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MY LOVE OR NO OTHER OPTION BUT LEAVE

Last updated: 16th February 2011
Question ID: #4141
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Asalaamualaykum brother, My question is fairly long, but it is very complicated so please have patience with my question. I apologise for the length. Ya allah reward you my brother. I am in Deep love with a girl with whom i currently am maintaining a long distance relationship with. It has nearly been 1 year. I have the absolute intent of marrying her ASAP to prevent myself from sinning, however, as she is from a pakistani background and her family follow the tradition of arranged marriage to a member of the family, We both have not been able to make our relationship oblivious to the parents. As she is only 16, we both feel that telling the parents now will only resort in them claiming 'were too young' and most probably create difficulties for marriage in the future. However we are not entirely sure how her parents and the rest of her family (Uncles, Aunts) are going to take this. I myself am a person who hasn't a care for most things in life anymore since I am a loyal person who's figured that from family to friends, there isn't anyone who you can trust and rely on apart from Allah SWT, which is why, even though i am living in the Gangland of this kufr society, i am Doing my best to represent Islam and Allah SWT through my lifestyle. As a person who has given up with most things, My last option of life was to just Live for Allah SWT to the best of my abiltiy and to Die as a Martyr. I Treat this girl as if we were already married to the best of my ability. If her family reject me, as a big family full of strong people, they may possibly resort to violence, and i am not willing to appose any Muslim ever, however i have the willingness to go to any extent to marry her. If i dont recieve her, then I do not want to create any fitnah against her family as i love them as if they were my own. May you please give me some Guidance in what i should do, and please give me some reference to what the Quran says and also to what Islamic Hadiths say? Jazakallah Brother


Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Al Jawaab Billahit-Tawfeeq

Respected brother/sister

Islam has prescribed steps to success in all matters. With a clear mind, we must first take each step at a time. As you are considering this girl for marriage, have you done Istikharah? Istikharah is seeking assistance from Allah (swt). Who better to seek assistance from than our creator?

If Istikharah has been performed and the inclination is negative then we must leave the matter immediately and Allah (swt) will make matters easier for both parties as mentioned in the Istikharah Du'aa.

If the inclination is positive then we must take the approach shown to us in the Qur'aan and Sunnah which is to make a formal proposal of marriage to the girl's family. This can be done by getting a respectable family member to speak to or write to their family.

It is against Islam to force marriage within the family without giving the girl an option. You say you treat this girl as if you are married but this is the work of Shaytaan as you are NOT married and you treating her like anything but a stranger is absolutely Haraam and nothing good can come of it.

You must also realise and accept that Allah (swt) may have different plans for you which you do not know of and she may be destined to be with someone else as well as you being destined to be with someone most suitable and perfect for you. There are countless accounts of people believing in "true love" and "deeply in love" only to marry someone else and laughing at their sheer madness only a few years prior to it. It would be a huge injustice to both yourself and to the girl to firmly believe that this is the only right choice.

As for the age. Islamically, it is incorrect to believe that a mature (Baaligh) male or female is too young for marriage. An effort should still be made to nicely convey the message. How her family takes it after that is a result of their own understanding and beliefs and cannot come down to your proposal.

We must look into the stories of Sahaabah and their marriages as well as Nabi (saw)'s marriages, proposals and life as they were all lessons for us.

Also, to intend good deeds as a last resort could deprive one of reward of intentions. I must strongly and humbly suggest that priorities are set straight first and Allah willing, all matters of life including marriage will become easier.

And Allah knows best
Ulamaa
Answer last updated on:
29th June 2011
Answered by:
Ulamaa ID 06
Location: London
Maulana Muhammad