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As salaamu alaykum,
Sorry this may be a long one but please reply as soon as possible. I've read so many answers to questions online but none ask the questions that I need answering it's more like a problem and I need solutions and advise.
I have suffered from serious waswasa in the past it started In October last year then stopped for a few months then started up again in January. Only in September Novermber time this year did it actually stop. The waswasa was so bad it had me constantly repeating prayers because of bad thoughts during salah telling me I did a shirk thing or if I just made a mistake and I must start again. There would be times that I would repeat just my intention like 10 times before I actually start praying and even then I would break it to start again over another issue such as when saying ameen at the end of Surah Al-Fatiha my thoughts will tell me I said ameen to something else or when I prostrate and I have images in my head you can guess what I'm trying to say but yeh those are the kind of thoughts I would get and thats just during salah bearing in mind this started happening when I was like I really want to start focusing on my salah and deen so I learned that waswasa happen in these times of us believers to distract us and the main thing that's comforted me this whole time is that when it happened to the Sahara and they mentioned it to our Prophet (PBUH) and he (PBUH) replied this is a sign of clear faith and it's mentioned that robbers don't go into empty houses to rob them something along these lines. Outside of prayer when I'm doing normal activities I'll find something wrong there too the waswasa just constantly attack me at all times during the day and from the smallest action such as itching my head or face or looking in a certain directions or sleeping in a certain way or if I want to say something it'll tell me if I talk you'll be out of Islam like what! I'm actively having these thoughts as I'm typing this I’m actually thinking how insane I must be to listen to such thoughts. If I still do the action because I don’t want to associate the action with the thought but I don’t say the words I’m not listening to the thought and I’m still a Muslim even if I do this action it will tell me I committed a grave sin this will be all the time during the day from when I want to say something to doing something I have to keep saying these words. I will literally cut my sentence off to say these words in my head to finish off a conversation cause the thoughts will just say the same thing as I mentioned before. It’s like not I’m doing since it’s literally normal everyday conversations like food or idk anything in life. How do I ignore these thoughts and not associate the actions to the thoughts cause some of these actions I cannot stop like if I’m itchy I can’t stop that cause we all know it’s hard or if I’m having a conversation I can’t keep on cutting myself off I already look like a crazy person.
This is all present time, the waswasa are back and they are getting worse by the day I find myself coming back to the same position as I was in earlier this year and it was really bad for me. I would spend hours on end in the bathroom spend ages praying the same salah and repeating it. I used to stay up at night and take hours just trying to pray 2 rakaats nafl prayer. It got to a point where my mum would literally come to keep and eye on me during the night cause I would be going crazy alone in my room by myself trying to pray two simple rakaat or waking around constantly making dua for forgiveness for listening to these thoughts I’m telling you it was bad for me even my parents and siblings would stress watching me go through this I couldn’t even pray alone I had to pray with someone like my mum to make sure I’m not constantly repeating my salah but then that was a problem because I couldn’t pray unless my mum wasn’t in the room out of fear of making the same mistakes and then I’d just keep repeating the salah if she wasn’t there because I had that attachment like me and my mum always prayed together and it helped me to not listen to the waswasa as much. So trying to get out of that routine was very hard for me praying alone again was scary and strange but Alhamdulillah after a while I was able to start praying alone again and I finally after so long I felt the sweetness of salah I enjoyed the thought of being able to stand in front of Allah with sound mind and just worship him in peace but now it’s starting up again. Whenever I raise my hand to make dua my mind will tell me that I’m doing something else instead, and when I pray and prostrate it’s the same thoughts as I explained before I need to put a stop to them before it gets that bad again I get images during salah bad thoughts. And when I try to keep going and ignore it the thoughts say that I am listening to the thought or I did an action on purpose which is shirk but I would never do that but in that moment in salah I know we are not allowed to break it because of these thoughts and we must keep going but I can’t help it I can’t help but think I can start again and make it better and ignore it but I fool myself every time cause it just gets worse and it’s a vicious cycle I haven’t got to the stage where it takes ages to complete a prayer but it’s getting to that point and I can’t do that to myself and to Allah he deserves much better worship then what I’m doing he doesn’t deserve someone who stands in front of them and think awful thoughts, I want to stand in front of Allah and be in my best state but these waswasa are stopping me from doing that.
