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My husband is disrespecting my mum for no reason.

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#1 [Permalink] Posted on 18th January 2019 14:41
My husband has all of a sudden started disrespecting my mum. He calls her unmentionable words that make me feel sick. He doesn't allow her to come and see our son and he doesn't allow me to visit her. For the past few months it's all he wants to say to me about how my mum is a b****. My mum who took us in when we had no where to live, gave us food, bought us everything for our new baby, washed our clothes and never asked for anything in return. Who does nothing but respect us and care for us and always think about us.
He says she treats him like a baby who can't speak and says she is talking about his family behind his back. This is completely untrue. Every time i ask for an example he just says why do I have to tell you, i just know. My mum would be inconsolable if I told her these things because she loves him and would do anything for him. I don't know what to do but I can't carry on listening to these words of the woman who raised me.
Please help me. I want to tell his mum but he will be angry with me if I do because he knows he is wrong.
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#2 [Permalink] Posted on 18th January 2019 15:30
Salaam Sister,

It is a difficult situation and you should seek advise from local Ulama and family members.

There are some advices here which may also help islamqa.info/en/answers/482/wife-complaining-of-husbands-...

You could try and talk to your mother too, ask her to change her ways slightly. At least she won't tell him of any complaints from you like his mother could.

Sometimes, when a mother is trying to help, she unintentionally makes things worse because they don't see it from the eyes of others. This is natural.

From the link above:
The Prophet (saw) said: "How wonderful is the situation of the believer, for everything is good for him, and this applies only to the believer. If something good happens to him, he gives thanks for it, and this is good for him; if something bad befalls him, he bears it with patience, and this is also good for him."

Hope that helps
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#3 [Permalink] Posted on 18th January 2019 15:37
Asalam o Alaikum

I am saddened after reading this. This is not just. Without Islam, Salah, Dhikr and Sunnah ways, our hearts get hard and we become animals. I can only say that you should offer tahajjud prayer and ask for Allah's help. Insha Allah He will instill a solution in your heart.

I would also advise you to take an indirect approach. I am a man and men have their egos and they don't tolerate if the weak want to advise them. I think you should listen to a good tafsir of quran like Bayan ul Quran of Dr.Israr Ahmed on TV or PC so that other members of your family along with you can listen to it. Or just try to read from Fadhail e Amaal and ignore your husband when he talks rubbish. Maybe by this attitude it may soften his heart and he may realize his mistake. I know you may dislike me by saying it but try to be a gentle wife despite of his attitude. It is possible that your tolerance can change him one day. If you will try to convince him, he will get more aggressive. Trust me on that. You don't convince a lion. You tame it.

I would relate you three stories.

1. A drug addict married her daughter (who was an alima) to a Shia and took money in exchange of her to buy drugs. His daughter worked slowly and wisely on her husband and one day he became a Sunni.

2. Once a woman came to Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi Rh and told him that her mother in law always fights with her so she requested a taweez from him. He gave her a piece of paper and asked her to bite it tight whenever her mother in law argues with her. He also cautioned her that if she lets the piece drop then it will loose the effect. She acted as she was told and whenever her mother in law would start arguing she would bite that paper tight. Because her mouth would get occupy, she would be unable to respond. After some days when her mother in law and sister in laws noticed that she doesn't give response to their negative remarks, they started cooling down and after some more days, they started liking that their daughter in law and would praise her calm attitude. This resulted in changing a house full of fights and anger into a house where everyone would respect and love. It's difficult to hold your tongue when you are very angry but trust me it makes a HUGE difference.

However, in order to calm your inside down, keep extensive dhikr and nawafil and recitation of Quran and durood. The noor of your amaal will spread in your house and convert it into a home as shaitaan will run away. Also abstain from those things which Allah dislikes.

3. A man was upset with his abusive wife and was on the verge of divorcing her. He went to some tablighi brothers and told them the situation. They advised to adopt the sunnah of Salam and durood when entering his home. He said that he had tried many things but nothing could make her wife behave. They replied to try this. When he adopted this practice, and said salam to his wife while entering his home. After some days, his wife fell to his feet and asked for his forgiveness and apologized for her behavior.

Trust me! Sunnah amaal even if small sunnahs have a lot of power in them. Humans can spiritually and psychological evolve with the right kind of environment and conditioning. Do the right actions and this may have a positive effect upon the people around you.

Also remember that this life is a test for us and if all our efforts fail then we should realize that this is the Qadr of Allah and then ask Sabr from Him.

Note:

If you think that my comment was un-necessary and it was useless then please tell me and I will immediately delete it.
May Allah help you in these times of difficulty.
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#4 [Permalink] Posted on 18th January 2019 15:41
How can I forget my secret!

Recite Astagfirullah non stop and Allah will open the doors you could not even imagine.

Tried and tested, Alhumdulillah.
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#5 [Permalink] Posted on 18th January 2019 18:05

Ayeshaf95 wrote:
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May Allah Ta’ala grant you success and happiness in this world and the next (Ameen).

You can try whatever has been said in this thread and then come back in a few months and give feedback and we will take it from there.

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#6 [Permalink] Posted on 18th January 2019 18:34
Ayeshaf95 wrote:
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Sister find out why he is angered with your mother. It’s unfair that he is being abusive because of his issue with her.

Once you find out you can work towards resolving issue. Maybe it’s due to misunderstanding or miscommunication between them which could easily be resolved between a discussion between them.

Whatever good your mother has done for you both her reward lies with Allah.

If you inform your mother of the abusive language it will create unnecessary worry and animosity between her and your husband. Work towards creating a tolerable relationship between them. They don’t need to love each other but to be civil is the utmost they can do as Muslims this will be up to them and not you.

Some women have a habit of informing either the husband or mother of what is being said with each which causes further friction.

If your husband generally has an issue with his temper then he needs help in working towards managing his anger better. Ignoring it will only allow his behaviour to worsen towards others and yourself. May Allah make it easy for you and grant your husband peace of mind. Aameen
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#7 [Permalink] Posted on 18th January 2019 18:58
Or maybe the guy is being taunted by his friends about where he lives. He wants his own space. It's normally the other way round, but in this case you are not with your mother in law, he is!

He doesn't want to be dictated to, he wants to be the man of the house, he wants to be the one wearing the trousers.

Maybe your mum is saying honest thinks like the way she gives him love, food and so on and that's what she says to others. But her intention is to show her love, but those whom she's telling are spicing it up creating fitna.

Try and ask him what he's heard, and explain it away from a loving and caring point of view rather than letting him believe that he is being ill spoken of.
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#8 [Permalink] Posted on 18th January 2019 19:06
^ All good advice Alhamdulillah but please note that this is a very delicate matter and he does need attention based on his language towards his mother in law. Anger and pride is one thing but disrespecting to this extent means a scholar should be approached with the full situation from both.

The following is spot on
abu mohammed wrote:
It is a difficult situation and you should seek advise from local Ulama and family members.


abu mohammed wrote:
Sometimes, when a mother is trying to help, she unintentionally makes things worse because they don't see it from the eyes of others. This is natural.
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