Domestic Violence - Are you a Victim?

#16 [Permalink] Posted on 27th January 2011 23:24

I would like like to add my two pence,these things do happen in every society and that includes muslims too.many women dont go to police or tell anyone due to family reasons,a women i new was killed by her husband and her mother-in-law.
one women i know is convert who married a muslim guy,he use to beat her and once through a very hot cup of tea over her back.
If you brothers are not aware of these happnings,then welcome to the real world!
A man is the protector of a women,he shoudnt be her abuser,if Allah has given him authority over his wife then he shouldnt abuse that power.

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#17 [Permalink] Posted on 27th January 2011 23:29

Anonymous wrote:

a women i new was killed by her husband and her mother-in-law.
one women i know is convert who married a muslim guy,he use to beat her .

salam.i am not shocked,i know these things happen.
The real world is not all sweet.

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#18 [Permalink] Posted on 28th January 2011 09:09

Its not gossiping brother abu muhammad when these women come to you for a few comforting words...specially revert sisters who after reading about islam do not expect it. I too thought of the police and their motive but i think i can believe it to a certain extent.

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#19 [Permalink] Posted on 28th January 2011 10:15

"Anonymous" wrote:

I would like like to add my two pence,these things do happen in every society and that includes muslims too.many women dont go to police or tell anyone due to family reasons,a women i new was killed by her husband and her mother-in-law. one women i know is convert who married a muslim guy,he use to beat her and once through a very hot cup of tea over her back. If you brothers are not aware of these happnings,then welcome to the real world! A man is the protector of a women,he shoudnt be her abuser,if Allah has given him authority over his wife then he shouldnt abuse that power.

Allah says in the Quran "Oh you who Believe, BELIEVE", "Ya ayyuhal ladheena aamanu, aamenu"

It looks like these men arent men as defined by the Quran, they are whimps who need to take the bangles off their hands. They think they are powerfull, I wonder how they would react if they were asked to go for Jihad. Ok, even not Jihad, maybe Jamaat. They would find a zillion excuses. I never heard of Domestic Violence in a Muslim family before, but I swear by Allah, if I heard it I would be the first to speak up against it even if I have to fight for justice.

Such whimps should not be called men as they give men a bad name, I cant even call the Eunuchs, a third gender.

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#20 [Permalink] Posted on 28th January 2011 10:18

"Anonymous" wrote:

well ofcourse it is,your trying to tell you have never ever come across domestic violence in the muslim houses?

Brother Muadh and I are not the only ones who have not heard of it before. Look at the poll results.

These people dont have akhlaq of the Prophet or the Companions, they have the akhlaq of the cattle.

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#21 [Permalink] Posted on 28th January 2011 10:43

As Muslims we understand that violence and coercion used, as a tool of control in the home is oppression and not accepted in Islam.

Marriage in the Islamic context is a means of tranquility, protection, peace and comfort. Abuse of any kind is in conflict to the principles of marriage. Any justification of abuse is in opposition to what Allah سبحانه وتعالى has revealed and the example of Prophet Muhammad.

Sura 30 Ayat 21

"And among His signs is this: He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect."

Sura 9 Ayat 71

The Believers, men and women, are protectors one of another: they enjoin what is just, and forbid what is evil: they observe regular prayers, practice regular charity, and obey Allah and His Messenger. On them will Allah pour His mercy: for Allah is Exalted in power, Wise.

Sura 16 Ayat 90
Allah commands justice, the doing of good, and liberality to kith and kin, and He forbids all shameful deeds, and injustice and rebellion: He instructs you, that ye may receive admonition

I am sorry to say akhee but the post sister-in-islam put up is very much A happening in the muslim home,many might be going around where you live,just beacuse sisters are to embarrassed to say anything to any one,that does not mean that its NOT happening.

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#22 [Permalink] Posted on 28th January 2011 10:53

I personally know 3 females who were abused or maybe still being, by their husbands.

Each was a very sad case.

One of them was completely innocent and Alhamdulillah, she is now safe from this evil acts of this man.

One would be beaten by the drug intoxicated husband .He would even go to the extent to lock her in a room.Alhamdulillah no harm to the children.

The third was simply beaten.

One would think the women are completely innocent however, on closer inspection on the latter two cases the women were also at fault. When domestic violence is mentioned, one assumes beating and hitting, however, there are many behaviours which can constitute to domestic violence i.e emotional, verbal etc. The women would either dress in provocative manner and talk to other males. This is emotional abuse. This lead the husbands to feel intimidated and vulnerable and lead him to drugs and beatings. I am not condoning the behaviour of any one of these.Each domestic violence experience is individual and has to be looked at both angles.In some cases it appears that the husband is at more fault because he is causing bodily harm which can be apparent by bruising etc. But women can be equally to blame for the mentally and emotionally abuse they subject their husbands to, which an outsider would not see.

