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#1 [Permalink] Posted on 10th November 2016 12:14
Bismillah.

Alot of children are left emotionally scarred from bullying the trauma of which can impact their life, their studies and emotional well being and the effects can last well into Adult Hood some never emotionally recover, we had a muslim child in Uk who committed suicide a few months ago because of the Bullying. The Bullying can be frenzied and relentless it sometimes takes place in School and at other times at evening classes in the Masjid or even both.

In Sha Allah Parents need to be vigilante and look out for signs, because most often the children keep the trauma of what they are going through to themselves.

The following is one very moving account by a Brother who went through Bullying.

Giving Up on Life at the Age of 12

By Mohammad Zafar


I distinctly remember an incident that had a lasting impact on me when I was around 11 or 12 years old. I was with my family staying at our cousin’s apartment while my cousin was outside in the hall with some friends. I, of course, stayed inside, not wanting to invite myself. By chance my cousin came and asked if I wanted to join him and his friends. I was hesitant at first but deep down really wanted to come, so I eagerly—yet nervously—tagged along. As I stepped outside the door I still remember smiling uneasily, wanting to just feel accepted and enjoy hanging out with others.

But as the door opened, my initial awkward smile quickly disappeared. I had barely taken a step outside when one of the boys saw me and immediately made a rude remark at my appearance, essentially mocking me in front of everyone else. It was complete rejection at a young age—at an age when one cannot make sense of one’s surroundings. He made fun of my nose which, as a result of an unsuccessful surgery at age 6, now appeared deformed. My family would tell me they barely noticed it but virtually everyone else and kids at school who constantly made fun of me seemed to see it just fine.

I did not want my cousin’s friends to make fun of me. I had enough people doing that to me in school. Extremely upset and disappointed, I hung my head down, not even bothering to look straight, and cussed back at the boy. He returned the favor. As we continued to exchange extensive grade 5 vocabulary insults, at some point I decided not to talk to anyone anymore and simply made my way into the apartment.

I wanted to be in a place where people at least put up with how I looked even if they disliked it. So I entered the apartment and went into the corner of one of the rooms, feeling embarrassed of how I looked, who I was, and what purpose I was serving on this cold planet. This was not a one-time incident; by now I was used to hearing insults, but I could not adjust to the pain those insults brought with them.

But much to my surprise, the kids in the hall had all come back. The older brother of the boy who made fun of me came to apologize. He insisted his brother was an “idiot” and wanted me to come back and join them. I just kept saying “No, no. It’s okay, I’m not upset. I just don’t want to.”

Finally everyone left and there I was alone. Alone–a place that always welcomed me.

The incident left a very sour taste in my mouth. This was not like those days when a kid at my school would throw a basketball at the back of my head to make others laugh or laugh himself. It was not like those days when I would be at a wedding while adults stared at me with what seemed like pity and sometimes even disgust. It was not like those days when my best friend would make fun of me to raise his status amongst the cool kids at school. No, this time the pain felt different.

All I wanted to do that night was belong to a group that accepted me for the way I was and the way I looked. I could not change my appearance; I just wanted to feel welcomed, play with the guys that night and feel a part of a group for once. I did not want to be alone. I did not want to be left out.

I had tried and tried to fit in on many occasions before, but since I could not change my appearance, I was rejected again and again. And the more effort I put into fitting in, the worse the rejection felt. So it was at this point where I told myself, “I don’t want to try anymore.”

This is a moment I hope no one, especially those who are young, ever succumbs to. I did not want to try anymore, and I really meant it. Essentially I gave up on life. I gave up on people. I gave up trying to look for good in this world. I even gave up thinking there was any good in this world. For people like me—I convinced myself that night—there was no good! It caused me anger, resentment and disregard for others. These feelings would only grow from there. I became extremely anti-social. I figured at that point the pain I felt when trying to fit in was not worth the hassle, so perhaps if I stayed away from people altogether I would not feel that way anymore. My room became a sanctuary where I could always go and know no one would push me out and make me feel unwanted.

I hope no one ever has to face a time like this.

Things did change, however. I had surgery to repair the issue on my nose. Starting a couple years after that and continuing well into my adulthood, I now feel that I talk too much at times! But I wrote this piece because strangely enough, I found Allah’s love and company through incidents like these. If anyone has the right to complain about life being unfair, then I think I would be one of them. But today I have no complaints, and as an adult I am actually glad I went through these experiences.

