Please could you advice me. i am trying to rebuild my life after an episode of
chronic depression and mental stress. I have been in a very bad state over the
last few weeks suffering from anxiety and sleeplessness. This was caused by
thoughts that were very disturbing. I am slowly recovering now Alhanmdulillah
> I am ignoring such thoughts even when they come whilst I am praying Salaat,
Quraan e.t.c. However, I am frequently haunted by flashbacks of scenarios and
incidents that occurred whilst I was very low. Please understand that I was in
a condition of mental distress so this would cause me not to think or concentrate properly.
At times I try to say the kalimah, do zikr but at the same time my mind says shirk.
Sometimes the thoughts just come naturally as if I am saying them. Sometimes I don't even know have I uttered shirk or not. Wallahi I am certain if I did then I didn't mean it because I have felt very guilty afterwards. I am very paranoid.
One such incident was when reciting Quran when I read
the word 'rabbanaa' the image of someone else came to mind okay this was just a
thought but then i carried on praying and when the word rabbanaa came agin I
thought of that person , Now I am confused on purpose did I bring that thought
into my mind or not? I do remember that a few seconds later I felt really
guilty and said to myself how can you do that only Allah is rabb that person is
not your rabb. I do
know that I have felt guilt afterwards. Only a believer feels this guilt isn't
it not a kaafir or mushrik.. Episodes such as these just drag me back to square
one again and hamper my rehabilitation. Allah is merciful he will pardon me won't he as it is definitely a mental imbalance I am experiencing. Does my condition still fall into the category of waswasas? I don't need to re new my nikah do I? As it is impossible to keep renewing the nikah each time it happens.