Question ID: #2179
Question: Cohesion
Salaams. I am a married person with 2 children, however due space issues my wife is now sleeping in seperate room with 1 child & me in another room with the other child. I have to verily ask her to come into my room to have sex which I am getting very tired off, we do use contraceptive & she does enjoy it, but I am sick off making the first move all the time & having to wait, on some occasions she does not even enter. I have threatened her that I will go and fulfil my desire outside as sometime I go without it for upto 3 weeks. If she does not listen and does not help me fulfil my desire I know she is sinful but in this case can I justify having it elsewhere?? How can a man continue on this basis!
Answered by: Ulamaa ID 03 (UK)
Date: 08/08/2006 21:50pm

In the Name of Allah, the Inspirer of Truth.
Assalamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

Jazakallahu Khayran for your question. May Allah inspire us to answer it in the best manner.

Firstly, be convinced that it is totally Haraam (forbidden) to threaten your wife in the manner described. It is forbidden to fulfil your desire anywhere (and even to contemplate or threaten such an action) else except with your wife.

Allah Subhanahu Wa ta'ala says: “Do not come (even) near to adultery, for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road to other evils.” (Surah al-Isra, 32)
From the question, what initially strikes me as concerning is the space problem. As a matter of urgency, you must find some suitable accommodation so that you can sleep in the same room. Accommodation is the responsibilty of the husband. It really is not fair on your wife or your children to be in such tight conditions. If at all possible make an effort to move out to a better equiped house. Put yourself in the shoes of your wife for a moment and see how much stress she must be under because of this and other things. Perhaps, she is not well enough to engage in conjugal relations. Just to call your wife in your room for sex is hardly romantic. Women can find it difficult to make the first move for modesty reasons. Try and cement your relationship with your wife. Many times it happens that over the years, spouses lose interest in each other and lacklustre sets in. Courting is an important part of marriage to keep the marriage alive and kicking. Don't lose sight of this. A gift now and then. A surprise here and there keeps love buoyant. Make her feel valued and appreciate all the good works she does for you. Only through mutual love and respect, can a marriage survive the inevitable "ups and downs". Make your marriage a priority and work towards ways you can do this.

Choose an appropriate time to sit down with your wife and have a frank but polite (non-confrontation) dialog with her. Explain that you do not want your marriage to fall into an abyss and your concerns with the way the relationship is going. Also be open and ask her what is bothering her. Explain your feelings and concerns for her. I am sure she will react favourably to your polite dialog.

If you need any further clarification, please do not hesitate to contact me again.

And Allah knows Best
Wa Alaykumussalaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh

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(Mufti) Abdullah Patel
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