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Marriage

Last updated: 13th September 2005
Question ID: #772
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salams

i have been married for 6 months. i find it so difficult to trust my husband as i beleive he has not been honest with me. before our marriage he was chatting to another girl, when i confronted him he said it was a friend. He does treat me well, and shows love and affection, however i feel incomplete. i am always worried about him and his actions when i am not around him. I can not continue to go on like this as it will destroy my marriage. I try to pray and keep my mind occupied but it is difficult. Please advise me what i can do.




Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Al Jawaab Billahit-Tawfeeq

Respected Sister,

Allah SWT says in the Holy Quraan:
'Oh you who believe! Avoid suspicion as much as possible for suspicion in some cases is a sin...' (Surah Al-Hujarat, verse 12)

Nabi SAW states in a hadeeth:
'Beware of suspicions for they are the most lying of words.' (Bukhari)

'Entertaining bad thoughts about others is as unlawful as expressing them just as it is unlawful to tell another of the failings of a person, so too it is unlawful to speak of oneself of them and think badly of him.' ('Umdatus Saalik, pg. 735)

Syaithan is very cunning and sly when it comes to harboring bad thoughts about others in our mind. This is very detrimental especially when it comes to marriages. Syaithan is always trying to find the opportunity to separate the couple as he finds it one of the most triumphant feats. Thus, people tend to exaggerate in jealousy, have bad thoughts about one's spouse, have unnecessary doubts for one another, unable to trust each other etc.

As mentioned above, that incident happened before marriage whereby you caught your husband chatting to a female. Instead of getting angry, denying the whole thing totally, telling you off, using harsh words against you, alhamdulilah, he confessed to his actions and also by being honest, stated that it was a friend. Now, you are married to him and you should remember that this incident is in the past - before marriage.

You state that he is treating you well. What more can a wife ask for from a loving husband than good treatment? If he is as you said, showing love and affection, not mistreating you, then really there is no valid reason for you to be entertaining bad thoughts about him, rather seek forgiveness from Allah SWT when these thoughts come to mind.

Think about it this way: Would you like it if your husband always feels insecure about you when he goes off to work? He always thinks that you might be doing something that is impermissible with someone else? He has the thoughts of you going out seeing someone else when he's away? Certainly, your answer would be 'Of course not.'

Similarly, he would not feel loved and appreciated if you are thinking about him in an unfair manner. Ask yourself: Why are you having these thoughts about him? Have you caught him chatting to females again? Has his behavior towards you changed recently? Is he not carrying out his responsibilities as a husband should?

We cannot keep a constant look on a person's action all the time. For one thing, we will become tired by trying to achieve that as it is cumbersome and impossible. The other thing is that, we should remember that only Allah is All Knowing, All Seeing. We should acknowledge this quality of Allah by leaving matters and affairs to Allah when we have done our best and not try to bring those qualities into us as we are makhluq (creations) and Allah is the khaaliq (Creator).

When it comes to fulfilling our duties and obligations as required by Syari'ah, we should be dutiful towards them. In spite of this, if your husband does something wrong, then you will not be too frustrated and depressed due to the fact that you have done as best as you can in trying to become a good and pious wife.

One way to avert these thoughts is to recite the numerous duas and wazifa taught by our beloved Prophet SAW (eg. reciting Surah Al-Falaq, Surah An-Naas, ayatul kursiy etc.) and insya Allah, Allah will remove these bad thoughts from your mind. Also, it is highly recommended to do excessive dhikr when any bad thought comes to mind as Allah mentions in the Quraan:

'And whosoever turns away (blinds himself) from the remembrance of the Most Beneficent (Allâh) (i.e. this Qur'ân and worship of Allâh), We appoint for him Shaitân (Satan ­ devil) to be an intimate companion to him.' (Surah Al-Zukhruf, verse 36)

Try to think and ponder about the reasons why you chose your husband to be your living companion and your partner in life. Surely, there must have been various reasons why he fulfilled your criteria and should focus more on that. One fault certainly cannot outweigh the many good things you can find in your husband.

May Allah alleviate your worries and concerns.

And Allah knows best.

Wassalam.

Ulamaa
Answer last updated on:
21st January 2008
Answered by:
Ulamaa ID 10
Location: Malaysia