Why am I still not Married?

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#1 [Permalink] Posted on 21st January 2014 11:58

Why am I still not married?
by S Farooq

I remember the chagrin and inner turmoil of being single and hopeful of marriage, back during my early twenties!

Even after almost a decade of marriage, I still vividly remember the constant roller-coaster of emotions that the heart experiences every time a marriage proposal is negotiated.

One thinks: Is this the one?

Will this family/person be my future spouse/in-laws?

Sometimes the marriage negotiation process painstakingly goes on for months, only to culminate in nothing. Up go one's dreams, hopes and aspirations about the future into thin air! Once again, it is back to square one.

Whether a young, single Muslim is a man or woman, if they are ardently desirous of completing half their Deen, the anguish and frustration (including sexual angst) they feel whenever another year of their life passes by without any impending nuptials on the horizon is, contrary to gender-discriminating cultural myths, similarly disconcerting and unnerving.

Wherever in the world they might be, as the years pass and the number of fruitless marriage proposals grows, the singleton might begin to feel despondent and worn down by this trial of patience in their quest of completing half their Deen.

So what should one tell a young forlorn wannabe bride or groom when they justifiably ask: "Why am I still unmarried?"

First of All: There Is Nothing Wrong with You!

Although self-confidence is, admittedly, an effective catalyst in finding a spouse, believe me when I tell you that you are not ugly, weird, unattractive, or unworthy of marriage! Allah Ta'ala created the beautiful, unique you, and if He decrees it, someone out there will agree to marry you just the way you are.

So do not despair of Allah's mercy, and remain positive that someone out there will like you and agree to marry you, insha'Allah. Even if you begin to believe that being short, overweight, shy or acne-skinned is a negative thing going against your favor in the marriage market, it is not, because a certain criteria of looks or education is not a pre-requisite for marriage, contrary to what older people might say.

Look around you at recently married or even older couples. Are all of them very good looking? Don't both of the partners seem to have at least one physical defect or blemish? Does everyone you know in your social circle, who recently got married, look like they stepped off a fashion runway?

You will find a wide variety of "real couples" who break every stereotype in the book (and please, refrain from looking at celebrity couples and famous people!): husbands who are shorter than their wives; wives who are older than their husbands; cross-cultural marriages that are refreshingly functional; infertile couples who are very happily married; men who are in love with their plus-size or dark-skinned wives; wives who are more educated than their husbands; the list is endless.

Never let others make you feel that if you are thirty-something and still not married, it is because either there is something wrong with you, or because Allah Ta'ala has decreed for you to forever remain single.

Divine Wisdom behind Perceived "Delays" in Marriage

In a world that is increasingly pressurizing everyone, from babies and children to adults, to achieve their personal milestones in life as early as possible, a righteous and single Muslim who is in his or her late twenties, thirties or forties might find themselves the target of unwarranted social stigmatization and cruel speculation:

"Why doesn't anyone take a liking to her? Do you think she intimidates suitors because she is over-educated?"

"Do you think there is magic involved? Should we visit a spiritual specialist to find out?"

"Maybe he is socially awkward? Or could it be that big bald spot on his head that chases proposals away?"

Unless a single person is outright opposed to the idea of marriage for personal reasons, most of us tend to forget the natural law/principle that applies universally: everyone is different, and they come into this world with a different, unique, preordained decree.

So, while most young people, Muslim or not, are able to find a spouse and get married in their teens or twenties, there is no unspoken or written rule that lays down a certain prerequisite age-range for the union, beyond which it supposedly becomes impossible for a person to marry, and be written off as "off the market".

Marriage can take place at any age in life, even at 50 or 60, as Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and many of his companions practically demonstrated.

It is also a fact that marriage will not happen within the first 2 or 3 decades of life for every one of us. So we should give more leeway and refrain from making blanket, generalized statements about our older, single brothers and sisters.

