By Mufti Ebrahim Desai (db)
"Our Lord! Grant that our spouses and our offspring
to be a comfort to our eyes, and give us the grace to
lead those who are conscious of You" (Furqaan 74).
Q: Every human being by nature has an instinct to dispute.
This instinct becomes more manifest between the husband and wife,
thus leading to marital disputes. How can this instinct be controlled?
A. Consider the following ten points to control the
instinct of dispute and maintain a happy marriage.
1. Fear Allah: It was the noble practice of Nabi (P.B.U.H.)
to bring conscience to the spouses regarding the fear for
Allah before performing a Nikah by reciting the verses
(Nisa v14, Ahzab v69, Aali-Imraan v101) from the Qur'an.
All the verses are common in the message of Taqwa (fear of Allah).
The spouses will be first committed to Allah before being
committed to their partner. There can be no doubt in the
success of a marriage governed by the fear of Allah.
2. Never be angry at the same time: Anger is the root cause for
all marital disputes. One Sahabi came to Rasulullah (P.B.U.H.)
and sought some advice. Rasulullah (P.B.U.H.) replied, control
your anger. The same advice was rendered three times.
(Mishkaat pg.433; HM Saeed)
3. If one has to win an argument, let it be the other:
Nabi (P.B.U.H.) said: Whoever discards an argument despite being
correct shall earn a palace in the centre of Jannah.
4. Never shout at each other unless the house is on fire:
Luqman (AS) while offering advice to his son said:
"and lower your voice for verily the most disliked voice is
that of a donkey."
(Surah Luqman v19)
5. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly:
Rasulullah (P.B.U.H.) said, 'A Mu'min is a mirror for another
Mu'min.' Advise with dignity and silently.
(Abu Dawud vol.2 pg325; Imdadiyah)
6. Never bring up mistakes of the past: Nabi (P.B.U.H.) said:
"Whoever conceals the faults of others, Allah S.W.T. shall conceal
his faults on the day of Qiyaamah.
(Mishkaat pg.429; HM Saeed)
7. Neglect the whole world rather than your marriage partner:
Nabi (P.B.U.H.) confirmed the advice of Salman to Abu-Darda [RA]
for neglecting his wife. Verily there is a right of your wife over you."
(Nasai Hadith 2391)
8. Never sleep with an argument unsettled: Abu Bakr [RA] resolved
his dispute with his wife over feeding the guests before going to bed.
(Bukhari Hadith 602)
9. At least, once everyday, express your gratitude to your partner:
Nabi (P.B.U.H.) said, 'Whoever does not show gratitude to the
people has not shown gratitude to Allah.'
(Abu Dawud pg.662; Karachi)
10. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and
ask for forgiveness: Nabi (P.B.U.H.) said, 'All the sons of Aadam
commit error, and the best of those who err are those who seek forgiveness.'
(Tirmidhi Hadith 2499)