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#16 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 12:52

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I agree with that.

But if a wife is unable to cope she can seek husband's permission and Insha'Allah ask for someone to speak to him. I have spoken to random husbands several times in that manner and they have known that their wives have provided me with the details.

Most men know very well that what they are doing is HARAM and do have Fear of Allah (SWT) in their hearts.

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#17 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 12:55

Brother Rehaan, As brother Muadh said any close family member can be involved who can hide the secret and won't directly talk about porn. Like tableeghees do, explain about aakhirah, barakah in life, itemenan-e-qalb for all the good deeds and for sacrificing the worldly desires. And about "duniya ki be sabathi" etc.

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#18 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 12:56

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nothing.
only experienced these situations in families and society sadly mostly in muslim homes. Never in any home of jain society of which i was earlier a part of. and the advise in the first post was because of positive outcome of one such issue. Those stories that do circulate in the society nearly always end up in separation sometimes temporary sometimes divorce.

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#19 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 14:19

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You have answered the question in two ways:

Nothing (1st line)
Experience (3 lines of elaboration)

Which one is true?

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#20 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 14:26

This HOTT debate shall not help the sister.

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#21 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 14:55

We must understand the nature of this addiction.

Firstly the Husband needs to be made aware, how spiritually destructive watching pornography is, as Maulana Yasin pointed out recent research by neuro scientists, has found that Porn addiction as a great an effect on the brain as Cocaine addiction...When an individual first starts taking drugs, they find that small doses give them a massive high, but after a while the brain and nervous system become desensitised, the same dose no longer has the same effect, so he has to keep having to increase the dose to try and feel the same "buzz", the drug addicts call this "Chasing the dragon" until his entire life revolves around getting his next fix, nothing else matters.

What has been found among Porn addicts is that initially they will start with "soft porn" , they quickly become desensitised and it no longer gives the same buzz, so they go on to "hard porn" after a while that no longer gives the same buzz, so they have to keep going to the next level, and their sexual tastes and behaviours become more and more bizarre, and initially they may engage in their addiction privately and secretly, but after a while they feel the need to act out their fantasies.

Another aspect is that once they act out their fantasy, they feel depressed because they dont actually feel the "buzz" that they anticipated...Chasing after the addiction, the sense of anticipation carry's the greater "buzz" once the fantasy is filled there is a feeling of "anti climax"....Similar example would be Women who are addicted to shopping their entire focus is on getting their next designer item, the whole anticipation and excitement revolves around getting that next designer item or status symbol, soon as they purchase it and get home, they feel a sense of "anti-climax" and depressed so they journey begins again and on to the next item...The reality here is that the imagination is a powerful thing, what a person visualises in their mind is greater then the reality for example, a person may get a craving for a particular food, for arguments sake lets say Pizza, now during the entire day they are craving the pizza and through the power of their imagination, they can even smell and taste it...So evening time comes around, they order the Pizza
and lo, and behold it does not have the same effect as what they had been anticipating all day...!

So on to the issue at hand, if the Brother does not acknowledge or address his addiction it will get progressively worse, he would need to reflect on the fact that what if Allah takes my soul whilst I am engaged in this act and death can come at anytime ....., and I have read of situations were this has actually happened Brothers passing away whilst they have been engaged in their addiction. May Allah protect us.

If the brother is getting angry when you bring up the topic of his pornography addiction then that is a good sign..It means he is actually embarrased and feels guilty about his own behaviour, and responds with anger when this is pointed out to him.

(1) The Brother needs to be made aware that his watching of pornography is self-destructive, and he needs to tackle this, secondly depending on the severity of his addiction like addicts he will occasionaly have a relapse, even if this happens he must stay focused
and remain determined to overcome his addiction.

(2) He needs to realise, that Allah has set boundaries as to what is permissible as far as sexual relations go, he should treat his wife with respect and dignity, he has no right to try and force her to engage in acts that are violation of the sharia.

(3) He also needs to respect that his wife works hard all day, looking after the children etc. So even if the relations are within the bounds of the sharia, he needs to show kindness to his wife by not being over demanding.

