Domestic Violence and kids

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#61 [Permalink] Posted on 7th December 2014 23:24

A bit off topic again, and you might wonder what it has to do with this topic, but the same guest has given a nice lesson before:

Guest 218443 wrote:

knowledge and understanding are key, mashwarah and intention are also very important. Insha'Allah we can all guide each other to good and encourage perseverance especially when things don't appear to work out the way we think they should. Insha'Allah we can all guide each other to sabr and shukr despite the outcome.

So please don't assume that this topic is being thrown off track, it's all related.

Taken from, "Watering down of istikhara"

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As-Samani / kitab al-ansab.

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#62 [Permalink] Posted on 8th December 2014 08:45

Quote:

I don’t think that these issues are deliberate but a by-product of Hazrat-worship. Today’s Tassawuff means you MUST CONSIDER your Hazrat to be the GREATEST PERSON in the world.

He is the most knowledgeable

He is the most wise

He is the most able

He is the most intelligent

He is the most abl
[/quote]

[quote]When you ask Khala Ummi Talib & others for explanation they say, "We don't believe that at all we believe that he is the best for US”.

Once again, yes khala ummitaalib does disagree with your perception of the situation

1. Allah Most High is the most knowledgeable. Shaykh is knowledgeable in his field and may or may not be knowledgeable in other fields of deen or even worldly matters
2. Allah Most High is the Most Wise. Mashaykh are usually blessed with wisdom and far sightedness
3. Allah Most High is the Most Powerful. Able in what? He is a human prone to making mistakes
4. Intelligent. The most intelligent person is a Believer who recognises His Lord and worries for his aakhirah. He must be intelligent but not necessarily the most intelligent
5. Repeated

In this topic ALL that was required was the statement that in these cases Ulama/Mashaikh are not always the answer to which all of us are agreed. There was no need for anything further but as usual the "hazrats" and their mureeds and "hazrat worshipping" HAS to be brought in. A repitition of SF. The generalising is incredible! There are thousands of mureeds all over the world concerned with only their islah and regard the shaykh as a means of reaching Allah ta'ala. They do not (or hardly ever) consult shaykh for their house buying or business oir whatever, they obviously may mention it and ask for du'a. Now a FEW may have done what our very knowledgeable brother muadh says, and it becomes the norm for each and every mureed across the globe...and of course his followers will agree with everything he says...hmmm just like what we are being accused of! The irony of it..........

To brother ali, its not always the mureeds who are criticised. The mashaikh too are always at fault for one thing or another....and this is from observing comments of a good few years now.

Time for a reality check all round i reckon

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#63 [Permalink] Posted on 8th December 2014 08:57

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So (this concept) of Tassawuff actually means that people go to Hazrat for employment advice, house buying advice, car buying advice, marital advice, sex advice etc because they genuinely believe their Hazrat to be perfect.

I myself, most of my family and many friends are bay'at to one or another of the mashaikh. None I know consult their shaykh for the above mentioned reasons. I'm telling you this and i've said it before but you and your followers will simply not accept it yet I have to accept all the generalising you dish out. I think we all need to think where this is leading and how much benefit there is in all this constant bickering.

Please also note I always ANSWER to your (or other brothers') comments and Alhamdulillah never START these bickerings. What are we supposed to do? Sit back and let you malign the whole institution of tasawwuf? Do we not have enough of that from the salafis?

Yes a reality check is definitely needed....by ALL of us...we can all give a bit and work together for the benefit of ourselves and the ummah inshaAllah. We are fortunate for the opportunity of being able to do so where we can collate authentic material (and I'm saying with full acknowledgement on your experience and expertise in many subjects) and we can all contribute in various ways without discussions always going wrong...thread split and sent to never never land

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#64 [Permalink] Posted on 8th December 2014 11:06

This post has been reported. It could be due to breaking rules or something as simple as bad use of bbcodes which breaks the page format. We will attend to this soon.

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#65 [Permalink] Posted on 8th December 2014 11:19

Muadh_Khan wrote:

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i was waiting for this brother muadh...all done Alhamdulillah

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#66 [Permalink] Posted on 8th December 2014 12:43

Isnt it the teaching of Islam to consult from people of the relevant field?
if someone is going to ask a doctor about accounting key masail.. what is he going to say? what can he say?
But..if my mother is an engineer but I am having some health issues and I discuss that with her.. is that wrong? no.. she is an elder..A shaikh is someone very close... so people consult them in everything.. one can't say this is wrong because don't you discuss things with your dad? just because he is your dad?