These are just 2 out of 3 cases that i have seen, where one would blame the husband entirely and not know his side of the story. Of course one cannot generalise by these experiences.

If we all chose to live by the way of the Quran and the example of our prophet(SAW), then by the grace of Allah we wouldnt have such issues in our muslim families. Allah knows best.

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#23 [Permalink] Posted on 28th January 2011 10:55

"Anonymous" wrote:

As Muslims we understand that violence and coercion used, as a tool of control in the home is oppression and not accepted in Islam. Marriage in the Islamic context is a means of tranquility, protection, peace and comfort. Abuse of any kind is in conflict to the principles of marriage. Any justification of abuse is in opposition to what Allah سبحانه وتعالى has revealed and the example of Prophet Muhammad. Sura 30 Ayat 21 "And among His signs is this: He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect." Sura 9 Ayat 71 The Believers, men and women, are protectors one of another: they enjoin what is just, and forbid what is evil: they observe regular prayers, practice regular charity, and obey Allah and His Messenger. On them will Allah pour His mercy: for Allah is Exalted in power, Wise. Sura 16 Ayat 90 Allah commands justice, the doing of good, and liberality to kith and kin, and He forbids all shameful deeds, and injustice and rebellion: He instructs you, that ye may receive admonition I am sorry to say akhee but the post sister-in-islam put up is very much A happening in the muslim home,many might be going around where you live,just beacuse sisters are to embarrassed to say anything to any one,that does not mean that its NOT happening.

Jazakallah. You should register or log in. I gave your quote the thumbs up.

It is amazing, its the same thing with Alcoholics in Muslim families, I've never heard of it in real life but I know it goes on.

The Kuffar are better than these hypocrites. At least the Kuffar admit to their disbelief and act upon it, but the hypocrites lie about their faith and openly declare theShadah and behind closed doors they show their true colours.

Allah help us and them all. This thread is very useful but its making me sick, I want to stay away but cant resist as I want to be a witness to these accounts on judgement day so I can testify to what I am reading and watch them burn ih Hell. Probably next to me. Allah help us please.

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#24 [Permalink] Posted on 28th January 2011 11:01

VERY IMPORTANT FACTOR.

This is not just from the men, I hear the women are also abusive to their husbands. A different angle!

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#25 [Permalink] Posted on 28th January 2011 11:04

I am no longer a victim, but a survivor of domestic violence. I left the marraige about a year and a half ago and although it was difficult to begin with, being safe became of paramount importance to me. i was in the marraige for nearly eight years, never once realising that I was suffering from domestic violence thinking that it was only related to physical not mental abuse. was humiliated, criticised and more disturbingly, isolated, becoming a virtual prisoner in my own home. I told no-one, as I was ashamed and was told that it was my fault. I was harassed and bullied into doing things that I didn't want to do. He was possessive and jealous and fiery and would blow up, at any time over anything. I was always walking on eggshells, in the end becoming compliant, just to keep the peace.The abuse became progressively worse, he dehumanised me, I became a non-person. I was so ashamed and humiliated ... his father intervened and helped me to get out of there. really believe in divine intervention, without that I would not be alive today. I feel sure that in a fit of anger, he would have ended up really hurting or even killing me.
but i know Allah got me out and Allah will help me get over this abuse.sad fact it dose happen,but not every sister is brave enough to walk out.

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#26 [Permalink] Posted on 28th January 2011 11:13

"Anonymous" wrote:

I am no longer a victim, but a survivor of domestic violence. I left the marraige about a year and a half ago and although it was difficult to begin with, being safe became of paramount importance to me. i was in the marraige for nearly eight years, never once realising that I was suffering from domestic violence thinking that it was only related to physical not mental abuse. was humiliated, criticised and more disturbingly, isolated, becoming a virtual prisoner in my own home. I told no-one, as I was ashamed and was told that it was my fault. I was harassed and bullied into doing things that I didn't want to do. He was possessive and jealous and fiery and would blow up, at any time over anything. I was always walking on eggshells, in the end becoming compliant, just to keep the peace.The abuse became progressively worse, he dehumanised me, I became a non-person. I was so ashamed and humiliated … his father intervened and helped me to get out of there. really believe in divine intervention, without that I would not be alive today. I feel sure that in a fit of anger, he would have ended up really hurting or even killing me. but i know Allah got me out and Allah will help me get over this abuse.sad fact it dose happen,but not every sister is brave enough to walk out.