The first key to addressing this issues is effective communication, So sister if your husband gets angry and defensive, when you bring up these issues, and therefore you feel uncomfortable bring up this conversation...Then write down your thoughts and feelings on paper, put the letter in an envelope and either post it to your husband or hand it to him, ...express to him how much you love him and how concerned you are about this issue, if this does not work then the next step would be to take the action recommended by Muadh Khan... But remember one thing is not to encourage, an addict in their addiction he must be gently made aware as far your concerned this aspect of his behaviour is inappropiate and it is effecting you emotionally, as well as being destructive to himself.

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#22 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 15:07

Br. @Abdur Rahman. Can we recommend our sister to start a "taleem halqa" with her children in her house for 5 minutes then take it to 15 minutes. fazail-e-amal, riyadussaliheen, muntakhab ahadeeth, any thing is OK. This halqa softens the heart of her husband Insha Allah. Positive results were experienced with this in many cases.

But back up of duas and sadaqas is a must.

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#23 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 15:25

Sister the main Key to dealing with this issue would be to seek the help of Allah make lots of Dua, and abundance of Zikr....And if it is possible as the brother above has mentioned creating a spiritual environment in the home.

A Zikr that many have found to be fairly effective in dealing with difficulties is as Brother Abu Mohammed pointed out is Istighfar that is the recitation of Astaghfirullah in abundance you should recite it abundantly hundreds of times through out the day,....... it will "insha'Allah also help your husband if his willing to recite it in dealing with his issues.

The following article has some stories in relation to the power of Istighfar, I have highlighted them in bold. Have a read Insha'Allah.

Power of Istighfar

Bismillah.

May Allah ease all your difficulties ameen. Please read the following article some amazing true stories Insha'Allah it will be of benefit.

The Blessings of abundant Istighfar.

May Allah forgive us all! اَسْتَغْفِرُاﷲَ الَّذِیْ لَا اِلٰہَ اِلَّا ھُوَالْحَیُّ الْقَیُّوْمُ وَاَتُوْبُ اِلَیْہ

Salvation is a very great blessing. Just imagine, when the pronouncement of salvation for the Messenger of Allah was made in the Holy Quran, he was overjoyed. Only that Mu'min is successful who is absolved. If this salvation and forgiveness is demanded of Allah, it is called "Istighfar." Allah blesses that nation with the capacity and chance to repent whom He wants to save from punishment. The incident of Hazrat Younas' people is present in the Holy Quran. There occur some curtains and hurdles between man's supplication and the High Throne due to sins. Istighfar removes those curtains and hurdles.

Once Hazrat Imaam Ahmad bin Hambal was travelling across a far-off village of Iraq that the night fell. There was neither any intimacy nor a place to settle. He intended to spend the night in the Masjid. When he went there, the watchman refused to let him in. He tried to tell him but he was adamant to his stand. Hazrat Imaam said, "I may sleep here on the floor outside the Masjid." So he lay there but the watchman was adamant to his stand. He caught his feet and began to drag him away the Masjid when a baker caught sight of it. He requested Hazrat Imaam to spend the night at his house. He served and respected him well. Then he went out to knead flour. Imaam Sahib noted and heard him begging forgiveness going about and kneading flour. When in the morning, he was asked, he said that it was his daily routine. He said, "Did you ever find its apparent benefit? He said, "Yes, every of my supplication is granted. Only one supplication is till now not granted." He said, "Which one?" He said, "The supplication of visiting Imaam Ahmad bin Hambal." He said, "I am Ahmad bin Hambal. This supplication of yours has also been granted. I have been dragged to you."

The benefits of excellences and effects of Istighfar are very wonderful but the common people do not attend to it. This is also the curse of sins that despite reading so many uses of Istighfar, people do not opt for it. If I write down today the excellence and uses of Istighfar mentioned in the Holy Quran without explanation, the column will extend to eight pages.

A few days ago, I happened to study the writing of an Arab female scholar. Allah had blessed her with so many blessings and benefits of Istighfar. She writes, "O sister, burning in sorrows, miseries and worries, O sister wasting away yourself in weeping, O sister caught by trials, tribulations and troubles, why do you not use the medicine of Istighfar? It is balm of every injury and cure of every worry, every grief and every trouble." All these things are certainly true and the benefits of Istighfar are just a glimpse otherwise the man who beseeches to Allah again and again and repents of his sins, he will gain everything in the world.

