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Shortcomings of Men & Women in Marriage

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#1 [Permalink] Posted on 10th May 2022 04:32
This is an excerpt from Asiya Madni’s interview with Muhammad Ali. Its translated more or less meaning. My notes are in brackets.

What hurts is that both (men and women) are victims, they are oppressors as well. They are suffering due to each other. In the name of fighting against oppression, we are forgetting our own responsibilities. Because of these movements of calling for both women and men’s rights, the negative impact is that relationship Allah سبحانه وتعالى had tied with love has now made them enemies on opposing ends. If we take on this enmity it will take on a form of win and lose battle. Putting aside suffering of entire family, the individual man and woman are going to suffer in their pursuit of harming one another.

We think that perfect marriage model is in lives of people through luck of draw. Some get it and some don’t. It doesn’t happen like that. Just like any skill in the world. To maintain and sustain a relationship, this requires learning where in learning never ends. Those marriages that have already gone through 40-50 years, every day, month and year they face new challenges. Both men and women should be willing to (constantly) learn.

Let me talk on shortcomings of men.

(1) What is reason his communication is not getting through? You are great in communicating at work. No one is willing to listen to you at home. My responsibility is only to be the provider. The making of the ‘home’ is responsibility of the woman. He knows through his conscious this is incorrect, he can see that his wife is not able to do this on her own. He is not willing to accept this. Even in our society the man start helping out at home and taking interest in kids; unfortunately his family starts taunting him. This is a problem with men that after long time they are willing to participate (in the making of the home). But this happens after lot of damage has already been done. After which the wife will say “the time of my difficulty you were not there!” And this is valid.

(2) Let me tell you when Prophet (saw) would express his emotions, they would be genuine. The wife would know the praise I am receiving is real. It wouldn’t be there as a tool for manipulation or to meet a certain objective.

(3) And when someone makes an effort for the man to realize his errors. It snubs his ego. All the energies that should have been utilized in solving the problem are diverted to fighting with the wife. I get messages from many women, its common with one or two children they say “before it was okay but now it feels like there is no future to this relationship”. Why? How did this happen? Why is there such pessimism? This is due to not having proper communication. In outer world, men make lot of effort in developing their communication. In dealing with their wife, they think that’s her job. And I am going to repeat myself, men do realize this. But this happens after a lot of damage has already taken place.

Even children, the early days they are neglected and lack of interest by the father they feel that. Father takes on greater interest in their youth as they get older but children remember “we used to be very less important”.

Let me talk on shortcomings of women.

(1) Our actions will result in the actions of the other. If you are the same, your spouse will be the same. The first thing required is respect. By the way this applies to men as well. At the beginning of the relationship, we become frank with each other, trust is formed, sometimes we forget boundaries. We become too frank such that the other loses their esteem in our sight. One is taking advantage in the pretext of being frank with each other.

(2) Allah has created temperament of each. We women are need of training for assertive communication. Many of our challenges, “could you not see I needed this? Did you not know? Are you not able to think?” Instead, you could have mentioned it. These are frivolous expectations. Communicate it straight away and he will not mind. This form of assertive communication skills requires training, men need it as well and women need it more.

(3) What I also understand is having unrealistic expectations. He said it with emotions “I will fetch the stars from the sky for you”. She is expecting for real he will fetch the stars. Let’s think about this. He is a human just like you. He said he will keep you as a queen. When he himself is not a king, how he is he going to keep you as a queen? Women should take on responsibility and ownership of their own happiness. This deflecting of responsibility towards men “I have fallen” (is wrong).
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