Naseeha - Advice

Dear Imam,



I live with my husband and his mother. We are fortunate to have a home with an in-law suite. The in-law suite has a bedroom, full bathroom, small kitchenette, and living room. While his mom keeps the door to the in-law suite closed at all times, she spends all her time in the main areas. She cooks and uses the main kitchen and sits in the main living room all day (I would never ask or expect her to use the small kitchenette, or to stay in the in-law suite, but please read on).



His mother and I have a good relationship. I take care of her. She asks me for every need. Her son would not follow through on what she would ask without extreme delays, so she now relies on me for everything she needs. I work full-time as a physician but am fortunate to be able to work from home a few days per week. I drive her to her friends’ homes, buy her groceries and other items she requests, wash and hang all her laundry, and help with her phone and other digital needs. It does become tiring; I cannot enter the kitchen for a cup of tea without receiving 3 requests from her, along with multiple comments about my behavior or eating patterns. I do my best to ignore “mother-in-law” type comments about what I eat, why I suffered a miscarriage, etc. But sometimes I just want to enjoy preparing tea, cooking, or tidying up my kitchen in peace, without being watched, analyzed, and questioned.



Since I was a child, I have always been extremely shy. I do not like praise. I want to be invisible. I am not sure if it is a cultural difference, but when I’m in the kitchen or living room doing house stuff, she sits in front of me and stares. This makes me extremely uncomfortable. I know she has no bad intentions, in fact, according to my husband, she is mesmerized by me, because I’m a physician and I know how to cook and clean and treat everyone kindly. She always says I’m the best cook and I know how to make healthy foods, and I clean better than anyone, but again this kind of attention all the time is very unwelcome for me and makes me uncomfortable.



There does not seem to be a concept of personal space or privacy. While she does not come upstairs to my bedroom (as I do not enter hers except to put away laundry), I do not feel free to cook in the kitchen like I did when she was visiting Pakistan. When I'm home, I rush to tidy up the kitchen and cook less frequently than I would like, and retreat to my room as soon as possible because I do not like being watched. I do not feel comfortable being watched and admired all the time; I’m human and make mistakes. I find that the deep admiration also leads to disappointment; when I do not have time in the moment to help her with what she needs, she will become upset, make a remark, and sit with her arms crossed looking at me from the corner of her eye mumbling under her breath. 



My father is very religious alhamdulillah and I look to him for advice. He tells me my obligation is to take care of her and treat her kindly; he also says I’m entitled to privacy as a married woman and she should know that I need time alone when I’m cooking or in the kitchen. When I tried to bring this up to my husband, the conversation was a non-starter. He became defensive and made it seem like I want to trap his mother in the in-law suite. That is not true. I have always advocated for her rights; I encouraged him to take her with us on outings and attend to her every need. I am just asking for some courtesy and space; perhaps when I come to the kitchen, she can give me some alone time (on some days at least) by relaxing in the in-law suite. The same accommodations are available there as in the main areas. I also find it very difficult to focus on work and hold work meetings when she has loud phone conversations in the main living room. I am coming up on a 2-month sabbatical, where I will be at home every day for 2 months. I am considering cancelling this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to avoid feeling suffocated here. 



I was also raised with the belief that even family members and well intentioned people can offer hasad. Since I moved into the home, I have been severely ill on and off to the point of hospitalization and numerous ER visits. I am also trying to conceive; the hormonal changes (and the shame around intercouse) make me even more introverted and private. I feel self-conscious and it makes me embarrassed to do everything (cooking, cleaning) with her watching my every move. I feel suffocated and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to seem ungrateful; I know things could be a lot worse, but I also think they could be better without violating anyone’s rights. I would never want to violate her rights; I always imagine that I could be in her exact situation in 30 or 40 years, living with my son and his wife. As such, I constantly treat her as I would want to be treated. But I also know that I would respect my daughter-in-law's shyness and let her do things without my constant watch. I feel this is basic courtesy.