A lady writes her own incident. She was a widow of thirty years with five children. She had neither a proper place to live nor any source of livelihood. She was a single widow with five children. It is not difficult to estimate her grief and worries. During those days of anxiety, she heard this tradition on the radio.

مَنْ لَزِمَ الْاِسْتِغْفَارَ جَعَلَ اﷲُ لَہُ مِنْ کُلَّ ھَمٍّ فَرْجًا وَّمِنْ کُلِّ ضِیْقٍ مَخْرَجًا وَّرَزَقَہ، مِنْ حَیْثُ لَا یَحْتَسِبْ.

The man who opts for Istighfar i.e. always begs forgiveness, Allah rids him of every worry, trouble and grief and gives him livelihood beyond imagination.

She was a Mu'min slave of Allah. She began to say, "Now all my problems are solved." She busied herself and her children with Istighfar daily. They begged forgiveness for thousands of times daily. Only six months had passed that they found papers of inheritance estate. So they constructed their own house with millions of rupees and every luxury. Subhaan Allah! Those who ask forgiveness of Allah are very dear to Him. He does not render them needy of others. That lady thanked Allah and continued Istighfar. She set her children to get religious education and memorizing the Holy Quran.

I happened to visit a great saint who had very strict terms and conditions a few days ago. Some saints are very mild whereas some others are strict with regard to the limits of Shariah. The creature benefits from both types of saints. The things that have been called "Cure" in traditions, honey and Hijaamah are also included in them. Allah has placed cure in both. Same are the kinds of the saints of Allah. Someone treats with honey i.e. mildness whereas the other with Hijaamah i.e. strictness. He was a strict saint. He would not often accept pledging from those who would go to pledge an oath of allegiance with him. If he was light to someone, he would say, "Observe fasts for three days and recite Istighfar for one and quarter past one lac times." Allah be thanked, wonderful benefits of Istighfar were observed. Someone was blessed with visiting of the Messenger of Allah and others were given some other blessing instantly. Qazi Abu Ali At-Tanukhi has written a book "Kitab-ul-Farj Ba'd-ul-Shiddata" ’’کتاب الفرج بعد الشدّۃ‘‘ i.e. Amplitude And Comfort After Hard Times. It is a very brief but effective book. He writes his own incident, "The enemies captivated me and intended to kill me. I recited Hazrat Younas' supplication abundantly during. That supplication had Tauheed, praise and Istighfar that is لَا اِلٰہَ اِلَّا اَنْتَ سُبْحَانَکَ اِنِّیْ کُنْتُ مِنَ الظَّالِمِیْن After regular recitation for nine days, I was released from that captivity."

An Arab young man writes his incident vowing with Allah that whatever he was writing was true, "I was a poor depressed person. I went to Saudi Arabia to earn a few coins but I was arrested there. I knew that even if the arrested person in Saudi Arabia is innocent, it takes approx two years to get released. I made Istighfar my routine for thousands of times daily. Then I was released after just eighty-four days. The next day, someone gifted me sixty thousand Rayal. Then the situation began to change regularly."

These are absolutely true incidents. They are the gems of the sea which are hidden in Istighfar. Today, I had sorted out so many incidents for you but I shall not write them in detail. For example:

i. Here is a doctor. Five doctors in the hospital conspired against him and got him dismissed from service. It is said that he invoked Sunnah Istighfar اَسْتَغْفِرُاﷲَ الَّذِیْ لَا اِلٰہَ اِلَّا ھُوَالْحَیُّ الْقَیُّوْمُ وَاَتُوْبُ اِلَیْہ . He was restored within a few days and the jealous met a very heinous exemplary end.

ii. Here is a lucky but childless couple. They got treatment from so many countries but it was useless. Then they heard the verse of the Holy Quran which tells, "Beg forgiveness, Allah will give you wealth and children." They stopped every treatment and started Istighfar. Now they have three sons and four daughters.

iii. Here is a lady. Her husband abuses and beats her much and disgraces her. She adopted Istighfar. One day, her husband beat her well. After he left, she kept invoking Istighfar in grief and sorrow. She did not complain but begged forgiveness. All of a sudden, there was an explosion and a charm appeared at some place in the house. It came to be known that it was a dangerous magic spell. She threw that out of the house. When her husband came home in the evening, he began to ask forgiveness of her. Then he changed so much that life took a new turning.