May Allah make it easy for you and give you Sabr. May Allah reward your father in law. It is very sad to hear such things. Allah tests us in many ways and this is one of them. You can have your revenge on judgement day, dont let him go.

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#27 [Permalink] Posted on 28th January 2011 12:15

First of all thank you to guest for sharing her story.may Allah help you always.
And thank you to all who took part in this debate.

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#28 [Permalink] Posted on 28th January 2011 12:16

"abu mohammed" wrote:

"Anonymous" wrote:

well ofcourse it is,your trying to tell you have never ever come across domestic violence in the muslim houses?

Brother Muadh and I are not the only ones who have not heard of it before. Look at the poll results.

These people dont have akhlaq of the Prophet or the Companions, they have the akhlaq of the cattle.

Asslamo Allaikum,

I have heard of it and deal with it and also been arrested in trying to defend a Sister for getting beat up by her husband and almost went to jail for smashing his face up!

I am just NOT convinced that matters are as simple as they are made out to be.

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#29 [Permalink] Posted on 28th January 2011 12:20

It's an ugly topic. One that is so ugly, we like to pretend it's not happening. We sweep it under the carpet, tell the sister to have sabr and stick with it, not upset her husband, that it is a test from Allah. The woman (men can experience domestic violence, too, but the vast majority of the time, women are the recipients) hides the reality, ashamed at what's happening behind her own four walls, ashamed that she's "making" her husband hit her, ashamed that she must deserve this treatment. And their children see it all, caught up in the abuse. Never think children, no matter how small, are immune to abuse within their home. Our imams are often lost when confronted with a bruised woman, having never been trained on how to deal with it. They often offer well-meaning but counter-productive, even dangerous, advice.But like every other community, the gremlin of domestic violence lives amongst us as Muslims. It hides in the shadows and creeps in dark corners, terrifying people, causing pain and tears and confusion. It leaves grown adults cowering in fear, children wetting the bed, and cycles of vicious violence that can be difficult to break for generations. It attacks our entire community, and as such, requires a whole-of-community response. This is not a "women's issue". This is all of our issue.Many Muslims (and non-Muslims, I'm guessing) are unsure about the Islamic position on domestic violence, and what they can do if they find themselves somehow involved in domestic violence, either as a concerned friend or family member, an imam, or as a person experiencing or causing domestic violence.Domestic violence in not okay in Islam. Hurting, frightening, bullying and intimidating are not okay for any Muslim to do to anyone, let alone their spouse . Domestic violence in the Muslim community is real. And it can end in death. All domestic abuse is a tragedy and an oppression. Thus, it is our duty to work to change it. Domestic violence is shameful, but not in a pretend-it's-not-happening way; it's shameful in a we-cannot-ignore-this way. Turning a blind eye is not only cruel, it is dangerous.
Not all abusive domestic relationships involve black eyes. They can also involve manipulation, control, intimidation, isolation, sexual abuse and emotional abuse.
If you are experiencing domestic abuse, it is not your fault. You did not cause this, and as such, your behaviour cannot make them stop. You do not deserve this abuse, as a spouse, child, Muslim or as a human being. It cannot be justified. Real love doesn't hurt; it feels good. If someone who says they love you is hurting you, there is a problem.
Things will never get better on their own. If your spouse has or is hurting you, it is almost certain that will continue. It's hard to face, but not facing it is harder. Don't just wait for things to change on their own. If you are in an abusive relationship, it is normal to feel trapped and helpless. But that doesn't mean you are. There are many people who can help you, and the law can protect you (and your children, if you have them). You might fear what your partner will do to you (or your kids). This is normal and understandable, too. But again - there are many people and services to help and protect you. You should not have to live in fear.
If you are a friend or family member who thinks someone they love is caught up in domestic abuse, you can help. It is not "their business" and you shouldn't worry that you are sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong. It is your responsibility to help, but you need to know how best to do that.
If you're an imam or khateeb, you have the power to effect change. If a woman comes to you telling you her husband is absuing her, don't just tell her to have sabr, don't tell her to stop doing whatever it is that triggers the violence, and don't recommend couples counselling (doing so can actually be dangerous). Do take her concerns seriously, do tell her you believe her and you want to help her be safe, and do get educated on the issue.
I pray to Allah that my tread will help many sisters out there.

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#30 [Permalink] Posted on 28th January 2011 12:25

Asslamo Allaikum,

I wrote a systematic response on this subject but then deleted it.

Abuse shouldn't be tolerated but the solution for both men and women is in the Sunnah.

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Domestic Violence - Are you a Victim?

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