Any advice would be much appreciated. JazakumAllahu Khairan.

Based on quran, sunnah and authentic ahadith (with references) can grandparents enforce decisions in the matter of their grandchildren?

E.g. my father is adamant that he will name my child. I want to information backed by Quran, Sunnah and authentic Ahadith to share the extent of what my father can suggest vs who's final authority it is in matters of one's children

If I don't accept my father's suggestion and pick a name of my choosing, would I be sinful of disobedience?

Salam alaykum,

I am struggling with these problems the past couple months and really need some advice. I am undiagnosed but suspected with Autism and placed on a waiting list by my GP, i've been diagnosed with ADHD. Part of my issues is that i struggle with sensory issues, especially with smell. My autism/ADHD symptoms became worse after a very stressful year at mosque where i was monitored inside and outside of mosque to make sure no islamic rules were broken otherwise i'd get kicked out, i feel like this depleted my emotional strength and might have induced some sort of PTSD in me.

Ever since then i've become weaker at tolerating sensory overload and have become worse at masking aspects of autism - such as lots of communication with people and i get tired very often.

my mother saw my symtpoms of constnat meltdowns and thought i was possesed by jinn and she's conacted teachers in india who confirmed her claims of me being possesed by ashiq jin - they diagnosed me through photos of my hair & my mother's mother's name . I had a session with a raqi in the uk that uses quranic ruqya, and he told me that i am not possessed as i showed no symptoms and that its autism and my mother should understand. she doesnt understand and insists that i am still possesed by a ashiq. i read surah baqarah every day but my symptoms of sensory overload dont seem to go, so im convinced it's autism.

because my mum doesnt believe in autism at all or any other mental health issues, she doesnt cater to any of my communications with her and gets angry if i tell her that i cant be in a room due to strong smells etc. I have moved out to protect my mental health, but every week i go back its the same argument. I dont know what to do, and have no one to communicate this with, i haven't told any of my friends as i'm ashamed of moving out but i had to do this as i was self harming through constant meltdowns and felt suicidal. Please can you give me some advice as the guilt is destroying me, i feel as though i've dissapointed allah greatly through moving out and my inability to have a relationship with my mother, as she doesnt understand at all despite what i tell her, and depsite me telling her i've been diagnosed, seen a raqi etc.

please i need some islamic giudance on this, i really need your help.

Alsalam Alaykom, I have a question about a dream I saw a long time ago as a child however, this dream was one I saw more than once throughout my life and I feel as though this is a reason for a lot of things that have happened throughout my life. I remember I was about 11 years old when this first occurred and I was running it was very dark I remember something or someone running after me as I turned around I was surrounded by a very large and frightening pig in which was red and around it were a lot of black dogs barking and they were very angry I woke up after this frightened and scared.

Asalamalykum.
Male here.
I recently got a random dream. I don't remember completely what was happening in the dream but the main thing i remember was, i was just running my fingers through my chest hair and most of the hair was coming out in my hands and still had good hair on my chest or i should say my upper body. and in reality I'm not that hairy but in my dream i was heavily hairy not like an animal but for a human extreme.

Salam

Since around 10 years of age I started masterbation and watching porn. This has caused me to have erectile dysfunction I am mentally and physically very weak and hollow on the inside.

I have noticed watching porn and masterbation is also leading me towards bisexuality. There is research to show watching porn can make people bisexual.

I've tried to stop watching porn and masterbation and even repented to Allah swt but even though I've erectile dysfunction I still have sexual desire towards women.

I can't get married because I've erectile dysfunction and pancreas liver issues heart and kidney issues etc.

I am also mentally very weak I simply can't handle the pressure of marriage and taking responsibility.

I have tried to get married but I fear Allah as I simply can't satisfy my wife due to ED so marriage seems out of question.

I can't watch porn or masterbate it will continue to make ED worse and I believe its causing me to become bisexual.

