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Kinship or Imaan?
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Link to this post Posted on 23rd August 2009 15:21
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Asalaamu alaikum.


My older brother believes that doing good is enough in order to get through life. He recently went out with a non-muslim girl and in the beginning I advised him to get married to a muslim girl. He was very angry and said that he expects me to support him since he supported me when i wanted to get married. I married a practising brother and when the conversation came up, all he said was im happy for you. He said he would be happy for me regardless if i married a Muslim, Hindu or Sikh.


As it happens after 2 months the girl broke up with him and he accused me of being happy that he's alone. He refused to return my affections e.g. if i hugged him, he would shrugg it off. i tried speaking to him for 2 days and he continued to ignore me.


After 1 month, we met and he still said that even in the future, he will get himself involved with a person as long as they love him -despite whatever religion they belong to. My parents are very upset ad hurt that my brother is increasingly falling out of the path of islam. He says he respects my religion and that i need to accept that this is who he is. He says that he discussed the issue with everyone and his friends say that your sister should keep her opinions to herself. He says that even after the break up-he's happy but wants his sister by him. I cant support him in marrying someone who is not muslim as Allah has said that we should marry of the believing men and women.


We left with him asking will i support him if he marries a non- muslim? and if i dont then our relationship is pretty much finished as he feels that im judging him and forcing him to follow 'MY' way. My husband supports me in whatever decision i make but my consciounce is not allowing me to support him and i fear that i may be breaking the ties of kinship, which is a sin in itself.


Should i support him just to uphold the kinship? or lose a brother? He has said that he will not change and that he will wait for my choice.

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Link to this post Posted on 24th August 2009 22:52
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W/salam,

In a situation such as this where it's a "pick one" option, it's simple. Allah and His Rasool comes first.

The event of Nooh (AS) not being permitted to save his own son (who rejected Allah and His messenger) from the punishment of the flood due to the order of Allah (swt) is an example for us to live by. Allah and His Rasool comes first.

I hope this helps

Wassalam
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Link to this post Posted on 25th August 2009 16:35
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Muft Muhammed Ibn Adam (of Darul Iftaa) and Muti Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf of Masjid e Quba are quite good for imparting advice in these kinda situtations. Ustadha S.Dhorat of Al Zahra Institute in Walthamstow is good also for advice.
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Link to this post Posted on 25th August 2009 19:09
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Jazakhallah khair for your replies. I have tried to contact the names mentioned but majority of them are closed for contact through out Ramadhaan.


My main concern is although I fully accept that Allah's command comes first, would I not then be guilty of breaking the ties of kinship? How will I remain contact with a brother who has made me "pick" between my faith and my blood? This question contantly keeps bothering me and I am finding it hard to focus on anything else.

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Link to this post Posted on 26th August 2009 01:59
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would I not then be guilty of breaking the ties of kinship?
It is not you who gave the choices to choose between right and wrong. Ties between relations are unfortunately shaky in many households and many of them without reason. Some simply break ties because they didn't get an invitation card for something or even pettier things than that.

You have a genuine valid Shar'ee reason. As a Muslim, he should know what he is asking from you and you should remind him that he is making you choose between Islam and him. He should be made wary of that and if Allah wills then it will be sufficient for him to reconsider. There is only so much you can do or say. We must not forget that "Allah guides whomsoever he wishes and he leads astray whomsoever he wishes (Qur'aan)" - it is not in our hands.

The answers to your questions are relatively simple and straight forward and can be addressed by good practicing Muslims. A scholar is not required as the Halaal and Haraam implications in the problem are clear. However, if you still feel like you need to speak to someone such as those mentioned by daywalker then it may help further.

Wassalam
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Link to this post Posted on 10th August 2011 11:59
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Asalaamu alaikum.

Even though I started this discusssion some time ago, things have happened that resulted to many broken hearts and hopes.

My brother eventually left my parents home and decided to live his own life, his own way as he says because he doesnt fast or pray, he his therefore not a muslim. He continues to visit every weekend but the hurt cant be buried as my dad cant bare to look at him and my mother finds peace in seeing him and feeding him meals even when everyone else is fasting.
This happened on the first fast of Ramadhaan and since then my parents have been very distraught. All I ask from my brothers and sisters in Islam is to make Dua for my parents and others who have lost their children and pray that those children find the true path of Islam or forever be lost in this dunya with no happiness and no hope. Also to pray for the healing of the hearts that have bled for their children.