With regard to my purity this is a whole other problem. So the past few weeks I’ve been very worried about waking up and finding discharge. I am someone who gets yellow discharge normally, whether it’s before period after period or inbetween not all the time but some months it’ll be all the time and some months I’ll get it rarely but I’ll get a lot of white discharge basically I always have discharge there isn’t a day where there isn’t. So when I had a dream where it necessitates ghusal I’ll either see thin yellow discharge or like a thick yellow discharge even if I don’t have a dream I’ll still find it necessary to do ghusal even if I didn’t have a dream what’s the ruling on this for hanafis btw. I rarely have these dream it’s happening to me mostly cause I fear that I’ll get them cause I’ll remember I had this issue earlier this year where I was constantly doing ghusal out of paranoia that I discharged whether it was during the night or even during the day. One night a week or two again I had a dream and went to the bathroom but I didn’t have any discharge but I did it anyways in case I did discharge but it just didn’t come out yet like if I needed to walk around more if that correct if I have a dream and there is no discharge at first cause I can just it and just do wudu I’m worried because what if I think leave it and then I walk for a bit and like yellow discharge comes out is that from the dream or is that normal? This is what I’m saying there a lot of overthinking going on and it’ll overtake my first judgment I’ll tell myself i definitely don’t need to do ghusal but then after the overthinking it I’m like let me do it just in case it’s getting too much. But that’s not even the worst of it, my main issue within this whole thing is purity during the day a random imagine came up on tv yesterday and I started feeling those feelings and I kept reciting Zikr and I was like eww no get these thoughts out my head cause it’s not like I enjoy these thoughts or think about it on purpose they will keep on going then I felt this feeling but I’m not sure how to describe it it’s like that feeling when you need a wee and you know you can’t go and it does that think where it almost comes out I don’t know if I’m explaining it properly it’s very hard to explain like then I’m like was that supposed to be a feeling pleasure cause idk what it’s supposed to feel like then if check anything came out. I researched this so if it’s mani it’s yellow and thin or it can be white for women but how do I know like I’ve read when pleasure ceases but how do I know if that’s pleasure like I don’t know what I’m looking for I’m feeling that feeling I explained before but it doesn’t exactly feel like pleasure so does it not count or is that the feeling cause it will stop abruptly and I feel something coming out. Or sometimes I won’t feel anything but most of the time I’ll have Madhy over such thoughts bearing in mind I’m not someone who watched porn or anything like that this always happens when the waswasa start it’s all apart of it but I’m worried what is just waswasa and what is real and how do I differentiate because I read two days ago that reading namaaz with wudu and being pure is a major sin and it can even take you out of Islam after reading that the impure thought just kept coming and I kept thinking my wudu was broken and was thinking about past incidents whether I accidentally prayed without wudu. But continuing on with what I was saying before after seeing that imagine and feeling that feeling I quickly went to the bathroom and checked so I saw like a cloudy white discharge which was either already there or came out after I saw the imagine I don’t even know at top of tissue and a thin yellow discharge on bottom tissue my thinking was right this is mani and I’ll have to do ghusal and this is happening when I started doing research on it I wanted to know what to look out for what invalidates wudu and when I started reading about mani and madhi it started happening to me more it wasn’t an issue when I don’t know about it. It’s like I’ll learn about something then I’m become so paranoid about it until it becomes my reality and I’ll just start panicking about it and it happens even more because I woke up early to do ghusal before Fajr started and I had to be strategic about it because it’s embarrassing and I live at home with parents and siblings and they’ll know why I’m showering so I performed ghusal prayed Fajr then got back into bed and then I started getting scared and started thinking what if it happens during the day and I have to keep on doing my ghusal and not even 2 minutes later these impure thoughts kept coming one after the other literally randomly and then I was sat there like no no it doesn’t count until I feel that feeling and have that discharge then literally I feel discharge come out and then feel that same feeling I went to the bathroom the find thin yellow discharge. I had to do my ghusal before zuhr finished and after I did that I kept getting a feeling because I kept getting scared of the thoughts and what if mani comes out and I have to do ghusal again and I kept going toilet and doing istinjah cause there was no yellow discharge so I was like I have to do wudu again now and I did my wudu like 4 times before I left the bathroom. And after I got out of the bathroom it kept going but I ignored it because I was said to myself that this was happening in the bathroom and every time I checked there was no mani. But there are times when I get the fear and all I’m thinking of it what if I discharge and I get this feeling it’s not arousal or maybe it is but it feels like it’s nerves and a sort of fear absolutely no thoughts of impure things but then I feel that feeling where it comes to an abrupt end and when I check sometimes it’s just thin white clear fluid like madhi but when I checked just before because it’s been happening to me all day and it happened to me just two hours ago when I went to do wudu for isha namaaz I experienced what I had just mentioned and then I checked and I saw a cloudy white discharge that looked yellow on the toilet paper but on my hands it looked white then I wiped again and it just looked white thin and sticky or maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that it is so I can pray my namaaz and not do the ghusal but I’m scared to just ignore it cause if I pray to Allah and I’m not pure and as I mentioned before the punishments and what happens if you do that I just dread to think of doing that. But as I was writing this I was getting a moment of maybe it wasn’t anything and I should just pray how do I know this isn’t another waswasa telling me to pray even though I’ve been indecisive about whether I’m pure or not because we can’t pray when we are impure like I actually going insane this is disrupting my prayers it’s disrupting my life cause now I’m like I’ll have to do my ghusal again now before I can read isha it’s too hard and I know it’s a test from Allah but how do I know when I actually need to do ghusal or not because thinking back my discharge wasn’t yellow it was only yellow on the tissue the actually discharge wasn’t white but a cloudy white or am I just trying to convince myself. I need to take control over my life back there was even a moment where I went for a drive with my mum to practice and I had zero thoughts about it because I wasn’t thinking about it and more importantly I wasn’t worried about my wudu in that moment I was more worried about my driving but as soon as I came back to the house instant thought again instant worries and impure thoughts provoke by the nothing and everything at the same time. Please advise I am in actual distress and I’m exhausted I am asked Allah for relief on this and I know that Allah accepts all duas and he gives ease I even told myself I asked Allah to help me with this and of course Allah will but it’s the thoughts I need help with the thoughts please help I am extremely desperate. Jazakallah.