After I saw what porn and masterbation did to me I stopped these activities but I still have sexual desires

In the end I ended up falling into zina because if I thought if I do zina eventually I'll be able to get married as zina won't make my ED worse and as I'm not watching porn I am also saved from bisexuality


Now I have repented from zina watching porn and masterbation.

Please give me a solution to my problem I can't get married. Porn and masterbation causes bisexuality for me

zina that is major sin I don't want to do that.

What do I do I can't see any way out of this problem I'm 25 today since around I was 20 I've been asking Allah for help falling into sins repenting that falling back into sins

I asked a scholar for advise he said be patient

My question is how can I be patient?

My question is what do I do?

I feel hopeless I can't handle these sexual desires can I do zina as last resort?

Homosexuality is worse then zina so I can't watch porn or masterbate

Please make Dua for me and give me guidance jazak Allah khair

Assalamualaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu,

I hope this message finds you in the best of health and Iman. I am writing to seek your guidance on a matter that has been troubling me and someone I care about deeply. I would truly appreciate your wisdom on this situation.

A close friend of mine, who has been an atheist for a long time, has recently embarked on a journey to learn about Islam and explore faith. This has been a very challenging path for them as they come from a family that holds strict views against Islam. Despite these challenges, they completed reading the Quran in English translation, seeking peace and understanding.

However, during and after reading the Quran, they began experiencing disturbing nightmares. In these dreams, they often saw their father involved in a horrible plane crash. They would cry and try to stop him from boarding the plane, only to feel helpless and witness a terrible fate. They also described seeing the sky turn dark and feeling mocked or laughed at.

To escape these experiences, they spent a weekend at another location, but the bad dreams persisted. One particular night, their dream was interrupted by the sound of two dogs howling, after which they woke up terrified. The following morning, they found that a wild pig had entered the property and caused some destruction.

These experiences have left them feeling unsettled and questioning whether Allah (SWT) is discouraging them from coming closer to Islam. I tried to console them, explaining that bad dreams are often whispers of Shaytan and not reflective of Allah's mercy or guidance. However, as I am not a scholar, I worry about giving incorrect advice.

Could you please provide clarity and wisdom on the following matters:

How should such dreams and experiences be interpreted in light of Islamic teachings, especially for someone exploring Islam as a non-Muslim?
What advice can I give to my friend to help them persevere in their journey and overcome these unsettling feelings and dreams?
What steps can someone in their position take to find the right path to Islam, after having read the Quran but still feeling lost or troubled?
I sincerely hope you can help shed light on this matter and provide the best possible guidance for my friend. May Allah reward you for your time and efforts.

JazakAllahu Khairan

Assalamu alaikum Imam,

I hope this message finds you well. I am reaching out for some guidance on a situation I am facing regarding my upcoming marriage, insha'Allah, this December. For context, I was raised in Canada by Indonesian parents, and my fiancé, who recently converted to Islam in July, is not from a Muslim background.

Recently, my mother brought up the topic of my fiancé getting circumcised, which made me uncomfortable. I politely asked her to drop the topic, as I didn’t think it was something my parents should be involved in. However, my father took it a step further and directly asked my fiancé to get circumcised before the wedding. This has left me feeling quite shocked and uncomfortable, as I believe discussions about this matter are very personal, and I feel it’s inappropriate for my parents to be involved in decisions regarding my fiancé’s body.

I grew up without any brothers, so this topic was never really part of my upbringing, and I don’t have much understanding of how to approach it within our faith. I would appreciate your advice on how I should handle this situation with respect to my fiance (and myself) as we are both really distraught by the fact that they talked about this. How should I approach this delicate issue? My fiancé is aware on the rules about getting circumcised for male in Islam. I’m asking advice on how should I talk to my parents that this is not their decision to make or even talk about.

JazakAllah Khair for your guidance.

