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Premarital Questions

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abu mohammed, member2, Yasin, super-glue
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#1 [Permalink] Posted on 25th September 2011 11:40

This post is based on a small part of Mufti Yaseen Shaikh's talk last night in Madinah Masjid, Clapton, (Student of Mufti Umar Faooq and Mufti of MuftiSays)

Planning your marriage is more important than planning your wedding. Unfortunately nowadays, it is the opposite. Millions of people tend to spend most, if not all of their time preparing for that perfect-glamorous wedding.

InshaAllah this post will be of beneficial to you and your prospective spouse. You may choose as many as you wish, out of 100 questions - what you would ask your potential spouse.

One cannot stress enough how important it is to ask these questions so you may be able to understand your prospective spouse and to find out if you are compatible with each other.

Although many of us are already married, we can still use this as a guidance for our friends and families and also our children.

Masjids, and Islamic communities should be doing what is called premarital counseling...this is before engagement or nikkah or anything just for the 2 prospects to really know one another. There should be an imam who does 3 sessions or even more of premarital counseling in which the 2 individuals have to respond to a series of questions. Below is 100 questions (as mentioned by Mufti Yaseen, compiled as Majids 100 Premarital Questions) that might be asked of your future prospect...it is to your advantage (especially sisters) to give this to your future husband if be so that you can get a better understanding of him. However, I recommend that you all do it with an imam because it is less bias and the true colors come out.

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#2 [Permalink] Posted on 25th September 2011 11:45
Premarital Questions

MARRIAGE

1. What is your concept of marriage?

2. Have you been married before?

3. Are you married now?

4. What are your expectations of marriage?

5. Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?

6. What are your goals in life? (long and short term)

7. Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.

8. Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.


RELIGION

9. What is the role of religion in your life now?

10. Are you a spiritual person?

11. What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?

12. What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?

13. What is your relationship between you and the Muslim community in your area?

14. Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?

15. What can you offer your spouse spiritually?

16. What is the role of the husband?

17. What is the role of the wife?

18. Do you want to practice polygamy?


FAMILY

19. What is your relationship with your family?

20. What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?

21. What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?

22. Is there anyone in your family living with you now?

23. Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?

24. If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?


FRIENDS

25. Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)

26. How did you get to know them?

27. Why are they your friends?

28. What do you like most about them?

29. What will your relationship with them after marriage be?

30. Do you have friends of the opposite sex?

31. What is the level of your relationship with them now?

32. What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?

33. What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?


SELF

34. What are the things that you do in your free time?

35. Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?

36. What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?

37. What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with friends or family)

38. Do you travel?

39. How do you spend your vacations?

40. How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?

41. Do you read?

42. What do you read?

43. After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?

44. After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?

45. How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?

46. How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favour for you?

47. Do you like to write your feelings?

48. If you wronged someone, how do you apologize?

49. If someone has wronged you, how do you want she/he to apologize to you?

50. How much time passes before you can forgive someone?

51. How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?

52. Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family?

53. Do your friends use foul language?

54. Does your family use foul language?

55. How do you express anger?

56. How do you expect your spouse to express anger?

57. What do you do when you are angry?

58. When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage?

59. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the
conflict get resolved?

60. Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

61. What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?

62. Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?


HEALTH

63. Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?

64. Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?

65. What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?

66. How do you support your own health and nutrition?


MONEY

67. What is you definition of wealth?

68. How do you spend money?

69. How do you save money?

70. How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?

71. Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?

72. Do you use credit cards?

73. Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?

74. What are you expecting from your spouse financially?

75. What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?

76. Do you support the idea of a working wife?

77. If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?

78. Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?

79. Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?

80. Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids?


CHILDREN

81. Do you want to have children? If not, why?

82. To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?

83. Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?

84. Do you believe in abortion?

85. Do you have children now?

86. What is your relationship with your children now?

87. What is your relationship with their other parent?

88. What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent?

89. What is the best method(s) of raising children?

90. What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?

91. How were you raised?

92. How were you disciplined?

93. Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?

94. Do you believe in public school for your children?

95. Do you believe in Islamic school for your children?

96. Do you believe in home schooling for your children?

97. What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends?

98. Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?

99. What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?


RELATIVES

100. If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you want to have with them?

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#3 [Permalink] Posted on 25th September 2011 15:39
Why would anyone ask one hundred questions?

Where is this taken from?

The majority of these things can be found out from relatives or friends.

Also, wasn't it scholars who said that todays method of seeing a girl is not appropriate with lengthy sittings and interview? Also, many times it's private.

If it's public (in front of family members), how is a girl supposed to answer 100 questions like these? It would scare the scarf off her


I say, ask what is important to you
Ask what is important to her
Ask if there's anything in her past that could cause problems in the future

Then leave the rest to finding out via parents, family or friends.