Jazakhallah for those who have replied to this post as the messages have been comforting in these times of grief.
Wasalaam
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Link to this post Posted on 11th August 2011 02:07
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Sister, May Allah give him hidaya and make him follow the right path ameen. I know what you are probably going through because I too underwent something of the same kind although not same that I can call it but still. I was a christian myself and when I accepted islam at the age of 18 (after I lost my parents), I had to take care of myself and earn my own living. Then finally when I went back to india thinking my brother and his wife will support me, so what if I am wearing a hijaab, so what if I am offering my salah after all they cant disown me. But to my astonishment they did disown me and actually threw me out of the house in the middle of the night. I had no place to go so had to spend two nights all alone in the waiting room.Anyways managed to find a house to stay and a job to begin with. I tried calling them again just to get close to them and they snapped at me saying that they have nothing to do with me. Then i got married and called them again and they toldme they are ready to talk to me or call me home only if i dont wear a hijaab while visiting them or ofer my salah in their house. This shattered me totally, because I had the option to either follow what Allah says or to get back my folks by following what they said. Alhamdullilah I chose the former and am very happy no regrets . The only regret is that they are no more now. So couldnt get to even see them in their last days of life. So sister, my conclusion is it may be very very very dificult to hold on to imaan putting kinships at stake but the end result is going to be very nice inshallah. Tell your mother to recite after every fardh namaz this ayat 3 times rabbana hablana minazwajina wazurriyaatina qurrata aiyyuniu wa jaálana lil muttaqeena imama.
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Link to this post Posted on 11th August 2011 09:38
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Dear sisterR
assalaamu 'alaykum ww
May Allah subhaanahu wata'ala guide your brother and all brothers and sisters in the same situation to the right path, aameen. Your parents' du'a will insha Allah not go unheard! May they find peace and comfort through your brother becoming the coolness of their eyes.
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Link to this post Posted on 11th August 2011 11:03
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ameen.
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Link to this post Posted on 14th August 2011 11:12
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Asalaamu alaikum sisters.
JAzakhallah for your kind words and dua's. My parents are at this point in a confusion as he comes home every weekend and my mum feels obliged to feed him as he is her son. I can understand that being a other mother myself but I feel that the injustice with which he left my parents, based on him neglecting Islam, and then coming over to eat seems some what ridiculous. He needs to realise that by denying Islam, he needs to be denied certain priviledges (maybe thats me being bitter because I know him and how manipulative he can be.) In the end I told my parents that they need to decide how to handle the situation, he left, his choice but to leave saying that he refuses Islam shouldnt be taken so lightly. I truly believe that once he finds the beauty and Nur of Islam then he himself will come to my parents doorstep. Until then, dua's and above all Allah's will shall decide the future for us.
Once again, please do continue with your dua's for us all, Inshallah and may the blessings of Ramadhaan continue to shower on us all, Ameen.
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Link to this post Posted on 14th August 2011 12:52
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May Allah(SWT) lead him to the right path of Islam and may allah (swt) make him die as a muslim.
Ameen.
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ameen
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Link to this post Posted on 15th August 2011 11:11
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Ameen
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Link to this post Posted on 8th September 2012 11:09
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Asalaamu alaikum brothers and sisters

I find that writing in this forum, helps to calm my nerves and helps me clear my head. Its been over a year since I last spoke to my brother. He's stated to my parents that he doesnt mind seeing me and respects me as a Muslim and feels that I should accept him for who he is. Now Im on a pedestal because my parents are accepting the whole situation of him leaving, leading his life the way he is and praying that he changes (they haven't given him any dawah as they fear it will pull him away even further-even though he's already living in another place).

There has been many moments when I think about him and miss his company, I want to speak to him but I know the hurtful words will come back. I don't fear giving him dawah but the straight refusal, him being adamant that he is right is too much for my heart to take. I keep getting this feeling (from myself and my shaitaan) that I am breaking my ties but if I still love him, pray for him, how is that so?

Now I'm a mother of 2 children and I know that if I accept my brother back into my life (not that he's contact me recently), he'll want to see my kids and he'll want to impose some of his so called independent thinking on them, which I cant allow. My children are my responsibility and my husband would not be happy with his involvement..I know that if I told my brother that he cant see the kids then it would lead to further disputes!

I pray for Allah to give me guidance on what to do and how to manage my feelings as I'm fighting between my love for my brother, my faith and my ties.

Jazakhallah to all for their dua's.

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Link to this post Posted on 8th September 2012 12:07
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Salaam sister and may Allah make it easy for you.

What I am about to say is just my own personal opinion from what I understand, If I am incorrect please correct me and forgive.

"He is no longer your brother, as your brothers in the eyes of Allah have Imaan, if he has no Imaan, he is not one of yours. Trying to give Dawah is one thing, and most probably the best thing to do, however, I wouldn't advice you to let your children meet with him or know about him. There is a great chance they will learn to love him and start to accept his views out of love and affection. I have seen nice young people being led away from the deen by their own parents simply because the parents want to show their Britishness and anti (old fasioned) Islamic views yet at the same time believe in the One Allah and frown upon the Sunnah. Personally I would let it lead to further disputes as that would be an indirect Dawah approach, a bit like a debate where inshaAllah the truth prevails and some sense might get knocked back in. The best thing to do is wake up Tahujjud and make Dua for him and the whole family with pure sincerity, InshaAllah. Allah is all Hearing and All Knowing."
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