Becoming Mature and Responsible Enough First

It is not that Allah Ta'ala is not answering your du'as. Maybe He has already accepted your du'as for marriage with a righteous person, but it will actually happen practically after a few more years, when it is best and easiest for you to enter this sacred union with that person.

One of the main reasons why Allah Ta'ala might be delaying your marriage is to reach certain level of physical, intellectual, financial and emotional maturity. He knows everything about you that even you do not know, which is called 'the Unseen', or "ghaib" in Arabic.

Maybe He knows that were you to marry right now, within three months as you wish to, you will not succeed at married life because you are still too mentally immature, emotionally insecure, or financially unstable.

Maybe Allah Ta'ala is actually being kind towards you by delaying your marriage until the time is best - and surely none can know what He knows, for He sees ahead in our hidden futures - so rest assured, it doesn't matter in the long run if you get married at 25 or 35, as long as it is a happy, productive and loving marriage, to the right person, who becomes your pillar of support in Deen and accelerates your quest for success in the Hereafter.

Da'wah Experience and Acquisition of Knowledge

There are some blessings and experiences in life that are more time dependent than others to be availed optimally e.g. seeking Islamic knowledge, which is best done in the early years of one's life, when the brain and memory work better, and a person is more mentally alert and active.

Seeking Islamic knowledge can become more difficult after one takes on the responsibilities of marriage on one's shoulders. This is because your spouse and children have Shar'i rights upon you, because of which you cannot tear yourself away from them for too long in order to devote yourself to seeking and imparting knowledge full-time.

Perhaps Allah Ta'ala wants you to seek more knowledge and engage in more active da'wah work before you settle down in married life. These precious years of your youth will never return, and insha'Allah, decades down the road, a more mature and wise you will cherish, like a priceless gem, every year of experience that you acquired in the fields of Islamic knowledge and da'wah before getting married.

Perhaps, later on, you might even thank Allah Ta'ala for giving you the free time and opportunity to gain knowledge of Islam before tying the knot, after practically witnessing the numerous benefits of applying that fruitful knowledge to your married life later on.

Better than Early Divorce

Many young people get married very early, only to get quickly divorced for a variety of reasons, emerging from the whole experience bitter and emotionally hurt, with painful marks on their psyche that take a long time to heal.

Many who have a child from such a marriage have to endure acrimonious feuds with their exes over child custody and alimony, and thenceforth face the challenges of being a single parent. They are left with many regrets, many painful memories, and much disdain if not outright hatred towards the institution of marriage in general. It often takes young divorcés several years to heal from their first bad experience, and become mentally ready to get married again.

It could be that your being single, which is a painful trial of patience in your eyes, is a blessing in disguise that is acting as a barrier between you and worse calamities and adversities. Perhaps all your earnest du'as for getting married, about which you might be wondering why they are not being answered by God, are actually averting from you graver problems and pitfalls that you are not even aware of.

Perhaps your single status is a great blessing, but in a way that only Allah Ta'ala knows, and you know not.

So rejoice that you are still single and desirous of getting married; that you are not a bitter divorcé who is sexually frustrated yet adamant about never getting married again!

Increase in Humility

Do you remember an "alpha" boy or girl in your school or college, who was undeniably good-looking, inexplicably popular, and always in-demand with the opposite gender? Everyone in your class was probably convinced that he or she would be the first to get married, based on the number of proposals that came their way throughout high school and college.

I can think of at least two such girls I was acquainted with back in my student days, who were unanimously considered the most desirable for marriage among our lot, and the rest of us girls presumed, sighing with wishful, self-depreciating conviction, that they'd be the first to tie the knot.

Yet, that didn't happen. As the years passed, the bitter disappointment that these 'alpha' young women felt about their continuing single status was exacerbated by the fact that many of their peers who were considered apparently less attractive and "worthy" than them got married first, and that too to decent, nice men who kept them happy.