The pain that these experiences brought never made sense to me until adulthood. But if it were not for this pain, I would not know what rejection felt like. I would not know what a shattered heart felt like. I would not know what days and nights of unbearable loneliness felt like. And perhaps I would never have come to know my purpose on what sometimes can be a very cold planet.

I always had a wish to grow up and help others. How else could I understand or relate to someone’s struggle if I had not experienced it myself? I decided to go into counseling or teaching after I finish college so as to put what I learned to good use.

This is why it is so important for us all to think positively of God, because only then will one find the gems hidden in the most difficult trials of their life. You may not see the fruits of your labor or even why you were put through such difficult trials until perhaps years later. But based on my own firsthand experience, I can say with certainty it is never unfair. In fact, it is always worth it.

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#2 [Permalink] Posted on 10th November 2016 12:19
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#3 [Permalink] Posted on 14th January 2019 05:19
Teach your kids to defend themselves. Teach them not to tell teachers if they are being bullied. Teachers don't respond. Instead, fight back those bullies. Teach them karate. These bullies are cowards themselves because they don't have anything substantial behind their so called "bravado". They only target the weak ones so teach them to be strong. This world is a jungle and only the strong survive so be strong and teach them to be strong. Also produce as many kids as possible so that they create a great defense group to support each other. have large families. Marry strong women who can bear more children. Live simple, natural, active and healthy lives. Live near your cousins. Work on the tazkiyah and akhlaq of your family so that lust, jealousy and hatred don't develop and they remain united. Make a tribe of your family. Also teach them to not misuse their strength. They mustn't themselves convert into bullies while fighting bullies. (Aisi ki taisi).
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#4 [Permalink] Posted on 14th January 2019 09:16
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السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته

I agree with everything in your post except one thing. Karate. Maybe karate was good in medieval Okinawa and Japan, but today it is mainly rubbish. Your kids will not learn to fight with karate.

If you want to teach your kids how to fight then train them in something like full contact MMA, Boxing, or even Kick Boxing. MOST traditional martial artists (Karate, Kung Fu, Tai Kwan Do etc) fail against seasoned street fighters and full contact fighters. Some even fail against untrained fighters. One of the biggest flaws against traditional martial arts is that they don't have full contact sparring. MOST traditional martial artists have never had a real fight in their lives. When they eventually do have a fight they quickly realise they have no idea what they are doing when it comes to a real fight.

I have trained in traditional martial arts in my younger days. Trained in MMA as I got older. I have had many many street fights as I was growing up. Traditional martial arts don't work. I would much rather fight a traditional martial artist than a seasoned football hooligan. They should teach hooligan-fu as a fighting style lol.

Best is MMA. But the least you should do is learn how to box. Grappling is very important as well as most street fights quickly turn into grappling and usually go to the ground.

There will be examples where traditional martial artists have come out on top. But that is very rare. You will not find a MMA champion winning a full contact fight through karate or kung fu etc. In fact traditional martial artists don't even enter full contact MMA fights. That should be enough to make us understand.
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#5 [Permalink] Posted on 14th January 2019 09:27
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1000% agreed. By the way, I like boxing.

Quote:
I have had many many street fights as I was growing up


Seems like you were very energetic and adventurous back then. A Pakhtoon is still a Pakhtoon even in UK. Good ;)
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#6 [Permalink] Posted on 14th January 2019 09:46
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Teach them not to tell teachers if they are being bullied.

I understand where this comes from but this is not what I teach my kids.

I tell them to tell the teacher and warn the bully of what may take place :)

I teach my kids to have Sabr until the other person goes too far.

My kids are taught Martial Arts (Kung Fu) together with boxing and they love it. They feel safe knowing that they can take the nonsense from a bully until they feel no action is being taken. Then eventually, if required, they will hit back.

My youngest is 3 years old and already he is in love ith self defense. He practices Wing Chun with his sister.

On the first few days at his new school, he was seen alone in the playground punching a bean bag, practicing his speed etc etc. His teacher asked him what he was doing - he said he was practicing.

The teacher was concerned about this and discussed it with us. We had to tell them not be affraid as he is an angel and explained everything to them.