iv. Here is a Muslim sister. She wants to marry a holy, pious, Mujaahid saint. She makes Istighfar her routine for 1500 times daily as اَسْتَغْفِرُاﷲَ الَّذِیْ لَا اِلٰہَ اِلَّا ھُوَالْحَیُّ الْقَیُّوْمُ وَاَتُوْبُ اِلَیْہ besides this abundance of small Istighfar اَسْتَغْفِرُاﷲَ رَبِّیْ وَاَتُوْبُ اِلَیْہ. Now, she is married to a scholar Mujaahid and a loving husband.

v. A woman got the disease of cancer. She recited Istighfar abundantly. After the next test, there was nothing of cancer.

vi. A woman was childless even after thirty years of marriage. Someone told her about Istighfar and she got busy in it. Allah blessed her with children.

There are so many incidents. The object of writing them is to get persuasion to action. There is no exaggeration in these stories because Allah Himself promises numerous blessings at Istighfar. Allah does not go back on His words. Study Allah's words in Surah Hood verse No.3:

"And you must seek forgiveness from your Lord, then turn to Him in repentance, and He will provide you with good things to enjoy for a given time and bestow His extra favour on everyone who has extra good deeds (in his account)." (Hood:3)

The actual reward and blessings are in the Hereafter but there is promise of giving peace, calm, comfort and numerous kinds of blessings in the world also.

At another place, Allah says: So I said, "Pray to your Lord for your forgiveness. Indeed He is very-Forgiving, and He will cause the heavens to rain upon you in abundance and will help you with riches and sons and will cause gardens to grow for you and cause rivers to flow for you." (Nuh: 10-12)

If you meditate over these two verses only, you will come to know that Istighfar is key to every blessing and comfort. That's why; the Holy Quran orders for Istighfar again and again. Our Holy Prophet despite being innocent recited Istighfar again and again. Sahaabha would hear him reciting Istighfar for one hundred times in one sitting only. He advised his Ummah also to do so. If we take Sunnah supplications, there is Istighfar in most of them. I was observing ablution a short while ago. There was also Istighfar in the Sunnah supplication of ablution. Then I started to the Masjid. The supplication recited on the way to Masjid also contains Istighfar. After prayer, I recalled the Sunnah activity and this is Istighfar for three times. Our kind compassionate Holy Prophet taught us Istighfar in abundance. You can estimate from it how many uses are there in Istighfar. According to a narration, Hazrat Luqmaan said to his son:

"O my son, make your tongue habitual of ’’اَللَّھُمَّ اغْفِرْلِیْ‘‘ because there are timings with Allah when He does not reject anyone's supplication." Note, how necessary thing Istighfar is that it has been ordered to beg again and again. Qataadah says, "The Holy Quran diagnoses disease as well as its cure. Your disease is sins. Your medicine is Istighfar." Abul-Manhall says, "There will be no companion dearer than Istighfar in the grave. Allama Ibn Tammiyah was asked, "Should we observe rosary or Istighfar in abundance?" He said, "If clothes are clean, scent is good, but if dirty, soap is good. We often remain dirty." It means Hymn is like scent and Istighfar is like soap. Actually, Istighfar is a heavy rain of purity which purifies man from inner and outer side. The biggest purity is that Recording Book is purified. This book is given in the right or left hand. How much is Recording Book filthied by watching a movie? How much is Recording Book darkened by telling lies? The babblers speak nonstop. There is negligence in duty, evil-eye, unlawful living and dishonesty. How many sins have surrounded the Ummah? If listed, it will become a book. How much repentance and Istighfar in comparison with it? Sins are actually like the fat that when clots the veins of the heart there is heart-attack. Sins are like the web that prevails upon the eye and the eyes are sour. Sins are like the garbage that when it clots the water pipe, it is like a poison that when enters blood or vein it causes cancer. Istighfar is treatment of them all. Our sins have blocked those invisible pipes and lines from where mercy, peace, might and lawful living descend. Passing through them, our supplications reach the High Throne. We can avoid every grief, pain, misery deprivation, disease, shock and every trouble by asking forgiveness. The actual reward is that of the Hereafter about which Hazrat Ayesha says: طوبیٰ لمن وُجد فی صحیفتہ استغفارا کثیرا

Glad tidings i.e. Allah's good pleasure and Paradise is for the one in whose Recording Book is Istighfar in abundance. Allah be thanked, our organization has been blessed with Istighfar in abundance owing to the blessings of Kalimah Tayyibah, prayer and Jihaad. Never be negligent in reciting Kalimah Tayyibah in abundance. It should be at least for 100 times daily. Make arrangements for it for Allah's sake. Never give up recitation and Durood Sharif. I am indicating to the important points that were issued during ten days compaign of Istighfar. You will find those in today's paper.