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#67 [Permalink] Posted on 8th December 2014 13:58

Hazrat Muadh, I can understand your pain and distress at witnessing all the evils developed under the name of Tasawwuf. But blaming primarily "Hazratism" for domestic violence in the Muslim community seems - without being disrespectful - quite overshooting. I also hinted before towards the Hadith that even Rasulullah (sallallahu 'alayhi wasallam) admitted, that he could be deceived by deceptive argumentation. So, who's Shaykh XYZ to know all hidden secrets of his Mureed ABC? I get the main idea behind the newly coined term of "Hazratism", but it's usage and application ocassionally has become ridiculous and it's concept blurred to many...

To find real solutions to vices like domestic violence afflicting our communities, we Muslims will need to learn thinking out of the box! All we do currently is brainstorming on how to help victims of individual cases, but to eliminate or extinguish these despicable actions to a certain extent in our community it'll need firm dedication to grapple the problem at it's roots. It'll take at least a group of sincere, dedicated, professional Muslims who take it upon themselves to combat this vice on different levels, with a reasonable strategy. But I guess that's not our goal...

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#68 [Permalink] Posted on 8th December 2014 14:30

Ala Hazrat,

Nobody is blaming Hazrat-worship for domestic violence, where did you get that idea from?

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#69 [Permalink] Posted on 8th December 2014 14:47

Can we please stick to the current topic, was hoping this would be a beneficial thread that could aid others any which way possible. Please stick to the current topic or please start a new topic preferably in the debates section, before senior moderator decides to move this thread to the debates section.

Please post beneficial and helpful posts only on present topic, as it is getting side tracked.

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#70 [Permalink] Posted on 8th December 2014 14:47

Muadh_Khan wrote:

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lol No name calling plz (Ala Hazrat)... So, then the Hazrat discussion is quite unrelated to the original topic and you can consider my first paragraph as an misunderstanding about the purpose of your posts (maybe due to my weak English).

To elaborate on the second paragraph: Alhamdulillah, Muslim community in UK enjoys many rights, freedoms and bounties that Muslims in other European countries are still fighting for. And also many of those countries in comparison to the UK are in their baby shoes in regards of devoloping the identity and community of Muslims in the respective country. Muslims in UK don't need to worry too much anymore about establishing Masajid, Makatib, Madrassas, Darul Ulooms, Khanqahs, Halal meat shops etc. Now, all the dedication and effort that was needed to bring it thus far can be channeled towards a few social issues that might have been neglected. First step would be to create general awereness, that certain problems exist and what the Islamic point of view is on it. When the brilliant scholars are able to tour the UK in defense of Imam Abu Hanifa's honour, then why not for the honour of the mothers and sisters of our community? There are so many steps I can think of that could turn out quite fruitful, but at the end it depends on what is DONE and not what is said...

I shrinked the font as it may lead to further off topic discussion, but I just wanted to share this for those interested. Wallahu 'Alam...

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#71 [Permalink] Posted on 8th December 2014 14:49

Please only post relevant issues to the current topic, otherwise please start a new topic. Jazakumullah

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#72 [Permalink] Posted on 8th December 2014 15:38

I want snacks.... :/

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#73 [Permalink] Posted on 9th December 2014 09:36

Huda's story

As Huda slowly gained consciousness on the floor, she became aware of her surroundings. She felt the cold tile beneath her and the taste of blood in her mouth. The thundering sound of her husband, yelling and cursing at her, became disturbingly clear and his menacing image slowly came into focus. Fear filled her heart that he may strike again. Her trembling body felt so weak, helpless and vulnerable. He ruthlessly kicked her in her gut one last, fatal blow. Huda was pronounced dead later that evening along with her baby girl who had survived 6 months of brutality in the womb.

There are millions of desperate women like Huda who live their life in constant terror, feeling trapped and unworthy of love. Many of them suffer silently, too immobilized by fear and too consumed with shame to expose their husbands.

Domestic violence transcends socioeconomic status, affecting all levels of income, education, ethnicity, religion and occupation. This tragedy poisons our societies worldwide. The first simple and necessary step is awareness.

Shocking Statistics:

2,000 to 4,000 women are beaten to DEATH annually in the U.S.

According to the Center for Disease over 300,000 PREGNANT WOMEN report suffering abuse during pregnancy.

Every day, at least three women are killed in the U.S. by their partners.

Nearly 6 million women will be battered in any single year

Battery is the SINGLE MAJOR CAUSE of injury to women exceeding street rape, muggings or auto accidents

In the U.S., a woman’s chance of being assaulted at home by her partner is greater than those of a police officer being assaulted on the job.

Continued....

