Personal advice from an unmarried brother to other unmarried brothers n sisters

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#1 [Permalink] Posted on 20th January 2015 09:34

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My personal advice to unmarried brothers and sisters based on observation of common problems and advice of ulema:

- No matter how frustrated you feel towards your parents for delaying your marriage (for various reasons), for being too choosy, for not preferring deen over other matters etc., do NOT misbehave with them or backbite them unlawfully on social media or among friends. Instead serve them with humility and respect and hold back your tongue because serving parents is fard e ayn and obeying them (in permissible matters) is better than disobeying.
This is especially true for people whose parents are dependent upon them physically or financially (or even emotionally).
I know of a brother who pestered and tormented his parents over marriage and is still unmarried. what did he earn besides sin? In Sha Allah there will be great reward for your patience with your parents. Never forget this rule.

- Constantly work on improving your relation with Allah (SWT) through improving your concentration in Salah, increase in dhikr, tilawat, dua, sadaqah, istighfar and shunning sins completely. However, do NOT do these things just for sake of marriage, do it because gaining taqwa is fard while marriage isn't fard (normally). You may live out your life unmarried and earn jannah due to piety but you wont earn jannah if you remained married yet never achieved piety. so put things in perspective.
Marriage isn't going to solve all your problems automatically you will require taqwa at all times. Imagine being married to someone you hate, to someone not religious or imagine your parents hating your spouse, your kids dying etc. what will you do then? what will preserve your emaan in such grief?

- Do NOT emotionally blackmail your parents by appearing overly sorrowful and losing all control of your emotions just to show them how much you 'need' marriage. this is going to only make your parents worried and this is wrong. instead convey your demands and frustration to them in a polite and mature manner.

- Do not be too choosy. remember that nobody is perfect and some people may have many flaws on outside but few on inside (and vice versa). instead, do istikhara and have FAITH that whatever decision you will now take (after doing mashwara with pious and wise people) will be right for your deen and dunya. i know of a hijabi sister who throws away her hijab in her university and her dad doesnt know that. however that doesnt mean you marry any tom and harry out there. rather look for those who love Islam and do not be too harsh in judging their practice. They have great chance of improving bi'idhnillah.

- Do not pay too much attention to facebook life events. It is Allah's will He gives to those He wishes. If you cannot be happy for your friends at least make dua for their happiness and in sha Allah you will see a positive change in your heart.

- Alongside Istikhara do mashwara with people who fear Allah and are wise. Don't do mashwara with emotional religious people, or with people who appear religious but you see them doing sin openly and repeatedly despite you giving dawah to them. There is a good chance such a person lacks taqwa who doesnt heed naseeha.

- Don't take your problems on social media. Take your problems to Allah and with your parents and trustworthy, pious, wise friends. Do not create hue and cry that you aren't married. Most people don't even care.

- Don't be put off by anti-wife, anti-marriage posts on facebook by loser husbands who can't handle their wives and/or miss their bachelor freedom. they are being ungrateful to Allah. Always remember the hadiths about the virtues of marriage and make dua for them and yourself. Don't be put off by married sister's bad experiences which they share on social media pages' comments. Make dua for them and yourself and in sha Allah you will be fine.

- Do not harbour ill will towards the other gender. Many unmarried brothers claim to hate most women, and vice versa. For men it is because women dress cheaply in general and even many religious sisters dress to look pretty not knowing their stylish niqab affects us men adversely. similarly many women see cheap ill-mannered men and get depressed that decent gentlemen do not exist anymore.
Again, remember the virtues of marriage in ahadith and make dua for these people who are fitna for you.

- Try and improve your habits and character while unmarried. The better person you are, the better the chances that you will bring out the good side of your spouse. But improve your character and habits for sake of Allah (SWT) and with the intention of pleasing your future spouse for which there is reward.

- Do not feel sorry for yourself. Remember that it is Allah's will that you aren't married. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or you are being punished for your sins (as a necessity). Sheikh ul Islam ibn taymiyyah (rh), Imam Nawwawi (rh) never married (reportedly).were they bad people?

- Don't feel sad that you couldnt marry young (for those who arent exactly young). At least you tried...and that will count with Allah (SWT) in sha Allah.

- The biggest fear for some: what if I never get married?
Simple answer: so what? As i said marriage isn't fard (normally) so quit treating it that way as though achieving it is a necessary part of your emaan. You should seek solace in salah and dhikr and thank Allah you have emaan. So many people leave Islam but you have not. What could be a more greater gift? Imagine living an eternity in Hell (naudhubillahi min dhaalik).

- Quit reading gooey fantasy tales or real-life tales about marriage all the time if being unmarried is causing psychological damage to you. Unlike such pages devoted to marriage. Devote your time to improve your Salah and you will see that your heart is at peace.

- Never feel jealous of married couples; as per the meaning of hadith it devours good deeds just like fire devours fuel. Imagine having to spend centuries in Hell because you gave away many of your good deeds by being jealous. Instead make dua for couples and your heart will be at peace iA.

