Premarital Questions

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#16 [Permalink] Posted on 27th March 2012 22:54

Jazakallahu khair for showing your likes and dislikes. As long as the message of the Ulama who believe this to be a good idea, then I shall promote it.

Jazakallahu khair.

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#17 [Permalink] Posted on 19th February 2021 12:12

Is a woman allowed to ask these questions to a man directly?

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#18 [Permalink] Posted on 19th February 2021 12:36

This is probably more likely in Western societies, where the extended family (aunts, uncles) does not have as much influence in deciding a partner as they do in the subcontinent, which is probably why so many questions might need to be asked.

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#19 [Permalink] Posted on 19th February 2021 13:57

abuzayd2k wrote:

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Western or Eastern, my question is: is it allowed or not?

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#20 [Permalink] Posted on 19th February 2021 14:23

bint e aisha wrote:

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Better to be done with a third party shariah compliant way.

@abuzayd, not all these questions need to be asked. Look at those which you think are important to the individual and at least ask those. It's common sense.

I sent these to a divorcee and now about to get married again, and Alhumdulillah, they found it very useful. In fact, some of the questions are so important that they didn't even think about them before and had given them a whole new look to life going further.

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#21 [Permalink] Posted on 19th February 2021 14:29

abu mohammed wrote:

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Ok. I have another question as well. If a guy does not have a beard, is it a good enough reason to reject his proposal?

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#22 [Permalink] Posted on 19th February 2021 14:37

bint e aisha wrote:

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Yes would be my instant response because the beard is Wajib.

And if my youngest son ever saw him, he'd tell him in his face that he is a woman :) or that he doesn't love the prophet (saw)

If he won't practice a Wajib act, Allah knows what else will be neglected.

See the "Once upon a beard" thread for inspiration.

I was told to shave when I was single and looking for work when I was young because no one would want to marry me or give me a job according to family advise (facepalm) and my reply was silencing Alhumdulillah.

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#23 [Permalink] Posted on 19th February 2021 15:50

No, someone not wearing a beard is not an automatic rejection.

There are men who do not wear a beard, but are ashamed of not wearing one. Such a person is much more likely to grow in his deen as he goes forward. When you ask them about not having a beard, they will not get defensive, but answer apologetically.

What you might want to stay away from is someone who doesn't wear a beard, and also displays contempt for the sunnah. There will be a lot of friction, with one partner putting down the other for being practicing.

Also, there are some men who wear a beard, but also look down upon those who do not wear a beard. If you're a dominant personality, this will also not be a good match. So, if you are struggling with some aspect of deen and they've got it taken care of, their attitude will be more hurtful than helpful.

Then finally there is the rarest of the breed -- someone who wears a beard, but also does not look down upon those who do not wear a beard. If you find someone like that, that's a keeper. The way you can recognize someone like that is when they talk about someone who is not outwardly sunnah compliant, they will still talk about their other good qualities (such as earning a halal living, being polite, not backbiting, and so on.)

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#24 [Permalink] Posted on 19th February 2021 16:01

bint e aisha wrote:

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If parents are trying force their daughters into such a marriage, the daughter can say that today he's removed his hijab, tomorrow he will tell me to remove my hijab!

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#25 [Permalink] Posted on 19th February 2021 17:20

Quote:

No, someone not wearing a beard is not an automatic reject.

Agree a bit with this and I'm sure bro AM will too. AM's response would be an instant response, in other words, a gut reaction.

So ask him if he will grow his beard or not.

Quote:

There are men who do not wear a beard, but are ashamed of not wearing one.

like those men who are Muslim but are ashamed of being seen as one. They go round calling them selves Ed or Mo instead of MuhammEd.

Quote:

When you ask them about not having a beard, they will not get defensive, but answer apologetically.

I'm sorry but I don't pray my witr, it's only a wajib act.
I don't do Sunnah acts, it's not compulsory. I'm sorry :(

Quote:

Then finally there is the rarest of the breed -- someone who wears a beard, but also does not look down upon those who do not wear a beard. If you find someone like that, that's a keeper.

so the prophet was wrong to turn his face from the guy with a mustache? Even our elders would turn their faces from these intentionally beardless woMEN.

