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#46 [Permalink] Posted on 12th January 2011 15:59
An elderly lady was well-known for her Iman and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say Alhamdulilah "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer" Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Alhamdulilah, Allah be praised!." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "ALHAMDULILAH WA SHUKRILLAH". He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"
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#47 [Permalink] Posted on 12th January 2011 16:00
"When I was in the desert," said Nasruddin one day, "I caused an entire tribe of horrible and bloodthirsty bedouins to run."

"However did you do it?" asked a person.


"Easy. I just ran, and they ran after me."
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#48 [Permalink] Posted on 12th January 2011 16:02
An Imam was selling his horse in the market. An interested buyer came to him and requested if he could get a test drive. The Imam told the man that this horse is unique. In order to make it walk, you have to say Subhanallah. To make it run, you have to say Alhamdulillah and to make it stop, you have to say Allahu Akbar. The man sat on the horse and said Subhanallah. The horse started to walk. Then he said Alhamdulillah and it started to run. He kept saying Alhamdulillah and the horse started running faster and faster. All of a sudden the man noticed that the horse is running towards the edge of the hill that he was riding on. Being overly fearful, he forgot how to stop the horse. He kept saying all these words out of confusion. When the horse was just near the edge, he remembered Allahu Akbar and said it out loud. The horse stopped just one step away from the edge. The man took a deep breath, looked up towards the sky and said Alhamdulillah!
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#49 [Permalink] Posted on 12th January 2011 16:06
True Incident: The incident took place in South Asia. A man was offering salah in his house. He was praying as fast as he could as many of us do. All of a sudden, he heard the door behind him open. Since, someone entered the room, he started making his ruku and sujud longer. Upon completion of the salah, he looked back to see who it was. To his amazement, it was a dog!
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#50 [Permalink] Posted on 12th January 2011 16:07
Two men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to have some fun, started talking loudly. "My boss is sending me to Saudi Arabia", the one said, "But I don't want to go...too many Muslims there!" The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable. The other guy laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I refused...WAY too many Muslims!" Smiling, the first man said, "One time I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!" The couple fidgeted. The other guy responded, "Oh, yeah...you can't go ANYWHERE to get away from them...the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them too!" The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why you'll never see me in Indonesia...WAY too many Muslims!" At this, the Muslim man turned around and responded politely, "Why don't you go to Hell?", he asked, "I hear there's not very many Muslims THERE!"
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#51 [Permalink] Posted on 17th January 2011 16:27
I came accross this by accident, no joke!. It is quite good. Good to know.

Rules of Joking in Islam


Some people joke too much and it becomes a habit for them. This is the opposite of the serious nature which is the characteristic of the believers. Joking is a break, a rest from ongoing seriousness and striving; it is a little relaxation for the soul. 'Umar ibn 'Abd al-'Azeez (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: "Fear joking, for it is folly and generates grudges."

Imaam al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: "The kind of joking which is forbidden is that which is excessive and persistent, for it leads to too much laughter and hardening of the heart, it distracts from remembrance of Allaah, and it often leads to hurt feelings, generates hatred and causes people to lose respect and dignity. But whoever is safe from such dangers, then that which the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to do is permissible for him."

Sa'd ibn Abi Waqqaas said: "Set a limit to your jokes, for going to extremes makes you lose respect and incites the foolish against you."

The amount of joking should be like the amount of salt in one's food.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Do not laugh too much, for laughing too much deadens the heart." (Saheeh al-Jaami', 7312)

'Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: "Whoever laughs too much or jokes too much loses respect, and whoever persists in doing something will be known for it."

So beware of joking, for it "causes a person to lose face after he was thought of as respectable, and it brings him humiliation after esteem."

A man said to Sufyaan ibn 'Uyaynah (may Allaah be pleased with him), "Joking is not right, it is to be denounced." He replied, "Rather it is Sunnah, but only for those who know how to do it and do it at the appropriate time."

Nowadays, although the ummah needs to increase the love between its individual members and to relieve itself of boredom, it has gone too far with regard to relaxation, laughter and jokes. This has become a habit which fills their gatherings and wastes their time, so their lives are wasted and their newspapers are filled with jokes and trivia.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If you knew what I know, you would laugh little and weep much." In Fath al-Baari it says: "What is meant by knowledge here has to do with the might of Allaah and His vengeance upon those who disobey Him, and the terrors that occur at death, in the grave and on the Day of Resurrection).

Muslim men and women have to be inclined to choose righteous and serious friends in their lives, who will help them to make good use of their time and strive for the sake of Allaah with seriousness and steadfastness, good and righteous people whose example they can follow. Bilaal ibn Sa'd said: "I saw them [the Sahaabah] jokingly pretending to fight over some goods, and laughing with one another, but when night came they were like monks."

Ibn 'Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) was asked, "Did the Companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) laugh?" He said, "Yes, and the faith in their hearts was like mountains."

So you have to follow the example of such people, who were knights by day and monks (i.e., devoted worshippers) by night.