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#74 [Permalink] Posted on 9th December 2014 09:41

Domestic violence affects the psychological and emotional well being of a woman the way a tsunami brings colossal destruction and unparalleled devastation to a metropolitan city. The unpredictability and dangerous nature of men who abuse their wives creates terror, anxiety and depression in women, the way a storm indiscriminately destroys without warning; leaving inhabitants in a state of shock and constant fear. The deep, emotional scars last much longer than the superficial bruises and broken bones that usually demand our attention and provoke our sympathy. The emotional debris will take years to completely be cleared causing emotional bankruptcy and vulnerability which can lead to suicide. The ferocious waves of violence cause a series of long lasting, psychological damages:

Depression

Domestic violence floods women with feelings of sadness, hopelessness and despair which generally lead to depression. 60% of battered women reported having depression which is the most common symptom of domestic violence.3 Depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer. Sadness affects every aspect of life: thoughts, feelings, sleeping, eating, physical health, relationships and the ability to function at work. When victims experience interpersonal violence from a spouse or family member, they are at high risk for mental and emotional illnesses. There is a strong feeling of abandonment, betrayal and instability when they are abused by someone who should be protecting and nurturing them.

Although it is natural to feel sad when faced with difficult tests, but as a believer it is critical to understand that there is wisdom in everything that happens. Understanding and accepting divine destiny does not mean tolerating abuse by any means. It simply means that life is filled with tests and that trust needs to be placed in Allah while searching for the right solutions.

It was narrated by Suhayb that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “How amazing is the condition of the believer, for all his affairs are good. If something good happens to him, he gives thanks for it and he is rewarded; if something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience, and he is also awarded.” Narrated by Muslim (2999).

Do not despair of solace from Allah. No one despairs of solace from Allah except for people who do not believe. (Surah Yusuf 87)

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

After the devastation of domestic violence, most women experience the aftershock of abuse: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD is a type of anxiety disorder which can occur after you’ve seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death. It is very common for victims of domestic violence to continue to fear their spouse even if they have separated. PTSD is characterized by symptoms such as flashbacks, intrusive imagery, nightmares, anxiety, emotional numbing, insomnia, hyper-vigilance and avoidance of traumatic triggers. There are many factors that affect the intensity of PTSD: severity of the violence, the duration of exposure, early-age onset and the victim’s cognitive assessment of the violence (perceived degree of threat, predictability and control-ability).

The way to cope with any form of anxiety is turning to Allah and trusting His plan while striving hard to overcome the fear.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “No exhaustion, pain, anxiety, grief, harm or distress befalls a Muslim, not even a thorn that pricks him, but Allah will expiate some of his sins with them.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5318) and Muslim (2573).

Anxiety

Fear and anxiety consume a victim of domestic violence the way a tidal wave engulfs a city. The fear lingers in a woman’s psyche long after the abuse has taken place. This anxiety can prevent her from concentrating, falling asleep and performing at home or work. Paranoia and inability to trust others are the most frequent traits of the victims of domestic violence. 25 million Americans suffer from anxiety disorders which are the most common of emotional disorders. Some of the symptoms may include:

Overwhelming feelings of panic and fear
Uncontrollable obsessive thoughts
Painful, intrusive memories
Recurring nightmares
Physical symptoms such as feeling sick to your stomach, “butterflies” in your stomach, heart pounding, startling easily and muscle tension
The most beloved people, the prophets, were tested the most. It is essential to keep the stories of the prophets in mind and recall that instead of feeling anxious when faced with threat, oppression and harm, they put their trust in Allah.

وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ
We will test you with a certain amount of fear and hunger and loss of wealth and life and fruits. But give good news to the steadfast (Surat al-Baqara, 155)

الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَتَطْمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُم بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ ۗ أَلَا بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ
“Those who believe, and whose hearts find satisfaction in the remembrance of Allah: Without a doubt in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find satisfaction. (Al-Raad 28)

Low Self-Esteem

Verbal and emotional abuse are like earthquakes that brutally shake the foundation of a woman’s self-esteem. They shatter her self- confidence, tear down her sense of security and destroy her self-respect . Each degrading remark, criticism and profanity is like a bulldozer that vehemently annihilates her sense of self-worth. The deep, emotional and psychological scars that are burned into her heart from the cursing, name-calling and humiliation will disable her from achieving her potentials, nurturing her children and attaining peace. She becomes so crippled emotionally that it is next to impossible to leave.

Suicidal

Like the victims of natural disasters that discover they have nothing left to live for, victims of domestic violence feel so overwhelmed with grief and hopelessness that many attempt suicide. The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that many victims fall prey to has a profoundly undermining effect on their mental and emotional wellbeing. 4 Many times these women simply give up on life and they experience learned helplessness where they lose the will to live. Here are some of the signs of suicide contemplation:

Talking about killing or harming one’s self

Expressing strong feelings of hopelessness or being trapped
An unusual preoccupation with death or dying

Acting recklessly, as if they have a death wish (e.g. speeding through red lights)

Calling or visiting people to say goodbye

Getting affairs in order (giving away prized possessions, tying up loose ends)

Saying things like “Everyone would be better off without me” or “I want out.”