Let us break up the sitting at the words of Hazrat Ali. العجب ممن یھلک و معہ النجاۃ قیل وماھی قال: ’’الاستغفار‘‘

Woe is to one who is ruined when he has the prescription of Istighfar with him. Asked, "What is that prescription?" The answer came, "Istighfar."

اَسْتَغْفِرُاﷲَ الَّذِیْ لَا اِلٰہَ اِلَّا ھُوَالْحَیُّ الْقَیُّوْمُ وَاَتُوْبُ اِلَیْہ. رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْلَنَا ذُنُوْبَنَا وَاِسْرَافَنَا فِیْٓ اَمْرِنَا وَثَبِّتْ اَقْدَامَنَا وَانْصُرْنَا عَلَی الْقَوْمِ الْکٰفِرِیْنَ. رَبَّنَا ظَلَمْنَآ اَنْفُسَنَا وَاِنْ لَّمْ تَغْفِرْلَنَا وتَرْحَمْنَا لَنَکُوْنَنَّ مِنَ الْخٰسِرِیْنَ. سُبْحَانَکَ اللّٰھُمَّ رَبَّنَاوَبِحَمْدِکَ اَللّٰھُمَّ اغْفِرْلِیْ وَارْحَمْنِیْ.

لا الہ الا اﷲ، لا الہ الا اﷲ، لا الہ الا اﷲ محمد رسول اﷲ

اللھم صل علیٰ سیدنا محمد والہ وصحبہ وبارک وسلم تسلیما کثیرا کثیر

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#24 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 15:46

Abdur Rahman ibn Awf wrote:

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Can we get a source for this, please?

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#25 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 16:05

Muadh_Khan wrote:

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No cant find the source...! It used be on Orbit Islam website, it is one of those sites were readers can contribute their own articles. The author of this particular article was anonymous, this article is no longer on that website.

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#26 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 21:15

The sister is in a "no-win" situation either way. If she acts upon her husbands desires, if haram then she is worried about the consequences and even if not haram its just too much for her. If she doesn't act upon his desires then she can lose her husband or be domestically abused. It is all too easy to sit here and throw advice around but ultimately the sister is in on this on her own (Apart from Allah سبحانه وتعالى of course).
My meagre advice, test the waters. If he commits haram acts then SAY NO. See what happens, what does he love ultimately; porn or you? If its just that the sex is too much then maybe talking and getting it into his skull that you are in pain maybe the way to go. Just see what happens slowly slowly.
Ultimately trying to get him away from porn would be a milestone, but how to stop an addict when he doesn't wanna stop is the million dollar question.
And of course duas, sadaqah and supplication as others have advised.

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#27 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 22:00

Quote:

The sister is in a "no-win" situation either way.

Sorry, but this I have to disagree with.

"Verily Allah loves the patient ones" so how can she be losing.

Let the sister take the advice given by others and then let her assess the situation and then take things further.

With the Deen, there is no losing, ultimately.

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#28 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 22:05

abu mohammed wrote:

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Sure you are right, but its not what I meant. Read my post carefully.

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#29 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 22:15

byellow200 wrote:

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"Tie the camel, then do tawakul."
Duas and supplication are very important, but what my point was either way the sister is in hardship. She is very likely to put her health or deen in danger by listening and by not obeying she is likely to suffer also from him. She does not want to separate from her husband due to her own reasons, and I don't blame her. After this which ever way she wants to go she will have to do sabar, of course. My only advise is rather than do nothing try a little of something, and see where it goes. And alongside that do duas and supplication.

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#30 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 22:48

byellow200 wrote:

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Thats a very pessimistic way at looking at things we should be people of Optimism, no where in her post does the sister mention the following..."If she doesn't act upon his desires then she can lose her husband or be domestically abused"

Just because the Brother has an addiction to pornography does not mean that he is also a wife beater or that he is someone who will abandon his family.

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