May Allaah keep us, you and our parents safe on the Day of the Greatest Terror, those to whom the call will go out on that great Day:

"Enter Paradise, no fear shall be on you, nor shall you grieve"

[al-A'raaf 7:49 - interpretation of the meaning]
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#52 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd January 2011 17:36
This is one that I didnt realy like, but any way:

A Gross, but nonetheless remarkable final example of such foolishness. The man states "Once I went to the toilet at night when all of a sudden the light went off. I began to lick the ground to find where the toilet was. After some licking, I finally found it."
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#53 [Permalink] Posted on 27th January 2011 22:40
Dont waste Money on a Wall!!

The Ameer of the town appealed for funds to build a wall around the cemetry. The Mulla, who was also prsent got up and responded: "There is absolutely no need for any wall around the graveyard!"

When the ameer asked why, The Mulla responded: "Because those who are inside cannot escape and those who are outside would not like to go there. Why waste money?"
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#54 [Permalink] Posted on 29th January 2011 13:40
Jazakallah.. thought I'd add one here as topic has disappeared from forum due to last post being removed (needs sync)

During a Q&A session, the scholar was asked, "Will we get cigarettes in Jannah?"

He replied, "Maybe, but you'd have to go to Jahannam to light it"
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#55 [Permalink] Posted on 29th January 2011 14:23
Three reasons why a woman buys something

Someone asked Mulla: "When does a woman buy something?"

Mulla: "She buys somethinng when no one else has it so she has it exclusively; or when everyone else has it so she is not left behind; or it is very expensive and so she could brag and people could say sha has a high taste".


(OK this ones not very good, but, nice one Maulana Yasin, just as well I dont smoke)
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#56 [Permalink] Posted on 29th January 2011 14:39
Quote:
Mulla: "She buys somethinng when no one else has it so she has it exclusively; or when everyone else has it so she is not left behind; or it is very expensive and so she could brag and people could say sha has a high taste".
Nice one, I'd probably add to that to include every possibility

A woman buys something when no one else has it so she has it exclusively;
or when everyone has it so she doesn't feel left out;
or when it's really expensive so she can brag about her high class;
or when it's really cheap so she can brag about her shopping skills

In other words, she'll buy it no matter what and she'll have a reason for it.
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#57 [Permalink] Posted on 4th February 2011 10:43

Whats for Dinner?

A common conversation.

Aaj khane mein kya banaogi? What will you cook tonight?

Husband: Aaj khane mein kya banaogi? What will you cook tonight?

Wife: Jo aap kaho !!! What ever you say!!!

H: Dal chawal bana lo. Make Rice with Dal.

W: Abhi kal hi to khaye the. We had it yesterday.

H: Toh sabji roti bana lo. Then make some vegtables.

W: Bacche nahi khayenge. The kids wont eat it.

H: Toh chhole puri bana lo. Then make chickpeas with puri.

W: Mujhe heavy heavy lagta hai. I find that too heavy to eat.

H: Paraanthe? Paratha?

W: Raat ko paraanthe kaun khata hai?? Who eats Parathas at night??

H: Hotel se mangwa lete hain? We'll order somthing?

W: Roz-roz hotel ka nahi khana chahiye. Its not good having take aways everyday.

H: Kadhi chawal? Spicy Yoghurt with Rice?

W: Dahi nahi hai. Theres no Yoghurt.

H: Idly sambar? Traditional Gujarati dish, Idli Sambar?

W: Usme time lagega.pehle bolna chahiye tha na!!. That will take too long, you shaould have said that earlier!!.

H: Dal hi bana lo, usme time nahi lagega. Make lentil soup, that wont take time.

W: Woh koi meal thodi hai? Thats not a meal?

H: Phir ab kya banaogi? So waht will you cook tonight?

W: Wo jo aap kaho !!! What ever you say!!!

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#58 [Permalink] Posted on 18th March 2011 10:47
Whos an Idiot?

Mulla bought some sweetmeats from a shop. When he came out of the shop, he found a group of idiots laughing for no reason. He went to them and challenged them thus:
"Guess what is in the Packet. If you guess right, I will make over this packet to you."
The Idiots said: "We dont know".
Mulla: "Try again. If anyone guesses right I will give him all the sweetmeats in the packet".
Idiots: "We already told you we dont know! Are we Allah to know of the Unseen?"
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#59 [Permalink] Posted on 22nd March 2011 13:12
Yazid Bin Thar Waan lost his camel and announced whoever finds it will recieve ten camels in reward. Somebody pointed out to him that this was a foolish proposition. He replied, "No! You get a Buzz when you find something."

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#60 [Permalink] Posted on 28th March 2011 12:18
Abu Hasan relates that a man said to Hija "I heard a loud noise comming from your house."

He replied "It was the sound of my falling shirt".

The man exclaimed "The sound of your falling shirt was so loud?"

He replied "When I was inside the shirt, would I not have fallen with it?"
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