Forum Menu - Click/Swipe to open
 

Domestic Violence and kids

You have contributed 10.1% of this topic

Thread Tools
Appreciate
Topic Appreciation
Taalibah, ummi taalib, Maria al-Qibtiyya, Arslan., Naqshband66, abu mohammed, True Life
Rank Image
abu mohammed's avatar
London
20,903
Brother
7,005
abu mohammed's avatar
#1 [Permalink] Posted on 3rd December 2014 21:39
Domestic Violence Affects Boys And Girls Differently: Why One Reacts And The Other Recedes

Witnessing one parent attack another leaves a lasting impression on kids that only gets worse with age.

The quiet horror of intimate partner violence — physically aggressive acts between couples — sticks with kids for years. A new study finds it also sticks with them according to their gender, as many boys who witness their parents fighting tend to project their aggression outward, while girls keep their feelings inside and withdraw.

Mounting evidence in psychology research shows individual snapshots of kids’ behavior don’t capture the state of their mental health. A lot can happen between preschool and kindergarten — a turning point that can have dramatic impacts on a child’s academic performance and social skills. When parents fight, these turning points can turn to concrete parts of their personality.

“It’s this carryover effect,” Megan Holmes, assistant professor at Case Western University, told Medical Daily. Holmes is the lead author of the new study and an expert on domestic violence, particularly as it disrupts healthy childhood development. “Kids aren’t just affected when it’s immediately happening, but there is this chain effect that’s happening in the later years.”


In the latest investigation, Holmes and her colleagues looked at data on 1,125 children referred to Child Protective Services for abuse or neglect, whose cases were housed in a federal database. They tracked how often kids were exposed to male-led partner violence, including fathers and non-biological figures, and how kids’ behaviors shifted from preschool to kindergarten. While most children fell in the normal ranges for social development and aggression, in preschool 14 percent of kids showed aggressive tendencies and 46 percent lagged in social skill development. By kindergarten, aggressive tendencies had risen to 18 percent and social skill lags dropped to 34 percent.

Falling on traditional gender lines, boys and girls displayed varied responses to parental violence. Boys tended to mirror their fathers’ aggressive behaviors, becoming more verbally abusive and quick to turn on their peers. Girls, meanwhile, channeled their inner difficulties into their social skills. They had trouble interacting with other kids and became more anxious or depressed, Holmes says. “That may be why we’re not necessarily seeing the effect of aggressive behavior for girls.”

Looking at the big picture of childhood development isn’t all that new for Holmes. In 2013, she published a study describing a so-called “sleeper effect.” Again, investigating intimate partner violence, she found that kids who were exposed to the violence at an early age showed no behavioral effects directly after, but they seemed to lay dormant until the child reached school age. Then the sleeper effects re-emerged and played out as expected.


In both this study and the more recent one, she says, magnification with time is an all-too-prevalent factor. And while the data samples exclude violent mothers, much of the research into domestic violence already tilts the proportion heavily toward victims being female. Each year, roughly 1.3 million women experience physical assault by an intimate partner, making up approximately 85 percent of the total victim pool. Worse, when kids witness the behavior, they are more likely to adopt it themselves once they grow up.

Given these sleeper effects, Holmes says the best course of action is to curtail aggressive or antisocial behavior early. Moving from preschool to kindergarten isn’t just a matter of a birthday. It’s a big step from a classroom based on cultivating social skills to one focused on academics. It’s up to observant teachers and school officials, she says, to make sure the only baggage kids are carrying during that time are the school supplies on their backs.

Source: Holmes M, Voith L, Gromoske A. Lasting Effect of Intimate Partner Violence Exposure During Preschool on Aggressive Behavior and Prosocial Skills. Journal of Interpersonal Violence. 2014.
report post quote code quick quote reply
+3 -0Like x 3
back to top
Rank Image
abu mohammed's avatar
London
20,903
Brother
7,005
abu mohammed's avatar
#2 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 11:45
NO to Domestic Violence in Islam | Mufti Hussain Kamani |
Halalified YT Audio

The Prophet (saw) said: "Among the Muslims the most perfect, as regards his faith, is the one whose character is excellent, and the best among you are those who treat their wives well." - Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 628 | Narrated by Abu Hurayrah رضي الله عنه

