Premarital Questions

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#31 [Permalink] Posted on 22nd May 2021 14:47

Sister one found her ex herself and then got approval from family. She was impressed by his personality and attitude that was apparent. He was an orphan raised by uncles and aunts. It seems like they thought marriage would fix his illness.

Sister two has been given this proposal through some friends of the father who are Mufti friends. But the father can get impressed by anyone. She can't trust his choice.

The sisters really don't know how to judge someone and make a decision without knowing anything.

Both sisters have been close to suicide. One for the betrayal, the other from ill treatment and breach of trust too.

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#32 [Permalink] Posted on 22nd May 2021 18:54

The questions asked in op are mostly relevant in countries where there is less Islam.

Could anyone put forward questions they think can be asked via a middle person for the bride and groom to be.

I think we should look at reality in terms of customs, living arrangements, accomodation, people of the household, compatibility, own home, work, siblings, in-laws, education, working, in house responsibilities, sacrifices, second wife, children, jamaat and so on.

Please also share your feelings or concerns you may have for vulnerable sisters who marry into the unknown.

Jzk

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#33 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd May 2021 02:38

We have two cases in our immediate family where well educated and very intelligent women were married off to men who are comparatively less mature mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

The women faced hardships initially, but with Allah's grace, things have settled now. One married two decades ago, the other married a decade ago.

In both cases, the groom was chosen by elder women folk in the family, with some hesitation from the fathers of the women.

Both grooms were otherwise good fits from the perspective of kufu, in that they were sons of aunts of the women, so were of similar cultural, family, and financial backgrounds. Education and intelligence were the only two factors where the women overtook the men.

The upside to this has been that the women have been able to raise their children in a more deeni environment at home (no TV, no free mixing, no music) without much interference from the fathers, even vetoing the fathers' more frugal options for educating their children.

So, in summary, I'd have to say that marriages within kufu tend to work out, even when the women are more highly educated and competent.

PS: Both women have always been emotionally very strong, which probably helped them overcome the imbalance in their marriages.

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#34 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd May 2021 08:14

abu mohammed wrote:

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Found this on a Pakistani site.

7706-50SampleQuestionsToAskBeforeMarriage-15552009

Downloads: 150

[133.94 kB]

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#35 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd May 2021 09:31

khalidiqbal wrote:

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MashaAllah, this is helpful and JazakAllahu Khairan for sharing your input.

I'd appreciate if we could more input from others as we are short of time.

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#36 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd May 2021 09:50

bint e aisha wrote:

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This is great, I didn't think these things are asked in Pakistan to such an extent.

I was searching yesterday too, but I could only find identical questions to what I've already posted. I also came across an Indian website but that turned out to be useless and unislamic. It was for Hindu's.

Sister, do you think these questions even get asked in India Pakistan and so on? I need someone to help this sister understand how she can ask them.

What would they do, ask them directly, get their siblings or relative to ask, or print them out and get it passed on? This would be interesting.

I'm not sure what to advise or how she can go about getting these things known.

Could she write specific questions down on paper and ask for answers back in writing? Do these things actually happen?

Or perhaps she could write her concerns or questions and put her answers down and ask for his answers, or would her answers provoke a different reaction from the guy. Maybe I should tell the sister not to give her answers until she's received hers :)

Or if the sibling could secretly record the conversation on a mobile, would that be permitted?

I'm not sure how things progress over seas. In the UK unfortunately, many boundaries are crossed and many engagements last more than a year and in this time, they get to chat with each other, know each other better. Get to understand each other and then either happily marry or break up :(

Too many Islamic rules are broken.

Whilst on the other hand, some get engaged and married within weeks. Then they start to know each other and learn about each other. But prior to the engagement, they try and find out what they can. My question is how can they investigate this.

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#37 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd May 2021 09:54

It is evident from some of the earlier replies to this topic, that some people are wondering whether it will be appropriate for a man or woman to ask so many questions from a potential spouse and then imagining the common scenarios such as in front of other family members etc.

The simple answer is that these can be, and should be, asked via email or paper, through a middle person be that a scholar or some other trusted person. The responses to some of these questions would anyway require some thought and not something that one can answer straight away verbally.

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#38 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd May 2021 10:12

abu mohammed wrote:

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No, I've never seen anyone in Pakistan asking these questions.

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#39 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd May 2021 11:08

abu mohammed wrote:

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These questions sound tough. You just going to end up with pre rehearsed answers like job interviews.

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#40 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd May 2021 11:20

Rajab wrote:

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It's true.

But they can be asked formally whilst just talking I guess. Of course not all of them.

If I was to advise any of these questions, I'd expect instant responses. Not time to reflect and compose a perfect answer.

Spontaneous reactions often draw the clearest image, whilst on the other hand this could backfire.

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#41 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd May 2021 11:51

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abu mohammed wrote:

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This works only if potential spouses meet. In many places talking or even seeing is not allowed so this would not work.

I feel too many questions can be quite off putting especially if sent through a third party.
Choosing a few questions wisely can ba more productive than asking a long list of questions like:

-what are your expectations from your spouse..which can reveal quite a lot - like the man wants a homely type of wife who does not work and is at home to look after needs of the husband and children and maybeelderly parents or one who works and helps support a good lifestyle, etc.

-relationship with their parents and siblings (which revelas if the person gets along with family members)

-a question on deeni and worldly goals - which will tell which way they are more inclined and if suitable to one's own goals

But this is my own take on this subject. Nowadays I believe girls and boys have a long list prepared and spend hours talking over them...and in the end its a "no" mostly because there are too mnay expectations and even demands.

Best way is to make Istikharah and even salatul haajat for Allah ta'ala knows who is best for a person, try to find out basic things and then rely on Allah ta'ala Who will guide

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#42 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd May 2021 16:36

Sayyiduna Abu Hurayrah (radiyallahu’anhu) reports that Rasulullah (sallallahu’alayhi wasallam) said,

“If someone proposes whose religion (piety) and character is pleasing then get him married. If you do not do so, there will be chaos on the earth.”

If someone is apparently on the Deen and his character is also apparently good, should sisters base their decision on the apparent OR do they have to investigate further? If it is latter then what is the feasible method to determine how they are on the inside?

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#43 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd May 2021 17:14

bint e aisha wrote:

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Can any investigation, whether through face to face questioning or through others, truly reveal a person's true character?
Reliance on Allah ta'ala after istikhrah and du'a is absolutely essential and then whatever comes is taqdeer and its from Allah ta'ala as a test. As in everything we can but have hope and make du'a for ease and aafiyah and safety from tests and trials

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#44 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd May 2021 17:27

ummi taalib wrote:

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Good question from the sister, which is exactly what I've been told to help with.

Your advise is perfect InshaAllah.

One of my favourite Hadith

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#45 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd May 2021 18:42

bint e aisha wrote:

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Investigate further. Too many wolves in sheep's clothing. This equally applies to men when searching for a wife.

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