My husband is a compulsive gambler

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#31 [Permalink] Posted on 11th April 2016 10:35

Leenah wrote:

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You were advised on the 2nd of December 2015 to contact Amirah, did you contact them?

IF you did who did you speak to and what was said to you?

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#32 [Permalink] Posted on 11th April 2016 11:41

Leenah wrote:

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I think it is very important to understand the nature of Gambling addiction, the reason a person remains addicted and secondly the triggers that cause the individual to return to the addiction, after short periods of abstention. I mentioned these in post #7, I request you re-read that. Whilst Hypnotherapy can help assist the addict, in their journey of trying to quit. It does not completely cure the addiction, it takes a strong determination on the part of the addict and awareness of what emotions or triggers cause them to relapse.. This can be a very lengthy process regular hypnotherapy sessions, counselling and ultimately for your husband to obtain the spiritual strength that can only be achieved by seeking inner-peace and tranquility by returning to the deen,
and connecting to a Shaykh... If he feels uncomfortable contacting someone locally at the masjid these days one can easily develop a long distance relationship via the internet, so that he can obtain regular support and counselling via telephone, in writing and e-mails.

I am really dis-appointed that Amirahs Foundation were unable to help at that time...As for the anxieties you have mentioned these are common amongst victims of Domestic abuse. Loneliness, depression, feeling hopeless and totally helpless. Other factors and thoughts such as the negative impact on children on not having father in their lives being seperated from him, ofcourse generally speaking in instances were the marriage has irrevocably broken down the great anxieties concerning making a complete fresh start, finding an employment, having to re-learn new skills, getting re-married, challenge of finding someone who will be a good father to the children...so when the victim of Domestic abuse is overwhelmed by these anxieties, they usually return they find the prospect of being alone, far more terrifying then the toxic situation that they are in.... They rationalise that perhaps this time he will perhaps really change and things might be different.
Vast research has been done on the emotional impact on victims of domestic, organisations like Amirahs foundation that help domestic abuse victims are aware of all these anxieties and usually provide counselling to the victim.

I would urge you to re-contact Amirahs Foundation, concerning your present circumstances ... If however you would like contact details of similar organisations in London and other parts of the country then please ask and we will post those.

Since you are feeling overwhelmed and confused.. I would recommend that you get in touch, with an Alimah who is experienced and can advise you spiritually and emotionally.

Mufti Professor Kamaluddin Ahmed (Db) is a Shaykh born and raised in America, he is well experienced in helping and advising people with various addictions, from Pornography, gambling, drugs, alchohol etc. You can find his lectures on the Islamic Spirituality website.

His Wife Alimah Sobia Ahmed who was also born and raised in America, runs the Zaynab Academy here is the contact form at her website .... www.zaynabacademyonline.org/contact-us/ She herself has taught and helped hundreds of Sisters from around the world on various issues, you can read more about her background here www.zaynabacademyonline.org/academy/instructors/

I hope this helps Insha'Allah.

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#33 [Permalink] Posted on 11th April 2016 21:27

Subhanallah, you have described exactly how it is with my worries and thinking. It is hard to comprehend and agree with myself that I am being abused in some kind of way and that why am I allowing it happen to myslelf. It's not that I'm perfect and haven't got any faults but do I really deserve to be treated like that. And then you do think about kids aswell. Their future. I know if I leave him he wouldn't leave me alone, I would be living in constant worry what if he comes, grab the kids or do something crazy nauzubillah. I know it's all in Allah's hands but I can't risk kids life. You're right, there's so many things that stop me from going away.
When I rang amirah's foundation they didn't have space for 5people, they advised me to ring police and sort it out that way and after I rang again the person gave me number to a lady that runs womens shelter and I went to stay there for two days. But fell for the promise of my husband and I came back. Don't get me wrong I don't want to excuse his behaviour but if he don't gamble he is really good person. Kids love him, like to play sports with him etc. it's this addiction that changes him completely making him like a big monster.
This week things have calmed down a little bit, but I know another storm will be coming soon. Your kind words and positive thoughts make me feel much better. JazakAllah for understanding.
I will inshaAllah visit the website posted.

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#34 [Permalink] Posted on 11th April 2016 22:15

I am no expert but from my brief research, the emotions you have described are very common, in victims of domestic abuse regardless of the culture or background they come from. For years the police did not take domestic violence issues seriously purely because the Victim would in vast majority of cases return home, and drop the charges. The Police considered a 'Domestic' as a waist of resources, only after years of campaigning by Womans groups that Police do take it very seriously these days usually there will be a female officer experienced on domestic violence issues.

The Abusers are usually very manipulative, they will in many cases make the victim feel they are the ones to blame. After months or years of abuse the victim themselves starts blaming themselves for each and every altercation,... "its my fault if I did'nt speak in a blunt manner then he would not have lost his temper"... " If I had not spoken whilst he was watching the T.v. then he would not have got angry" , even minor things like shutting the door in a loud manner can trigger of a tantrum from the abuser.

On top the constant verbal abuse will leave the victims confidence being totally shattered, the abuser will constantly tell her she is worthless she is old and ugly "who will want to marry you if you leave". "You have no skills or ability how are you going to support yourself". He will also make efforts to cut her of from her own family and friends until she is totally isolated. Sometimes the victim will themselves cut of their family because they keep telling her to leave, or other times they will ignore her requests for help because they become fed up that she keeps returning to him.

Of course, these altercations are usually followed by periods of remorse by the abuser, he will tell her he is sorry it wont happen again, but majority of the time put the blame on the victim for having provoked him. For a few days or weeks he is very sweet.... Then the victim feels he does really care for me its my fault that I always say the wrong things that trigger him to lose his temper.

This becomes a vicious cycle....Ultimately the fact is your husband is an addict, unless he has the inner determination to seek the necessary help to give up his addiction and to change his behaviour permanently...Then it is a possibility that this could become a never ending cycle that could go on for years.

There are groups and individuals that can offer you support and advice and even legal protection such as restraining orders, but they cannot make the choice for you as to what is the best course of action to take for your own well being and the children, that is up to you to decide.

Insha'Allah do check out the website and fill out the contact form requesting spiritual advice and guidance concerning your situation.

Groups Like Amirahs Foundation will be able to put you in touch with counsellors and support groups consisting of individuals who have themselves suffered domestic abuse and know exactly what you are going through.

Further more usually at the Local Library or Doctors surgery they will leaflets and pamphlets available with details of local domestic violence support groups, who can help and assist.

May Allah ease all your difficulties ameen.

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Abdur Rahman ibn Awf

My husband is a compulsive gambler

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