Sadly, the curse of domestic violence plagues Muslim and Non-Muslim communities all over the globe. In this segment, Mufti Hussain Kamani reminds the listener as to why any form of domestic violence (Physical, emotional or Mental abuse) is forbidden in prohibited in Islam. Thousands of women are killed each year all over the world including the US and sadly for far too long this issue has been pushed under the rugs. This practice goes against the Sunnah of Prophet (saw) as he never abused his wives and instructed his companions to be among those who stand up against injustice and oppression. It is high time that we as take the lead in insuring that Domestic violence is not just reduced but completed eradicated from our communities.
report post quote code quick quote reply
+2 -0Like x 2
back to top
Rank Image
Taalibah's avatar
Unspecified
7,107
Sister
5,408
Taalibah's avatar
#3 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 11:50
It is estimated that two women are killed every week in the UK as a result of domestic violence.
report post quote code quick quote reply
No post ratings
back to top
Rank Image
Taalibah's avatar
Unspecified
7,107
Sister
5,408
Taalibah's avatar
#4 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 11:54
report post quote code quick quote reply
+1 -0Like x 1
back to top
Rank Image
ummi taalib's avatar
Unspecified
1,667
Sister
1,617
ummi taalib's avatar
#5 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 12:45
Alhamdulillah for the beautiful teachings of Islam!

Question is, when a woman is this situation what practical help can she be given? What can she do? Who does she turn to? Yes there is sabr which will get her high stages and there is du'a which we can advise her on however women in abusive marriages want practical help to ease their situations.

Also a brutal, violent husband is not likely to sit down and listen to his wife telling him about these teachings. Most women do not even let people in their families know of the violent or abusive treatment they get...and those who do eventually speak out and the police are involved, most simply withdraw the case under family pressure
report post quote code quick quote reply
+0 -0Agree x 2
back to top
Rank Image
Muadh_Khan's avatar
Offline
UK
9,567
Brother
8,019
Muadh_Khan's avatar
#6 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 14:04

ummi taalib wrote:
View original post

Khala,

Remove the wife out of the situation and someone else should speak to him. This is what the Qur'aan teaches for arbitration/reconciliation.

Please remember that Islamic Sharia doesn't drop the wife in this situation so we should adhere to this advice from Allah (SWT).

 

report post quote code quick quote reply
+1 -0Like x 1
back to top
Rank Image
ummi taalib's avatar
Unspecified
1,667
Sister
1,617
ummi taalib's avatar
#7 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 15:07
Yes but in many situations the wife does not want to tell anyone...not even her brother or father. In one recent case she refused to tell her family and ask them for help and so we mentioned her inlaws who we told her could maybe intercede and help....she refused to involve them as she was afraid of the consequences on her own family! I reckon even in this country many probably suffer in silence
report post quote code quick quote reply
No post ratings
back to top
Rank Image
Taalibah's avatar
Unspecified
7,107
Sister
5,408
Taalibah's avatar
#8 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 15:15
The following organization deals in all issues, including marriage counseling, arbitration between couples, individual counseling, etc etc, including all related issues.

There are also many other organizations that provide advice and support for both partners.

nour-dv.org.uk
report post quote code quick quote reply
No post ratings
back to top
Rank Image
Maria al-Qibtiyya's avatar
Unspecified
620
Sister
182
Maria al-Qibtiyya's avatar
#9 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 15:17
ummi taalib wrote:
View original post


In case of severe and undeserved beating woman shouldn't remain silent, she should go to the court to annul a marriage. I believe in such a case staying silent upon zulm is also a zulm.
report post quote code quick quote reply
+2 -0Winner x 2
back to top
Rank Image
Taalibah's avatar
Unspecified
7,107
Sister
5,408
Taalibah's avatar
#10 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 15:21
Many shariah councils offer the same services, there is more awareness of the stigma attached to such issues, especially how difficult it is for women to come forward and seek appropriate support and advise.

There are quite a few organizations around.
report post quote code quick quote reply
No post ratings
back to top
Rank Image
Muadh_Khan's avatar
Offline
UK
9,567
Brother
8,019
Muadh_Khan's avatar
#11 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 15:50

ummi taalib wrote:
View original post

Please ensure that the intervention/advice is timely, topical, Islamic, professional and easily understood. Referring issues to a Hazrat is not necessarily the right course of action.  Most Hazrats respond once/twice and then are too busy to carry on diligently and consistently and if they respond it is not quick.

Most Sisters in these cases need reassurance and someone to speak to, a fellow Muslim Sister who is available via text/WhatsApp is much more effective than referring to a Hazrat.

