basic principles and beliefs. Especially specialists, counsellors and therapists, as they have been dealing with domestic violence cases for years amongst the general public aswell as the Muslim community.

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#45 [Permalink] Posted on 7th December 2014 19:52

Assalamua'laikum

Usually men become violent over wife or children (in general anyone who is weak) because of inferiority complex. They usually live a life where they feel that the society/wife/children may be looking them down. To prove that they are powerful, they behave this way. The wife/children who are getting tortured should see what the guy is always worried or bothered about and provide them with that. Like praising him, or being satisfied with what ever they have instead of putting demands etc… Like some one above wrote that the guy abuses his wife, when he finds her speaking sarcastically. It means this fellow has serious weaknesses and is always living under the threat that his wife may find them and over power him.

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