If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, express your concern and seek professional help immediately. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life. 6

See Suicide Prevention: Signs of Suicide and How to Help a Suicidal Person.

The problems and difficulties that people endure are known and for a temporary period of time. Compare that to being faced with the unknown punishment in the hereafter for committing suicide for all eternity.

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لَا تَأْكُلُوا أَمْوَالَكُم بَيْنَكُم بِالْبَاطِلِ إِلَّا أَن تَكُونَ تِجَارَةً عَن تَرَاضٍ مِّنكُمْ ۚ وَلَا تَقْتُلُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ بِكُمْ رَحِيمًا
O you who have believed, do not consume one another’s wealth unjustly but only [in lawful] business by mutual consent. And do not kill yourselves [or one another]. Indeed, Allah is to you ever Merciful. 4:29

After a psychological tsunami that ruthlessly destroys feelings of self-worth and security, there needs to be massive action taken to recover from the lasting damages. The first step is to clean up the emotional debris and the shattered feelings. Time and money needs to be invested to reestablish self-worth. If the amount of damage is overwhelming, seek the support and guidance of professionals to overcome the devastation. Next, focused effort needs to be put in rebuilding self-esteem. By not internalizing the negative, destructive comments of others and reconfirming all positive traits, self-respect and dignity will be rebuilt. Trust in the self and in others will be essential in creating a strong foundation for developing lasting relationships. Perhaps the most important aspect of recovery is to gain hope in the future. Once the fire of hope is ignited it will shine so brightly and provide the necessary motivation to overcome all obstacles and to help others facing the same challenges.

If you or someone you know is a VICTIM of abuse know:

You are NOT ALONE
There are avenues for HELP
Ensure the SAFETY of you and your children
You are a VALUABLE person who is worthy of love
It is NEVER ACCEPTABLE to be physically, verbally or emotionally abused
Narrated Abu Ma’bad, that the Prophet said, “… and be afraid of the supplication of an oppressed person because there is no screen between his invocation and Allah.” Sahih Bukhari: Volume 2, Book 24, Number 573.

If you or someone you know is the ABUSER:

Seek professional help to MANAGE YOUR ANGER

It is not too late to CHANGE YOURSELF and CHANGE YOUR LIFE

Find an OUTLET (sport or other activity) to release stress and frustration

Seek the SUPPORT of family and friends

REAL MEN DON’T ABUSE!
“Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is oppressed.” The Prophet was asked: “It is right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?” He replied: “By preventing him from oppressing others.” Sahih Bukhari, Volume 3, Hadith 624

In Islam, Prophet Mohammad (peace and prayer upon him) taught us to live with impeccable character and to treat our spouse with kindness, compassion and understanding. He said that the best man is he who is best to his wife. We should all aspire to live by his exceptional example.

By: Haleh Banani, MA Clinical Psychology

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#75 [Permalink] Posted on 11th December 2014 12:49

Tabah Foundation

Alternative Dispute Resolution: Arbitration & Mediation in non-Muslim Regions

Alternative Dispute Resolution: Arbitration & Mediation in non-Muslim Regions
Shari‘ah-based personal dispute resolution for Muslims living in non-Muslim regions.

Dispute resolution remains a difficult issue for Muslims living in non-Muslim regions. While Muslims within Muslim regions do usually have access to Shari‘ah-based personal dispute resolution through settlement in court by an appointed judge (qāḍī) whose judgments are binding and enforceable, the absence of such judges in non-Muslim regions leaves Muslims residing in such lands without this option. The problem is augmented by the widespread belief that an Islamic state’s courts are the only acceptable means by which to obtain binding dispute resolution for Muslim litigants. The current state of affairs is particularly harmful to Muslim wives in abusive marriages, since it leaves them no means within the Shari‘ah to rectify their situation.

This Analytic Brief will show that the classical schools of Islamic Law provide other options relevant to the current situation. The first part of this Brief will introduce the various models for personal dispute resolution which are covered in classical Islamic law. The second part of this Brief will then discuss the applicability of each model and present a possible strategy for their application in a manner that respects and is harmonious with both the Shari‘ah and the legal environment of Muslims living in non-Muslim regions. The Brief will close by demonstrating how these models might be applied to the problem of Muslim wives caught in abusive marriages.

===

The brief is available in both English and Arabic. Please visit the website (tabahfoundation dot org) for more.

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