Maria al-Qibtiyya wrote:
View original post

Agreed.

report post quote code quick quote reply
+3 -0Like x 1Winner x 2
back to top
Rank Image
abu mohammed's avatar
London
20,903
Brother
7,005
abu mohammed's avatar
#12 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 15:58
Many do suffer in silence and I've heard from Ulama that sometimes it's the wife who is abusive and torturous to the children. (it happens from both sides)

But I've also heard of couples who want a settlement but the spouse has lied to the Ulama that they will take his side only and not consider what she really has to say. The Ulama have already been "ear filled" by the husband.
report post quote code quick quote reply
+2 -0Winner x 2
back to top
Rank Image
Muadh_Khan's avatar
Offline
UK
9,567
Brother
8,019
Muadh_Khan's avatar
#13 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 16:22

abu mohammed wrote:
View original post

Ulama study aspects of Islamic Fiqh and are not necessarily trained to intervene and advise on marital (or family) issues. The art of advising people (appropriately) comes from either professional study (& experience) or extensive life experience and exposure.

Without experience, exposure & knowledge a person will fall back on cultural clichés and stereotypes. In my humble opinion most Sisters in these situation need constant (contact) and reassurance and any Sister (within the community) can play a huge role offering support, someone to talk to, exchange messages, chit-chat.

One HUGE FACTOR missing in UK is socialising for women! Our (Deobandee) brothers and sisters are seriously behind on the issue if a Sister is permitted to organise something in the Masjid (* premises) then it is hugely scrutinised to be compliant with XYZ while men can stand in the parking lot and talk about Pakistan Cricket to Arsenal to HMC!

We need to realise that women in this country (whether you agree or disagree) do have stuff to talk about and if you don’t give them the right opportunity (sheltered from effects of Kuf’r) then they will find support (and space) elsewhere because society is eager to embrace them (and wash Islam from them).

This is the NUMBER ONE issue which Brothers like Arslan. don’t get.

Madkhalees, Barelwees, Modernists, Atheists etc are ready to support (our Sisters) and give them the freedom to let their hair down. We are pushing our (daughters) in a different direction. Khala UmmiTalib is a unique person in her Islamic understanding, ability and knowledge; most British Sisters are not at that level and cannot judge right from wrong so don’t think that when (local) Deobandi Masjid doesn’t permit them (or discourages them) they stay idle and stay within the confines of home.

In the West-Midlands every Deobandi (Alim, Mufti, Shaykh) knows about Green Lane Mosque YET they choose to ignore the challenge oblivious to the fact that many many women (who are either Deobandi or from Deobandi oriented families) are attending it in large numbers. Many (Deobandi) Fathers/Brothers turn a blind eye because they know that you can't your daughter/sister a diet of Urdu (or badly translated) Fazail-e-Amaal forever!

Send your daughters to Ta'leem is wonderful slogan but is Ta'leem (Tableeghi style) conducive and interesting to a young British girl? Who will be the first (amongst Hazrats) to be honest?

If she is visiting Green Lane today and watching Yasmin Mogahed on youtube what makes us think that her or her children will refer to Shaykh (Maulana) Saleem Dhorat (HA) when she has problems?

Devastating situation, we are breeding problems in this country, mark my words & I will be long gone when future generations will pay for the errors of the current generation.

  • Yasmin Mogahed is talking about psychology and things which she is familiar with WHILE Hazrat (HA) is telling her stories about the Grandmother of Shaykh (Maulana) Zakariyya Kandhalwi (RA) in Saharunpur from 1837; a place she has never been to has no actual relationship.
  • When she has marital problems Yasmin Mogahed talks about being strong and contextualises her problem while Hazrat (HA) tells her about someone in Kanpur (India) from 1861!

I mean seriously; sometimes I do think that I am MAD!

report post quote code quick quote reply
+5 -0Like x 4Agree x 2Winner x 1
back to top
Rank Image
Maria al-Qibtiyya's avatar
Unspecified
620
Sister
182
Maria al-Qibtiyya's avatar
#14 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 16:45
Muadh_Khan wrote:
View original post


I wonder what made you assume that Brother Arslan. doesn't understand this. I'm sure he does.
report post quote code quick quote reply
+1 -0Like x 1
back to top
Rank Image
muslim11's avatar
Offline
Unspecified
690
Sister
601
muslim11's avatar
#15 [Permalink] Posted on 4th December 2014 16:49
Alhamdulillah there are experienced and knowledgeable Aalimahs here in Pakistan who can help...
There is a couple too who deals with such and other kinds of matters , basically councilors.. ( don't have their contact ATM but I can ask Insha Allah if anyone wants)
Posted via the Muftisays Android App
report post quote code quick quote reply
No post ratings
back to top

 

Quick Reply

CAPTCHA - As you are a guest, you are required to answer the following:


In the above image: What colour is the text 'ABC' written in?