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Husband very demanding

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#1 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 03:23
Assalam alaikum

Please i am in need of help. I am married for 10 years now. My husband's sexual needs is high. I never say no to him although I am tired from the day of work with two boys but i still accomodate him as it's my marital duty. I love him a lot.

Lately things are not going good at all. He has some sort of image in his mind as to how i should act or portray myself. He requires me to be in the mood before he comes to bed. He is also watching porn a lot nowadays even though he know i dont like it. Once i told him that and he got really angry at me. Since then i pretend that i am not annoyed. He needs a new and different thing every night! He needs things to be spiced up nomatter how.

It has come to a point that i dont enjoy intimate marital relations with him. Its as if a test i have to give every night. There is no pleasing him. Its a constant burden on my mind now. If it wasn't to his satisfaction how he imagined he distances himself from me. And the whole family environment suffers. I try everything i can but i cannot act dirty like the porn stars. Please help me. Advice me what to do?
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#2 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 03:41
Firstly, scheme up with your gynaecologist and get hospitalised. Than let the gynac tell your husband that you will have some major organ failure and it will be fatal in medical terms which he doesnt understand but will get frightened and to have very less physical contact.
Secondly, make your husband feel guilty for the situation and at the same time you yourself fake disappointment in front of him. The more the dramatisation the better. Plan well and play out the part convincingly.
Problem solved. Forever. :)
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#3 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 05:31
Rehaan wrote:
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Lies and deception is not good advice. This question should be in the Q&A support but as it's not, here's my input:

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The problem is very clear. He is learning marital relations from pornography. The harms of which are clearly documented by the likes of BBC and others where the damages are on marriages.

The husband learns and then believes that real satisfaction is in what he sees "actors" doing for money and then tries to apply that in real life. The issue here is not you trying to do your duties but you are fueling his incorrect desires which have no limit.

So step 1 would be to distance yourself from the Haraam completely. Askimam.org has many answers in this regard. I recommend you search and read up on it.

Here's some information which proves that the problem in his addiction and not in sexual needs:

  • Pornography is a $57 billion dollar industry (Top Ten Reviews).
  • 50% of Christian men and 20% of Christian women are addicted (ChristiaNet Survey).
  • 68% of divorces involve one party over the internet, with 56% of divorces involving one party having an obsessive interest in “pornographic websites” (American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers).
  • Of those struggling with sexual addiction under the age of 35, 60% are men (National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families).


Quote:
1. Porn Breaks Trust. Marriages are built on trust. Ask a woman how she feels when her husband looks at porn and if she’s honest she hates it. She’ll say it feels like he is bringing other women into the relationship. And whether the man likes that or not she’s right. It’s infidelity.

2. Porn Creates Comparisons. You can’t look at images without comparing those images to your spouse. This can lead to ungratefulness, where you focus on what your spouse “isn’t” instead of being thankful for what he/she is.

3. Porn Destroys Self-Esteem. Just ask your spouse how confident they feel being naked in front of you after you’ve looked at pornography and you’ll understand this one.

4. Porn Creates Unreal Expectations. Porn is not reality! It’s a movie created by a director and paid actors who…hate to burst your bubble…are acting! It’s not real! And guess what, most of them hate it. Many of the female actors were coerced into the film industry at a very young age outside of their will. A high number of female actors take drugs to cope with both the physical pain of filming and the emotional pain. The suicide rate is high among both male and female actors.

5. Porn Destroys Intimacy. Porn in a marriage is usually very secretive. The one looking doesn’t want the other spouse to know. The result is a lack of intimacy as one spouse is keeping secrets from the other.

6. Porn Creates Shame. The enemy tempts us to look, and when we do, he tells us what a loser we are for looking. Shame is one of the worst side effects of porn. Because people often look at porn to escape stress or fear, it creates a downward spiral that goes like this. 1. Feel bad about your life. 2. Look at porn to escape. 3. Feel bad about your life for looking at porn. 4. Look at more to escape.

7. Porn is Addictive. Anyone who tells you it isn’t is wrong. Studies show that porn lights up the pleasure center of the brain more than cocaine. It’s powerful and it’s very addictive.