The wisdom behind this decree? By the time these good-lookers actually did tie the knot, they were much more humble and less full of themselves. A welcome landing back down on earth! The lesson that we all can learn from this apparent disparity in cause-and-effect

A delay in marriage increases one's humility, and makes one more down-to-earth and approachable by others. It also ensures that one constantly keeps turning to Allah in earnest du'as - which is something that Allah loves about His slaves!

Conclusion: Blessings Received after Hardship Are Cherished More

The more one waits for, works hard for, and remains patient for acquiring a blessing, the more one cherishes it after one receives it.

The fatally ill person who gets miraculously cured will live cautiously once he becomes healthy. The pauper will spend his money wisely once he becomes wealthy. The child deprived of education will value knowledge more when he grows up. So, too, will the older single person cherish their marriage, spouse and children more, once they get married.

And by then these precious blessings will be so much more worth the wait!
By mail from Islaaminfo

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#2 [Permalink] Posted on 21st January 2014 12:07

Maulana Yaqub Qasmi (HA) during Euro-Sunni told me to translate to all the brothers and said, "Don't get anxious about getting married and don't let the fact that you are single get you down. Allah (SWT) has written your Taqdeer and whatever is written, can't be taken away from you by anyone and whatever is not written can't be given to you by anyone. Don't chase people, don't lower your standards, don't compromise your Deen, don't deviate from the Sunnah. Simply turn to Allah (SWT), do the necessary and leave the rest!".

This is a statement from a true Alim. No faffing around, just straight facts.

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#3 [Permalink] Posted on 21st January 2014 14:26

Quote:

.....Don't chase people, don't lower your standards......

Priceless naseehah^ which is forgotten by most of the brothers.

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#4 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd January 2014 09:22

Salmun alayk alaykum.

Today's time most people think marriage is not so great. that is reason for many girls and boys saying no to marriage. we should remind ourselves its from the sunnat.

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#5 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd January 2014 13:36

Anonymous wrote:

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Lolzz!

They say marriage is like the public toilets; Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those who are inside are desperate to get out :D

Tbh i dont think its always that bad. My friend got married recently and according to her, her husband is even better than her iphone. Some people just like dramatizing things, they enjoy making others nervous :)

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#6 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd January 2014 13:52

Also we need to remind people that we should place our trust in the Plan of Allah (SWT). If we are not married or not happily married (despite all efforts) its part of Allah's Plan and not the end of the world.

Its amazing as to how many people (particularly Sisters) go into depression because they are getting older and not getting married.

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#7 [Permalink] Posted on 23rd January 2014 14:14

Something not directly related to the topic, but very interesting.

Hadhrat Shah Abul Hasan Khirqâni (RA) used to ride on a lion, bringing with him wood from the jungle on it, and if sometimes the lion would become troublesome, he would whip it with a live snake. A person from Khurasân went to Kharqân to take the pledge (bay'at) at Hadhrat's hands, When Hadhrat's wife asked this man why he had come, he related his reason. She was a very ill-tempered woman and upon hearing this she recited: "La howla wala quwwata illah billah" and said: "Who in this world can know the condition of this Buzurg better than me? I am with him day and night. He is a crafty deceiver! How did you get involved with him? Have you no brains?" She spoke so bitterly to him that he cried and thought to himself that his trip had been wasted. However, the people of the locality urged him to go into the jungle, and meet the Shaikh, and not form any wrong opinion about the Buzurg as his wife was an ill-tempered woman. When he reached the jungle, sure enough, there was Shaikh Abul Hasan Khirqâni (RA), seated on the lion's back. Moulana Jalaluddin Roomi (RA) says that through kashf (divine inspiration), it transpired to Hadhrat that this person had heard his (Shaikh's) wife's bitter talks and was grieved. Hadhrat laughed and asked what the matter was. That man replied: "Hadhrat, your wife is a very bad-tempered woman, why did you marry her?" Hadhrat replied: "The miracle which you see in front of you i.e. I am seated on a lion while using a live snake as a whip, was attained by patiently bearing the harms caused to me by this woman." In the words of Moulana Roomi (RA): "If my patience would not tolerate the burden of her ill-temper, then do you think this lion would bear my burden and become my slave." It is the way of Allâh, that when He blesses one with a gift, He does so after training of the self (Islâhe Nafs).