- Do not look at your secular friends who act cool about marriage and claim they aren't ready yet. Don't feel you are weak because they act cool. The reality isn't that they have strong control over their nafs, the reality is self-gratification, girlfriend/boyfriends and pornography.

- Do not hate yourself for feeling worried about not being married. Look at why you want to get married. Is it because everyone else is and you just want to be accepted in society as one of the club? or is it because you want to preserve your deen? if it is former then you need to improve your relation with Allah (SWT) and if it is the latter then it is OKAY to worry. This is good. you are worried for your deen. Just don't worry too much and start committing sins as a result.

- Do not look for a future spouse yourself on the internet. Chatting with na mahram is haram. (The exceptions do NOT include looking for religious spouse because parents aren't listening.) Nothing good ever comes out of haram. Even if you get married to this person the sin will remain and Allah forbid it carried on to your marriage. so dont think that let me be married even if i sin and i will repent later. This is sheer arrogance.

- Recently the topic was raised that should one marry when they are ready or when they are lonely? i belong to the school that says its okay to marry when you are lonely. the main thing is that this shouldn't be the BIGGEST reason. the biggest reason should be that you want to preserve your deen. as for being ready, well you learn things along the way. But it is better to prepare yourself.

I hope I have covered many major points. in sha Allah I hope this would be of benefit to someone. Please keep me, yourself, our parents and the ummah in your duas.

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#2 [Permalink] Posted on 20th January 2015 10:06

1) Join a seriously tough Martial Arts or Sports program where you get your ASS KICKED every week black and blue. Run circuits until you puke on the floor, get up wipe the vomit from your face and start again!
2) Don't be alone

and you will forget about this.

Friend of mine played Badminton for Team Britain. At 17 he went to train in London and the Coach placed 4 Buckets at 4 corners of the court and said "When you puke (and you will) DO NOT dirty my court!"

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#3 [Permalink] Posted on 20th January 2015 14:49

Muadh_Khan wrote:

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Sounds like a recipe for developing rhabdomyolysis, the Crossfit extreme circuit training system has come in for a lot of criticism, due to many cases of people developing rhabdo.

Exercise might be good for unmarried people but like everything else in moderation, certainly should not be done to excess were you start puking.

All similar acts of foolish Male bravado should be avoided, such as lifting heavy weights that are beyond your capacity, leaving a permanently damaged back. Having a competition to see who can eat food with the most chillies leaving a permanently damaged gut. Who can drink the most fluid in the shortest space of time etc. Whatsmore for those who have never done a Martial Art. In real life you will not be able to defeat 20 opponents at the same time that only happens in the movies.

If you wanna do excess then read twenty books in a week, or 20,000 Zikr in a day something that will enrich and expand the mind.

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#4 [Permalink] Posted on 20th January 2015 15:16

Abdur Rahman ibn Awf wrote:

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Didn't recommend weight lifting anywhere.

Jzk

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#5 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd January 2015 10:50

some more points to add

- how to know you are trying too hard to get married?

1. your happiness solely depends upon whether an exciting rishta is succeeding or not. it does not depend upon the quality of your Salah which was the coolness of the Prophet (PBUH)'s eyes.

2. you hate your parents (for 'delaying' your marriage or other reasons related to marriage) and do not find it in you to pray for them or serve them and (as in some extreme cases) waiting for them to die!

3. you have suicidal thoughts thinking that if you kill yourself you will punish your parents (ma'adh Allah).

4. you are questioning Allah (ma'adh Allah) for delaying your marriage because 'you deserve being married happily'.

5. you are trying to practice Islam just so Allah (SWT) can be pleased with you and grant you a spouse. It's not because you want to earn Allah (SWT)'s pleasure and preserve your deen (though you lie to yourself that this is why you are getting married) and akhira. Evidence: as soon as things become 'great' in a proposal and things start moving forward your practice decreases.
you have no thought about the Hereafter but just think about how amazing your married life would be.

6. you want to punish your parents by saying you will never get married just so they can 'feel your pain'.

All of these stem from the fact that you are not paying attention to your relationship with Allah SWT and 'just want to get married'. You are not focusing in your Salah as is required and are not consistent in tilawah and dhikr and leaving off sins.

My advice would be to rectify above mentioned mistakes and give sadaqah and be extra nice to your parents. not so that they can be happy with you and marry you but because you want to fulfill your fard as an offspring of serving your parents.

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#6 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd January 2015 10:50

Your aim should be to be CHASTE and not JUST 'married'. Marriage is one of the ways of attaining chastity. do not stop trying to get married. I know it is hard to preserve your chastity while being unmarried but it's not impossible and you have other faraidh too like being dutiful towards your parents and attaining taqwa.do not give up any of these faraidh ever and remember that it is Allah's will that you are still unmarried and if you have done istikhara then this is to preserve your deen at the moment. The reality of these words will not hit you unless you better your practice in sha Allah.

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Personal advice from an unmarried brother to other unmarried brothers n sisters

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