Al-jawab billahi at-taufeeq (the answer with Allah's guidance)
1) It appears that you are suffering from a medical condition that affects the balance of your thought and mind. We advise that you consult a Doctor/Physicians and once he diagnoses your illness, you should make two people your witness that you are suffering from this illness and you have no intention of divorcing your wife.
Curing Wasawis (pl. of Waswasa):
Waswasa is from the Shaitan one should treat it with contempt and pay no attention to such thoughts and do not bother. If one gives a little attention to such thoughts, the Shaytan feels honoured. It has achieved its purpose of diverting one’s mind in wrong. One should never give into that. Simply treat such thoughts with contempt and ignore them.
"We sent down in the Quran that which is a healing and a mercy to those who believe." (17:82)
Recite ‘Laa hawla walaa Quwwata Illaa Billaah’ abundantly.
Recite Istighfaar as much as possible.
Recite Ta’awudh (A’oodhu Billaah).
Recite La Ilaha IllAllahu Muhammadur Rasulullah.
Recite Muawwazatain (Surah Naas and Falaq), Surah Fatiha and Ayatul Kursi.
2) Talaq will not count. Because the question asked was not related in the context of divorce.
3, 7) Talaq will not take place. Because the mentioned metaphors are not intended to mean divorce.
4, 5) Talaq will not take effect. Because the Talaq must initiate from the husband either in verbal or written.
6) Talaq will not count. However, if one utters divorce saying like this, and uses gestures with fingers i.e. thumb, shahadah and middle fingers, then three divorce will take effect. (see more: Al Hidayah).
If a person is dumb, his Talaq will be with gestures. (Al Hidayah)
8) If one has written a metaphor which is intended for divorce and made the intention aswell, Talaq will take effect.
Thus, Talaq takes affect when it is clearly uttered or written and allusively uttered or written with the intention made at the same time. (Al Hidayah)
9) Talaaq will not take place. This is because, no thought of your wife or divorcing her was occuring in your mind rather you was just inquiring a Mas'alah with regards to Talaq.
10) If you are in doubt, Talaq will not take place.
"Al Yaqeen La Yazulu Bish Shak" (Certainty is not invalidated by doubt)
(Al Ashbah Wan Nazair Pg. 60)
Dispute between husband and wife with Talaq:http://www.muftisays.com/qa/question/3851/is-this-divorce-valid-or-not.html
11) the word 'withdraw' and 'return', if intention was made then Talaq will take effect.
12) Talaq will not count. Because, the word 'Wa Ladhwaleen' (those who went astray) does not intend to mean divorce.
The remaining questions has already been answered, please view this links:http://www.muftisays.com/qa/question/4120/single-words-of-divorce.html
And Only Allah Ta'ala Knows Best.