Best regards,
NJ

Hi, i have been wanting to convert to islam for a while now but I am unsure of the rules about covering with a hijab. Do I have to do it straight away after I accept the religion and is it a sin if I don't.
I am an 23 years old orthodox Christian women married to Muslim men. I have read a few chapters from the quran and felt such a connection with it. I would say for the most time I like to cover by body as I don't like attracting others and feel much better this way. I am just unsure which way to take but if I convert and not cover my hair straight away this feels wrong, I will be able to learn to pray, fast during ramadan and dress modestly but I am.afraid the hijab will take me longer time. What's the best path for me...

I find myself in a very specific situation that I know is considered haram, but I am seeking advice nonetheless. I have developed feelings for someone who is considering converting to Islam.

We first met a long time ago and immediately connected. However, due to his non-Muslim background, I initially ended our relationship as I believed it wasn't permissible for me to be with a non-Muslim. He assured me he would seriously look into Islam, and after some months, he indicated he was likely to convert. I trust his sincerity in this decision.

Recently, though, I've noticed significant personal challenges between us. He doesn't communicate as much as I would like, and lacks clear plans for the future, which are important to me. This contrasts with our early days together.

Despite these issues, I am certain of our love for each other. I wonder if praying to Allah and being patient could help him develop these traits, such as asking Allah to make him perfect for me so we can be happy. I also wonder if this happened because we are in a haram relationship and Allah is testing us and waiting for us to do it the right way so that we can be perfect for each other. However, I fear being unhappy in the future or misinterpreting signs that perhaps he isn't the right match for me. I don't want to realize this too late after committing further.

My mother is aware that I am trying to get to know him but has not met him and I don’t think he will be ready for that until he converts which wouldn’t happen for a while since he wants to convert genuinely. I don’t want to pressure him or nag him I’m just wondering if i should hold out hope that Allah can make us happy together or if i should move on and look for another person that is more compatible. But I love him and I don’t want to let him go.

I have prayed tahajuud and istikhara so many times for months and I still don’t know. Please advise me on what I should do in this situation.

ASA. I’m a mother of three daughters. My mom wants me to keep close contact with my sister, who unfortunately has moved away from Islam. She is an alcoholic, but my mom doesn’t know. She also sins ( like curses, eats haraam, etc.). I really feel bad that she has taken this route and refuses to see how Islam is beautiful and guides you on how to live a peaceful life. We were raised in a strict home by my mom. My parents rarely got along and so my sister disliked our early childhood life. She relates that to Islam. I’ve tried to talk with her, tried to have her listen to influential scholars, etc., but she won’t accept anything. Now the issue is that my mom wants me and my daughters to be around her because my sister is lonely ( after her divorce). I don’t want my kids to be around such behavior as she drinks in front of them and does other sinful acts. Should I tell my mom about her drinking? I don’t want to hurt my mother because she doesn’t know that my sister drinks and does other things. My mother also takes out a lot of her frustration out on me, so if I tell her, she would start getting more angry at me. So When I try avoiding my sister, my mother gets angry at me. This is one of the many issues that are going around with the family. Alhamdulillah, Allah (swt) has blessed me with a loving and caring husband and children who support me. I pray to Allah (swt) that my sister sees the truth in Islam. Jazakallah khair. May Allah ( swt) reward you for helping me with my question. Sorry for making my post long.

Assalaamu alaikum.
I'm a 23 year old girl living in a non Islamic country and who was pursuing a management degree at a local university (which is mixed with men and women and with nearly 95% of Non-Muslims). I've completed my first year of the degree, most of the part I've learnt from home and went to the exam only. There are so many haram activities. I started to feel like deviating from the way of Allah. Even when staying with non Muslim girls at hostel like listening to music, so reduced staying at hostel.
But the more I connected with the Quran and my Rabb, I realised that I'm doing something wrong. I couldn't pray on time, the degree was a distraction to my prayer and the connection with the quran. When I had to memorise the theoretical subjects, I felt the connection with the quran was affected. The more I came close to my Rabb, the more I realised that the course isn't suitable for me.I hate very much travelling by bus (the only way I could travel) which is full of men, always crowded, and probably with music on. I have a brother but it's impossible to take leaves and take me to the university. Even if he is able, he wouldn't. And my father is recovering from oral cancer.
Already I'm a victim of childhood trauma. The emotional neglect continues till now. There was always verbal violence in my home since my childhood. I always feel like I'm in deprivation of mother's love and care. The trauma affects me in my social life as well. I decided I shouldn't be like my mother to my child thus it's also a reason to drop the degree, because if not, it would be hard to me to heal myself and to learn how to be a good mother and to become a sincere servant of Allah.
Through quran I was continuously receiving warnings and to leave what I was doing. So I dropped my degree and informed my parents. I was happy regarding that decision but my family wasn't.