Quote:

The way you can recognize someone like that is that when they talk about someone who is not outwardly sunnah compliant, they will still talk about their other good qualities (such as earning a halal living, being polite, not backbiting, and so on.)

so you mean be selective in which Sunnah acts we should follow.

Come on man!

If you want to give advise, let it be fully Islamic and not politically correct or downgrade any Sunnah.

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#26 [Permalink] Posted on 19th February 2021 18:38

I'm actually paraphrasing what ulama and mashaikh advise in the cultural setting of the Subcontinent. Since the respected sister is from the Subcontinent, i thought it would make sense to relay that to her.

The situation in the West is obviously different, so i can understand why you might find the post strange.

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#27 [Permalink] Posted on 19th February 2021 19:36

Check if his elder brothers and father have a sunnah beard. If yes, he's likely to keep one in few years down the line. That's just from my observation.

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#28 [Permalink] Posted on 21st February 2021 18:27

I dont think it is wise to accept or reject a marriage proposal based on anything you hear online.

In your locality there is generally someone to turn to, whether it is an elder of some sort or ulama.

If this is not available to you then maybe it's best to get advice from a reputable mufti/alim online who is already married and is senior. Provide the whole context and see what advice is given.

It seems too emotional a move to ask one question and whether you should base a marriage decision from this. Don't make a decision purely based on emotion

What does everyone else suggest?

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#29 [Permalink] Posted on 21st February 2021 19:01

eastmidlands wrote:

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I would and have already suggested asking LOCAL Ulama (even online)

Non local Ulama will advise based on only what the questions are. Some might end up advising the sisters to leave home and join a Darul Uloom.

This is a delicate topic. Make Istikhara. Ask around.

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#30 [Permalink] Posted on 22nd May 2021 12:58

I have a predicament and need some advice for two sisters who are in two different parts of the world.

First sister is British born and was married to a guy of her choice. However, a few months into the marriage, she realised that the guy was suffering from major depression since his parents died and because of that he is not grown into a healthy man. Because of this, the sister is now divorced and suffering from major depression as she feels she was betrayed and lied to.

So far, my advise to her has been that Allah is the best of planners and perhaps there was a reason Allah wanted this marriage to fail. It has been a long time now, and we are guiding and helping as much as possible.

She will not consider marriage again! She is still young.

She is suffering from mental torture from distant relatives. Constant taunts, always trying to hide.

So far, I have shown her all the benefits she has gained due to the failed marriage, and there are many Alhumdulillah.

What can we advise her?

Second sister is back home, where everything is completely different from our UK experience.

Unfortunately, the sister does not have a comfortable relationship with her father and always felt less loved compared to her siblings. Her father has practically put her off from ever getting married and also instilled hatred for men into her.

She is of marriage age MashaAllah and her father has indicated towards a proposal for her and chosen a future partner for her.

However, she has never seen him, doesn't know anything about him except his basic profession and age.

Another possibility may be compatibility. In terms of Dunya, she is highly qualified. Could this have an effect on her if the husband is a taxi driver or Madrasa teacher (not that these are bad) Would this have an effect on the husband?

Do the people of India/Pakistan/Bangladesh/Sri Lanka/Saudi Arabia etc take these things into consideration? Can the wife be more highly qualified than the husband? Will that have a negative impact on the marriage?

Her mother is also now trying to push this proposal onto her but the sister is not ready for it, mentally and emotionally.

What could we advise her?

In her country, she would find it really difficult to get more information on this guy and she doesn't think she will get the chance to ask any questions at all.

Should she join a Darul Uloom, join the military, stay single all her life, marry this guy not knowing anything about him. Have full tawakkul and blindly accept?

She is making Istikhara and istighfar and asking Allah to guide her and to unlock the doors for her.

Both sisters do not want to marry
Both have been hurt mentally, emotionally and so on.
Both feel betrayed

Your input may be of benefit, but please do not make assumptions or guess work.

If you have questions for either sister, share them here and I'll get the answers in due time.

If you know someone whose been through this or is going through this, please share their experiences.

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