Then, Istikharah and you're sorted, you'll know whether this'll work
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#4 [Permalink] Posted on 25th September 2011 15:40
Quote:
Planning your marriage is more important than planning your wedding



So so so true. People go bonkers with weddings and couldn't give two cakes about the marriage itself
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#5 [Permalink] Posted on 25th September 2011 16:15
You don't need to ask all 100.

It's just a guide. You can choose which questions are important to you and your lifestyle.

You may have not heard of mufti Yaseen. He is identified as Ulama ID 01 in the q & a section.

He is known to many who use this site and is also a personal friend of mine and again of many who use this site. It was him who introduced me to muftisays.
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#6 [Permalink] Posted on 25th September 2011 16:38
My mistake. There was no indication that it's suggestions. I thought it was a guide in the sense of how it should be done. In which case, I think what I said fits nicely with the questions.

"Ask what is important to you" (from the list)

It does cover a vast range of categories. JzkAllah. My friend was going to see a girl for marriage and he had no idea what to say, I'm sending this list to him now. Great timing for the post.
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#7 [Permalink] Posted on 25th September 2011 16:40
Third paragraph, second line!
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#8 [Permalink] Posted on 25th September 2011 16:58
Aha, I missed that although I read it. Very good thread
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#9 [Permalink] Posted on 25th September 2011 21:46
I must admit, these questions are very interesting. But I feel they are incomplete, as in, they fit well for a western spouse.

There should be a different category for relationships from the Indian subcontinent or even Eastern Europe.

Their lifestyles are very different. Many of the questions asked may not make much sense, but once married and living in a western culture, peoples attitudes change. Even after many years of marriage many differences come about after seeing how others live their life.

It's a hard decision to make.

May Allah make it easy and successful for everyone with the correct intentions. And may Allah give the others patience for each other for the sake of Allah.

After having children, each and everyone's lifestyle changes. Many responsibilities arise. One can no longer continue with the freedom that they once had. The amount of time spent with the spouse goes down as more time needs to be given to the children.

The worst thing is when the spouse says, "you don't give me enough time". They must both understand that things have changed.

Responsibility becomes vital. It's not all about love.

Wake up and smell the coffee! Its real life not some love story that the kuffar teach.

Another important question should be about TV. And tv programs, if they are addicted, may Allah help you.
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#10 [Permalink] Posted on 26th September 2011 12:23

Asslamo Allaikum All,

I get asked this question a million times by people and my simple assessment after years of thinking is to “Marry a Muslimah with deen & a good heart”.

She will work on pleasing Allah (SWT) and be forgiving, caring and a good wife.

Over the years I have seen plenty of practising Muslimahs without a "good heart" and plenty of Muslimahs with a good heart but not practising. Both disastrous combinations.

You can't change the Fitrah of a women!

 

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#11 [Permalink] Posted on 26th September 2011 12:26

And for having a balanced/well behaved family with good children (on the Deen) Indian/Pakistani women are the best in the world (hands down).

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#12 [Permalink] Posted on 26th September 2011 12:30
I dont want another thumbs down. So no further comment.

However, men and women are equal but different.
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#13 [Permalink] Posted on 26th September 2011 12:34

"abu mohammed" wrote:
I dont want another thumbs down. So no further comment. However, men and women are equal but different.

Asslamo Allaikum,

Men and women are not equal but Allah (SWT) has declared men to be superior because they look after women:

[4:34] Men are caretakers of women, since Allah has made some of them excel the others, and because of the wealth they have spent. So, the righteous women are obedient, (and) guard (the property and honor of their husbands) in (their) absence with the protection given by Allah. As for women of whom you fear rebellion, convince them, and leave them apart in beds, and beat them. Then, if they obey you, do not seek a way against them. Surely, Allah is the Highest, the Greatest.

  1. Men are supposed to look afer and take care of women
  2. Women are supposed to accept they men are superior to them

In our day and age we have a problem on both sides!

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#14 [Permalink] Posted on 26th September 2011 12:49
Jazakallah, I didnt mean it in that way.

We all know men are more superior to women in Islam. My comment was rather upon the fithrah of us men and women, but I didnt/dont want to go there.

As for the women of India or Pakistan, I disagree in the sense that if you were of Turkish/Chinese/polish etc. origin, you would have a totaly different view.

I know many family members of India and Pakistan, what they were and what they become when the come to the UK, SubhanAllah, same goes for the men.

If the man or woman, regardless of ethnic background, is on Deen, InshaAllah we can all say hands down that they are the best.
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#15 [Permalink] Posted on 27th March 2012 18:47
Summer is around the corner and the marriages will be taking a leap. People will also be in search for their future partner. And a friend is about to get married, so it reminded me of this topic, therefore its back on the agenda.

Please pass it on.
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