The kids play roles in schools of their action heroes and yet again the teacher had to confirm what he was trying to say.
The teacher asked him about many super heroes to which he answered NO to all of them:
Super-Man, Spider-Man, Bat-Man, Iron-Man, He said no them all. Then he said I am Ip-Man :)
Of course the teacher and many others have never heard of him so again we had to explain :(

Anyways, he will take the odd little bullying but he knows, if he has to knock someone out, he will do it :(

If being confronted, they use their moto "Stop! I don't want to fight. You might get hurt" in a loud audible voice so others can see and hear that they are defending themselves :)
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#7 [Permalink] Posted on 14th January 2019 09:58
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Quote:
Seems like you were very energetic and adventurous back then. A Pakhtoon is still a Pakhtoon even in UK. Good ;)


Lol except that this pakhtoon is an Indian Gujarati! I had a fight 2 days ago on the street defending somebody. Now I'm sat at home with a swollen and injured knee and can't even pray namaaz properly. Cant even go to work. Probably take at least a week to get fully mobile again. Probably take 3 weeks to fully heal. Getting too old for this. Alhamdulillah the other guy got it worse.
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#8 [Permalink] Posted on 14th January 2019 16:15
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Body gets old but the spirit remains young. That's the spirit.
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#9 [Permalink] Posted on 14th January 2019 16:17
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Well! In my case, I have noticed that teachers just laugh it out and don't take it seriously. Maybe in the Uk, the situation is different. Also, my experience tells me that you should look dangerous so that non messes up with you. Immediate reaction to bullies can be a sign of deterrent so that they may not mess up next time. Patience is considered weakness now a days.

Well! I like Ahmed Deedat Style.
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#10 [Permalink] Posted on 14th January 2019 17:12
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my experience tells me that you should look dangerous so that non messes up with you.

No need to look dangerous at all. Just need to stand out as the well behaved, honest one and at the same time, not the teachers pet :)
Looking dangerous brings attention.

Be a Warrior, humble to Allah and adhere to the Sunnah and we can one day be the Khalid bin Waleed of our time :)
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#11 [Permalink] Posted on 27th February 2019 10:25
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Quote:
I agree with everything in your post except one thing. Karate. Maybe karate was good in medieval Okinawa and Japan, but today it is mainly rubbish. Your kids will not learn to fight with karate.


Assalam o Alaikum,
I am wondering that if karate is not effective then why it is learned by the military or mujahideen... or do they?
Maybe they learn another type of karate which is effective. Or maybe it is MMA style...? Do you have any idea about it?
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#12 [Permalink] Posted on 27th February 2019 11:10
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Kyoshukin Karate and its variants are very effective. And is full contact.

Those martial arts where you practice hitting and getting hit will be of benefit.

The martial arts that are minimum contact where you learn choreographed moves will not be effective. Simple reason being if you are not used to getting hit..if some random person attacks you on the street you will go into shock.you will not be sble to respond.

One of the most effective martial arts used in MMA is Brazilian jiu jutsu..which is essentially grappling and fighting on the ground.

But in a situation on the street you want to avoid ending up on the ground. A martial art that uses strikes and where you fight standing up is the safer option.

The reason being whilst you are grappling with an assailant on the ground. If he has friends near by you will be very vulnerable they could attack you with a clubbing weapon of some sort. Or kick you in the head.

With striking art you can maintain a safe distance in case the assailant
Has a knife or other percing weapon.Or has friends nearby.

However if you only know how to fight standing up, then if the assailant manages to take you to the ground you will not have much of a response.

There are negative positives in everything..!

So to summarise..it is better to remain standing up in a street situation. But just incase the fight ends up on the ground you will need to have some skills in that situation.

Traditionally it was recommended for a person to combine a striking art like Muay Thai/ Kickboxing and also simultaneously learn a grappling art like Judo. So that way you have both bases covered.

The benefits of MMA gyms is you are taught both.

Traditional martial arts gyms have one greater benefit in that self-control. Discipline and respect for others was taught so an individual cab use these to benefit other areas of their life.

Hope this helps Insha'Allah.

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#13 [Permalink] Posted on 27th February 2019 17:20
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السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته

I haven't looked into it much these days. I doubt they teach traditional martial arts in the military. If they do then it will just be for sport and not combat. Combat needs to be simple and direct. They probably take certain aspects from various martial arts and combine it with a core fighting style. Then it just becomes MMA. MMA is Mixed Martial Arts. It doesn't have to resemble common MMA. MMA can be whatever you want. Just take what works for you and leave the rest. What works for you is based on your own body. People are different. Some are bulky and slow, but have a lot of power. Some are small and weaker, but have a lot of speed. Some have long limbs that help in striking arts. Some have short limbs that are more suitable for grappling. Etc. As the brother said, it is better not to go to the ground especially if you are alone and there are more of them. Try to finish the fight upright. But saying that, most fights end up in pulling and tugging and eventually go to the ground. If your ground game is good then you can easily transition from the ground and back up.
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