While these situations, the verbal abuse has increased much more. Now it's been 6 months since I've informed the decision. And yet the psychological torture isn't stopping. They (mother father brother) force me to do work. Everyday, they point out that I deserve to work. I can't even pray or recite quran freely. These people are not only against my decision but they hinder Allah, prophet and Deen as well. So continuously there is a clash between me and them.
I feel my health is going weak. This week I've had a 'hypertension crisis'. I'm experiencing brain fog and so on. If I continue to live here I may face a huge health issue.
I hope to spend my creativity in Allah's way, but I couldn't even think normally under these circumstances. From even before, so many times I've planned to do hijrah. But I don't know where to go. All of my relatives are similar to these people. Some Others seems like munafiqs to me. Because they reject the decision of dropping the degree just because of prayer and sunnah. Some close friends even can't understand my situation because I never complained before about the verbal violence or about emotional neglect to anyone. I don't know how to express exactly what I experience.

I hope you can help me by suggesting escaping ways from these situations as soon as possible.

Jazakallaahu khayr in advance.

My mother has accused me of having intercourse with my sister. She keeps on threatening to tell my dad and saying he will cut my throat. I have tried to talk reason with her but she dies not listen. My sister does not speak out at all. My uncle(mothers brother) has schizophrenia. This started 2 years ago after she gave birth to my brother. I fear for my life and reputation. I am afraid for my reputation if I ask the local imam. Please give me guidance.

i lost all my iman and im not bothered by it. i commit sin after sin with no regret. i have become a hypocrite. every ayah of the wuran regarding hypocrites relates to me. reading the quran does not increase me in iman. reading the quran actually worsens my condition. i have the same kibr as iblis.all my desire for the afterlife has faded. this is not waswasah.ive bevome jumpy bc im scared of death and the hellfire. i have no pirpose in my living and im just committing sin after sin just chasing pleasure. what can i do about this to be muslim again and to save myself from the fire?

Asslamu aleykoum sheikh,

Im a 25 year old woman. I have been proposed to twice, once when i was a teenager and once at 23. The former prospect my parents rejected as they thought i was too young and the latter there were many reasons i rejected i was clinically depressed as i haad just recovered from a psychosis and struggling with deen ( very bad time) and i was unable to work. The prospect too wasnt working , police took his papers because he was on student visa in another westrn country and it expired and wanted to settle there.I on the other hand , i already grew up in the west most of my life and i was just starting my career after studies and was more "at an advantage". I felt like i couldnt rely on this person as they would depend on me and long distance is bad to bring him here would take years. From years i have been making dua to get married. This lead to a lot of despair and further depression. Al hamdoulillah im in a much better stage now regarding my relationship with Allah, im closer to him and i feel like i dont have pain that makes me want to distance myself from him. However sometimes things people say around me trigger the feeling that i need to get married quickly and i fall into an extreme negative spiral which leads to me posting online and on apps searching frantically .It either doesnt work out or i need to reject the person always for something too. Some of the things are : old (10 plus years), follow females, im not attracted/not my type etc . I tried to sign up for halal pages but my mahrams refused to support me in chaperoning. Now im wondering does Allah swt expect me to search for a husband? i understand its rizq and Allah decides , however its very difficult for me to remain single.