Source: Lectures of Hadhrat Moulana Hakeem Muhammed Akhtar Sahib Dâmat Barakâtuhum
Link: spl.qibla.com/Articles/AR00000146.aspx

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#8 [Permalink] Posted on 21st June 2014 17:19

The story of Hadhrat Sa'eed bin Musayyib رحمة الله عليه

Hadhrat Sa'eed bin Musayyib رحمة الله عليه was a well known Tabi'ee, and is counted as a great Muhaddith. A person named Abdullah bin Abi Widaah, who used to go to him very often, related as follows: I could not go to him for a few days. Then when I went, Hadhrat Sa'eed asked me where I had been. I told him that my wife had died and that I remained busy on that account. He said, "Had you informed me, I could have also joined the funeral." When, after a little while, I got up to leave he said, "Have you married again?" I replied, "Who would marry a penniless person such as I am?" He said that he would arrange it, and there and then he read out the marriage sermon and solemnised my nikaah (marriage declaration) with his own daughter, fixing the mehr (jointure) at a paltry sum of eight or ten annas (This small amount as mehr may be permissible according to them, as it is according to some Imams, but according to Imam Abu Hanifa رحمة الله عليه a sum less than two rupees and eight annas is not permissible - author).

After the nikaah, I left the place. Only Almighty Allah knows how overjoyed I was; in my happiness, I was thinking where from to borrow the money for expenses to bring the wife to my house. I remained absorbed in these thoughts till it was evening. I was keeping a fast, and I broke it at sunset. After the evening prayer, I reached home and, lighting the lamp, I started eating my bread with olive oil, when somebody knocked at the door. "Who is there?" said I, "Sa'eed", came the reply. I started thinking which Sa'eed it was. It did not occur to me that it could be Hadhrat Sa'eed, because for forty years he had never been to any place except the mosque and his own house. I was surprised to see him standing outside, and submitted that he should have called for me. He replied, "It was proper for me to come. I thought that since you have been married, you should not be alone in your house. I have, therefore, brought your wife to live with you." Saying this, he sent his daughter in, closed the door and went away. The girl, being overwhelmed with modesty, fell down on the ground. I bolted the door from inside, removed the bread and olive oil from near the lamp lest she should see it, climbed up on the roof of my house and called out to my neighbours. When people gathered, I told them that Hadhrat Sa'eed had given his daughter to me in marriage, and that he had just then himself brought her and left her in my house. They were all greatly surprised, and exclaimed, "Is it true that she is already in your house?" "Yes," confirmed I. The news spread and also reached my mother, who at once came there and said, "If you touch her for three days, I will not see your face; in three days we will make all the preparations."

After three days, when I met the girl, I found her extremely beautiful. She was a Hafiz of the Qur'an, very conversant with the Sunnah of the Prophet (saw)

and well acquainted with her obligations to her husband. For one month, neither Hadhrat Sa'eed came to me, nor I went to him. After one month. when I went to him there was a big gathering. After wishing salaam to him, I sat down. When all others left, he asked me how I found my wife. I replied, "She is most excellent, so that friends are pleased to see her and foes become envious." He further said, "If you find anything undesirable, you may use a stick to rectify it." After I returned from there, he sent me through a special messenger a gift of twenty four thousand dirhams.

This girl had been demanded by King Abdul Malik bin Marwaan for marriage with his son, Waleed, who was the crown prince, but Hadhrat Sa'eed had declined the offer. In this way, he bad incurred the wrath of King Abdul Malik, who on some other pretext got him punished with a hundred lashes in bitter cold, and then had a pitcher of cold water poured on him. (Fazail-e-Amaal)

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