8. Porn Never Satisfies. The porn industry thrives on “customer dissatisfaction.” I heard a podcast explain the difference between sexual addiction and drug addiction. They stated that the drug addict craves “more” but the sexual addict craves “different.” In other words, a heroin addict wants more heroin. But a sex addict doesn’t just want more sex, he wants “different” sex.

The power behind porn is lust. And lust doesn’t crave “prettier” – it craves “different.” It’s why Tiger Woods can be married to a super model and still cheat with numerous other women. It’s not that his wife wasn’t “attractive enough,” it’s just that lust always craves “different.” The deception is that “different” will satisfy you, but of course, once you have what you craved you want something different. It never ends.

9. Porn is Progressively Perverse. Due to its inability to satisfy, pornography always leads one to greater perversity. We hear these horrible stories on the news about acts committed against children, even toddlers, and we try to wrap our minds around how someone could be so warped to do something so sick.


Please ask yourself how much of the above applies to your situation.

Ws
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#4 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 06:00
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yeah right. like the husband will patiently listen being lectured on the harms when his raging hormones are getting out of control.not wise.

@yasin
your first sentence is very insincere in your heart to put it mildly.
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#5 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 06:29
Rehaan wrote:
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Ok
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#6 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 08:12
Brother rehaan who are you to say maulana yasin sab is insincere?
Secondly your saying the husband wont be able to control himself despite being told about the harms of porn. However your suggestion is the wife should not meet the needs of the husband, which would mean (in this case) that he will go elsewhere for sexual gratification.
Maulana sab has shown the root cause of the problem, if this is not dealt with the person will not be able to control his desires.

Sister you said you never say no. Does this mean that you have not spoken to your husband about your struggles?
I am in no position to advise but i would recommend:
1. Sit him down and tell him about how much the situation is troubling you. Tell him that due to your love for him you never say anything
2.some professional physiological help is needed. Porn addiction can be tough but can definitely be dealt with inshaallah. Many non muslim youth stop just to challenge themselves, we have a greater reason and motivation as Muslims. Be careful about how you introduce the topic of seeking professional help as this could offend him
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#7 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 08:17
He needs psychological help not physiological sorry.
I feel that porn addiction does seem to be the main problem here.
Do solid dua every day. Wake up for tahajjud and cry, pray 2 rakah salatul hajah everyday.
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#8 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 09:37
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#9 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 11:41
The root of the problem is the porn addiction by this sister's husband. That too this sister only has to handle the situation. She can't present the harms of porn to him. She can't express her pains.

Let us all do dua for this sister.

Yaa Allah help this sister to come out of this situation. Ya Allah give taufeeq to her husband to do taubah from porn. Yaa Rahman, Send some one who can reach to this man and explain the whole situation and motivate him to do taubah.

Aameen.

Also request our sister to do taubah from any acts which are against Shariah. And repeat istighfaar as number of times as you can.
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#10 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 11:48
One more request to sister:

Offer more of sadaqah (charity) to the needy. Also do dua for any other sister who is in similar or near to this situation.
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#11 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 11:53

In need of help wrote:
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Masha'Allah good advice from everyone except Rehaan.

If you are unable to speak to your husband gets others involved.

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#12 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 12:23
Muadh_Khan wrote:
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yes, get others involved and get it to spread throughout the society. Great advise to get yourself permanently embarrassed and the husband daily humiliated. Wow. are you guys real?
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#13 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 12:32
Rehaan wrote:
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Many husbands are like Scholars in front of others, yet behind the scenes they can be Jack the ripper.

Yes, concealing the sin of others is better, when there is no way out, it can be the best thing to do.

Involving "Others" would normally mean Ulama (and some times family), not any local Joe.
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#14 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 12:45

Rehaan wrote:
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I have spoken to many families about these issues, regularly deal with these matters and also happen to have a Post-Graduate degree on a relevant subject. I have also translated works of Shaykh (Maulana) Yaqoub Qasmi (HA) and his Shariah Council into English.

Would you kindly elaborate upon your Academic qualification, relevant expertise and professional experience in the field, please?

Jzk

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#15 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd September 2015 12:46
abu mohammed wrote:
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talking about such issues is hard itself. Its easy on the net being anonymous. Any regular sister wont find it easy to talk about it. Then when the husband finds out that his wife has divulged his "secrets" all hell will break loose. So the situation will get worse. Remember a husband will never ever tolerate interference in his very private life and more so if initiated by his wife.
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