I feel like my self respect has really lowered since searching. I face a lot of heartbreak even if i keep it professional. At times i appear desperate to the oppsite gender perhaps as i have been on these platforms for long, or for talking to them after having a valid reason to reject them so they disrespect me at times. A lot of the times i talk to males that are not good without realizing at first eg. criminal bakground, young men that marry much old women for papers, divorced with children , men who already have wife etc and if if hes single and young and appears well, he just wastes my time and after he meets me he says hes not attracted. Now i have stopped, i post but i dont respond due to emotional exhaustion. I feel bad im commiting sins by talking to opposite gender and want to protect my mental health and relationship with Allah. I tried the halal route . The mosque said they dont provide such service, i asked my mother to tell my dad, she said he doesnt want , i asked married friends even online friends, they say thety dont know anyone, i asked my brothers they refused as well to help. Should i just continue to ask Allah SWT for someone? I dont know if i should keep searching or just give up and continue making dua like these last few years. Please help giving me an answer. I need to feel at peace.

Asalaam-o-alaykum,
I have a problem that I�ve suffered from for the last decade since I was a young teen to now, as an adult woman. I sometimes get better but ultimately I keep �relapsing� into an eating disorder.

I feel very upset that I am unable to control the urge to binge and purge food, I feel shame and guilt for the waste and for harming myself in this way. How can I find the strength to overcome this problem? I have made dua but I would like to know what else I can and should do to be free of this mental disorder

Brother honestly this is a bit of a direct one but I need advice from someone brother since June I’ve been suffering from waswasa it was very bad before but alhamdulliah it’s gone better but it’s still there and honestly
These bad thoughts are very bad man and sometimes I say bad things by accident without any control of my tounge just comes out my out without intention bro and honestly I can’t even enjoy act of worship without having such evil thoughts making my life hard and today I just feel terrible man feeling like
I’ve done kufr shirk so much idk where to turn I’ve been patient since it first started in June waiting for Allah SWT to remove such stuff from me but it’s still here ustadh seriously what do I do I love Islam
I love Allah what do I do?

Assalamualaikum,

I was talking to a girl and became interested in her. I then decided to stop talking to her since I did not want to indulge in sin and I am not currently ready to ask for her hand eitheir. I then decided to start addressing matters that would affect me not being able to marry and am still working on them. I performed istikhara and made dua for me and her to unite if we are good for each others deen. Recently I found out that she is in talks with someone and they are potentially going to get married, alhamdulillah both her and the guy involved the parents. I understand that this is a sign from Allah that perhaps there is not good in this matter and this is a result of the istikhara and the dua I made. Ofcourse I do not know if she and the guy have gone through with the nikkah, or if there was no progress. So my first question is that am I transgressing by hoping that perhaps we will meet again. Secondly, could it be that there is no good in this matter at this moment and perhaps this matter will be good for me in the future or does it mean that there will never be good in this matter and that I should just move on. I thought about it logically and separated my desires from my thinking while deciding that I would like for me and her to meet again and perhaps we may meet again in the future.

Jazakallah khair

I had recently been in a haram relationship. The relationship ended a while back due to certain personal issues and both people agreeing that now is not the right time. We both admitted to still loving each other, and this whole situation has bought me much closer to my deen. Due to the fact that I still love her, and she was an amazing person, I still have the desire to marry her one day. I’ve been making dua endlessly for her and for us and waking up for tahajjud aswell. Although she’s stated that this is also what she desires, I don’t know if that’s what she wants, or if she is making dua just like I am for us. Please guide me on how I should proceed. Currently me and her have stopped all contact.

السلام عليكم و رحمة الله
Im married for 10 years With kids. Im a practicing muslim in regards to prayers and everything else with beard. My sexual relationship with my wife is not great. Like we engage may be once a month or two months.
For years I also have masturbation problem but in last one year I committed zina thrice. 
Every time I repent and cry to Allah but I get almost possessed by shayatan and commit this gore sin again.
I feel very low of my self. I want to be clean of these sins.
I don't know how to move on and look into the eyes of my wife and kids .. 
please help