These are some jokes from a book called ''Disorder in the American Courts'', and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam..........?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20............. much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney...... Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.............
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was definitely dead by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive......... and practicing law
"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."
"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."
"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
"Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."
"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."
"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."
"Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."
"Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."
"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
"Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak."
"Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."
"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."
"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."
"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."
"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."
"Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."
"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."
"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."
"Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."
"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."
Lawyer:"Do you drink when you're on duty?"
*.Witness:"I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
*.Lawyer:"What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness:"She is my daughter."
Lawyer:"Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
Lawyer:"When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer:"Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
*.Lawyer:"How old is your son, the one living with you?"
.Witness:"Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
.Lawyer:"How long has he lived with you?"
*.Lawyer:"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
*.Lawyer:"What happened then?"
.Witness:"He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
.Lawyer:"Did he kill you?"
*.Lawyer:"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
*.Lawyer:"So you were gone until you returned?"
*.Lawyer:"The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
*.Lawyer:"Were you alone or by yourself?"
*.Witness:"He was about medium height and had a beard."
.Lawyer:"Was this a male or a female?"
*.Lawyer:"Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
.Witness:"I went to Europe, sir."
.Lawyer:"And you took your new wife?"
*.Lawyer:"I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
.Lawyer:"Were you present when that picture was taken?"
*.Lawyer:"Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
*.Lawyer:"Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
.Witness:"I'll be three months on November 8."
.Lawyer:"Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
.Lawyer:"What were you doing at that time?"
*.Lawyer:"How many times have you committed suicide?"
*.Lawyer:"Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
*.Lawyer:"She had three children, right?"
.Lawyer:"How many were boys?"
.Lawyer:"Were there girls?"
*.Lawyer:"You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
*.Lawyer:"You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
.Lawyer:"And these stairs, did they go up also?"
*.Lawyer:"Have you lived in this town all your life?"
*.Lawyer:"Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
.Witness:"It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
.Lawyer:"And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
*.Lawyer:"What is your brother-in-law's name?"
.Lawyer:"What's his first name?"
.Witness:"I can't remember."
.Lawyer:"He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
.Witness:"No. I tell you, I'm too excited."(rising and pointing to his brother-in-law)"Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
*.Lawyer:"What is your marital status?"
*.Lawyer:"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
.Witness:"All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
*Lawyer:"Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
.Lawyer:"Before or after he died?"
*.The Court:"Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
*.Lawyer:"Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
.Lawyer:"What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
.Witness:"Picking them up in the air."
.Lawyer:"Where was the dog at this time?"
.Witness:"Attached to the ears."
A king had a servant whom he favored because of his intellect. He however did not like the fact that he smoked. Once whilst on a tour through some tobacco fields the king noticed that even the donkeys were not eating the tobacco. He said to his servant, "look, even donkeys don't go near tobacco". The servant replied, "yes sir, donkeys never use tobacco"!
It happened in munsif magistrate court in my town:
A witness. who was an illiterate villager. used a (pure-rustic-dialect) word ''Chahora'' in court. The lawyer asked its meaning. The witness stopped for a moment and turned towards the magistrate and said, '' Sir, Look.... You've parents. Suppose your mother divorces your father and she marries to me and you come with your mother, then you'll be called my ''Chahora''
I was caught on Camera speeding so I challeneged it in Court.
I went to the Court representing myself. The magisterate asked me are you sure you dont want a Solicitor, I am sure I said!
The Police brought in the expert who calibrated the Camera that morning and Police Soilicitor questioned him for 20 minutes about technology and how he calibrated the Camera etc. They turned him to me then.
I asked him:
1) Are you married? 2) Do you love your wife? 3) Do you buy her gifts? 4)Do you buy from ebay or shop?
The witness got irritated, the Police solicitor asked the Magistrate to stop my questioning becauase it was irrelevant to the case, Magistrate asked me to explain my line of questioning!
I said I wanted to demonstrate wasting time! Where have I challenged IT, the Camera or the calibration?
This witness and the Police Solicitor hss wasted and Magisterial time by arguing over something which is not even under discussion! Prove that it was me driving and not the Camera taking pictures.
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says:"You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: -"But I am not a New Yorker!""Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers."But I am not an American!" – says the man."Oh, what are you then?" The man says: -"I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says:"Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog
The verbal rivalry between, Ustad zauq and Mirza Ghalib are legendry and well known in Urdu poetry realms.
Ghalib once sneered at Zauq commenting that his only claim to fame was his Royal connection :
Hua hai sheh ka musaahib, phirey hai itraata
(Having become the King’s companion he moves around with arrogance)
The Ustaad made a strong complaint to the Emperor. In the next mushaira at the Fort, Bahadur Shah Zafar asked Ghalib if he had actually made this comment. Ghalib admitted its authorship but added that the comment was not on Zauq ; it was the first line (misra) of the last couplet (maqta) of his latest Ghazal. The Emperor asked him to recite the whole maqta and Ghalib immediately turned the tables on himself :
Hua hai sheh ka musaahib, phirey hai itraata / Wagar na sheher mein Ghalib ki aabroo kya hai
(Having become the King’s companion he moves around with arrogance /
Lest what reputation does Ghalib command in the city ?)
He received a tremendous applause from the audience but Zauq understood that Ghalib had just come up with the second misra. He insisted that Ghalib be asked to recite the entire Ghazal. There was none. Thus was composed, on the spot
During May, 1857, when the Sepoy Mutiny was at its peak, Ghalib went to a friend of his in Meerut, who was a Subedar by family tradition and owned many mango orchards in Meerut and Saharnpur.
Once during the afternoon, Ghalib felt the urge to eat mangoes. That was not the time for the fruit to get ripened as most of the varieties in northern India ripe in the sweltering heat of June. While
Ghalib was just gazing at the kachcha aam (unripe mangoes), a British soldier saw Ghalib and without ado arrested him.
In fact that area was densely populated by Muslims who revolted against the British. The poet was taken to the Meerut Kotwali after arrest. In those days Hindus and Muslims used to wear almost similar clothes.
When he reached the police station, the military governor Colonel Burn asked Ghalib:
‘Are you a Muslim?’
Ghalib was witty and his friend confirmed his presence of mind was par excellence. He replied:
‘ I am only a half-Muslim.’
‘What exactly do you mean by that? Be clear,’
said Col. Burn.
‘By that I mean Sir, that I take liquor but I do not touch pork!’
Hearing this, Col. Burn burst out laughing and let him off advising him not to mix up with the rioters.
This cannot be undone and I am sure it will be greatly appreciated.
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